Bald as the bare mountain tops are bald, with a baldness full of grandeur.
- Matthew Arnold
This one is straight from the horse’s mouth. Though it is certainly not that I can be called a horse by any stretch of imagination; what I mean to say is that my account on hair loss can be blindly trusted as coming from someone who has seen it all and silently…well…er……endured it all. If you too are a healthy young (youngish/slightly older than youngish/frankly not so young) male and appear to be confounded by the inexplicable disappearance of fuzz from your scalp, blame it on the tRIO of genes, germs and geology.
Science has finally (yes, finally) succeeded in unearthing the bizarre truth behind hair loss. According to the tested and testified testaments published in scientific testimonials, “Thou shalt lose it, if thy genes carry the code for ‘androgenic alopecia’ or male pattern baldness (MPB)”. Its the extra testosterone in your blood and you really can’t help it. Rather a lousy dilemma – isn’t it? I mean, look at it this way – you don’t know whether to be exuberantly happy or silently gloomy about it! And God forbid if you’ve got dandruff; you will find yourself losing your ‘cover’ in double quick time! Lastly, the dihydrogen monoxide which you use for your ceremonious ablutions every morning may contain certain toxic impurities which your scalp may not find entirely appetising.
The reasons for hair loss is a subject that no two doctors, scientists, quacks or clinics seem to be able to agree on; everyone seems to have his or her own pompous opinion on the subject. The moot question, however, remains unanswered. Can hair loss be stopped? Particularly ‘androgenic alopecia’? Male Pattern Baldness to be precise. The consensus, based on current medical findings, is – no. If your mane is destined to leave you, it will. Yet, the mesmerizing variety of hair loss prevention therapies range from the incredible to the ‘down’right bizarre. It’s actually a multi-million dollar industry, doling out third rate strategies by the dozen for fleecing the poor hapless neobalds. Google returns a whopping 52000000 results for ‘bald’ in 0.05 seconds flat with nearly each website enticingly dangling its own hairy carrot! . None of the following remedies offer anything but purely temporary hope.
1. Spreads and sprays: Didn’t your padosi aunty suggest you dip yourselves head-on in a gooey batter of eggs, besan (flour), nimboo (lemon) juice and tulsi leaves paste purely as an effective ghare-loo (domestic) measure? You won’t taste bad either if deep fried properly. People have gone to the extent of suggesting smearing cowdung and rinsing hair with cow urine (see pic)
2. Shampoos: I was once prescribed a COAL TAR shampoo by a bald dermatologist. One application nearly removed 30% of my remaining hair.
3. Medical therapies: Propecia, Minoxidil, Avodart, Revivogen (all trade names) are a few of the ‘promising’ (of course, they promise to drill holes in your pocket) therapies that have been empirically tried in MPB. The catch, however lies in their disclaimers: Results will not be achieved in days and probably not even in weeks, usually it takes about three to six months for any (slight) improvement to be (barely) noticed but no two people will achieve the same results, what works for one may not work for another. Great! Moreover, each drug has its own side effects, and the result of tinkering with one’s hormones may not always be pleasant or predictable.
4. Vitamins & Superfoods: Poor Popeye! He couldn’t grow a single new hair on his pate even after munching tons of spinach. So do not expect much from a mushy concoction of chlorella, spirulina, micro-algae extracts, astaxanthin, broccoli sprouts, beans, blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, blackberries, seaweeds like wakame, arame, hiziki and vitamins like ascorbates, cobalamins, tocopherols etc. etc. And yes…May Almighty God save your guts, spare your digestion and replenish your poor pockets!!
5. Lasercombs: The lasercomb is the first take-home version of the rather expensive cosmetic laser devices found in salons all over the world. Individual treatments are very expensive and are usually only for the very wealthy. The Lasercomb is FDA approved as a cosmetic device for thickening the appearance of hair, and is currently undergoing testing as a bonafide hair growth stimulant. Once approved, it will hit the market for astronomical prices. Try it if you are Brunei’s Sultan!
6. Hair growing robots: During a 30-minute operation, these robots would pluck hair follicles from pre mapped areas in the back of the neck, then grow these follicles in culture until they number in the thousands. Then these robots would inject the follicles under the skin where the hair needs to grow back. Seems straight out of a sci-fi movie. But you never know if the robots might develop any snag midway. Technically speaking, a faulty robot may fail to limit its attention at the back of the neck, and attempt to pluck hair from wherever it may appear to be growing in abundance.
There are bound to be other ingenious ways of preventing hair loss. Try them if you wish to. NO RESULTS GUARANTEED