Anger is a cool emotion. A bit dangerous though if it gets out of hand. Haven’t you noticed how it gets many a thing done quickly which otherwise would have taken ages? Different people get angry over different reasons. There are as many responses too. If you are angry you may feel bitter and resentful, withdraw, sulk, get irritated or upset, become impatient, fret, fume, yell, raise your voice, make sarcastic comments, spew invectives, show your fist (or your finger), sometimes show all this very suggestively, get physical, put other people down and even end up on the wrong side of the law. So it’s important to discuss the commonest reasons which make simpletons like us angry and the possible remedies to avert a chair reaction at work or a thermonuclear (thermal reactions in a nuclear family) disaster. Here I have attempted to list the nine commonest causes of domestic rage; having left the 10th for you to fill.
Here we go.
Cause for anger #1. Your spouse asserts her authority yet again by occupying the toilet first thing in the morning, while you are left hopping around the house, farting noisily with undisguised agony. You suddenly remember the old adage “One who farts last, farts the loudest”.
Remedy – Get up early and finish off the job at hand. Literally.
Cause # 2. You are late and rush to the parking lot only to discover your neighbour’s car parked too close to yours, posteriors kissing, and you have to crawl in from the left side on your all fours. During the whole process of getting in, there comes an instant when only your b*tt sticks out from where your shoulder is supposed to be, and it is very embarrassing if someone chooses to slap your shoulder to say hello at that moment.
Remedy – Park your car in the corner, or park it sufficiently late. Else be prepared for a jovial slap on the posterity.
Cause # 3. You are in hurry and a 17th century quadruped (if a moped has two wheels, a quadruped should have four by that logic) ahead of you moves painfully slowly; and all your gesticulations and sophisticated finger signs are simply ignored.
Remedy – Forgive the idiot. Chant Hare Ram Hare Ram, Hare Krishna Hare Ram in remix mode.
….gesticulations and sophisticated finger signs….
Cause # 4. Your first client of the day smells off booze, picks his nose repeatedly, scrutinises carefully whatever comes out and finally proceeds to take his shoes off under your table. Moments later a very unpleasant stink knocks the living daylights out of you.
Remedy – Become smarter. Let your colleagues handle the first few clients for a couple of hours in the morning while you brush up your knowledge of your boss’ current affairs over a cup of coffee with his pretty secretary.
Cause # 5. Your lousy muddleheaded shrew of a boss ticks you off for nothing, hands you way too much work for the day and trots off with his secretary for lunch at the Sheraton.
Remedy – Take it easy. Every dog has his day. Just wait for yours.
Cause # 6. India loses because of bad umpiring. Aussies remove our pants and make ribbons out of them. You lose a bet of Rs.500. Worse, your wife calls up and blasts you for forgetting to pay the school fees on time. You feel miserable, and then remember the Law of Conservation of Misery: Misery is never created or destroyed, just transferred.
Remedy – Don’t just sit there grumbling like a grumpy ape. Transfer the misery immediately. Summon your subordinates, make them stand in a line and whip their collective ass*s on some flimsy pretext like indiscipline and deadlines. Then watch with extreme satisfaction as they scamper about looking for targets for transferring their misery.
Cause # 7. At lunch, you find the same old glum looking baigan ka bharta staring at you sadly from the tiffin box. You steal a glance at your colleague and find him gorging on biryani and malai kofta. You suddenly start feeling like a benevolent cow, flooded with an urge to give some more milk to make some more of that malai for the kofta.
Remedy – Meditate. Transcend all those worldly barriers which make you discriminate between baigan and malai. Unify yourself with God. Count 1 to 10 and finish off whatever your wife has cooked for you. Remember: You accede you prosper (eventually increase your girth, weight, waist size etc. etc.). You protest you perish.
Cause # 8. You return home from office exhausted. Your kids come running to you and cling on to your trousers, nearly taking them off. You love their attention. They ask you to become a horse. You do. They straddle your back and ask you to bleat like a goat. The whole idea seems repulsive. A cross between a horse and a goat? Aw! You want to protest but end up whining a little. Your wife hands you a long list of grocery items. Then it hits you. A jackass! You are a donkey after all.
Remedy – Stop watching all those cartoon movies with animal characters. Gives you a rotten imagination. Be a sport. Remember – if Himmess can sing, you can roar. All you need is a full throated try.
Cause # 9. Its bedtime. The kids have fallen asleep. You just want to hug your wife and kiss her goodnight. Just a little hug mind you. May forego the kiss too. Depends. She immediately doubts your intentions, gives you a stern look which says ‘I have a nasty headache’, turns away and disappears under the sheets in double quick time.
Remedy – Need I suggest?
Cause for anger # 10 and its remedy. Your take please.
This post was first published elsewhere. It can be read in the original context along with the comments here.