GPL, or the Grand Premier League is the fourth largest annual festival in the world after the Topless Rio Carnival, the NBA Basketball Championships and Christmas. GPL was first administered to us in 2008 by a (then unknown) cricket visionary by the name of Lalit Muddy. Lalit Muddy teamed up with another general purpose visionary Shararat Pawar of BCCI (Bored of Controlling Cricket in India) and created GPL to tackle the financial recession that threatened to wipe out all cheerleaders from the face of the earth. The duo (worms of the same hole that wriggle together) sold off teams to powerful and wealthy businessmen at astronomical sums and used the money to resuscitate a clutch of gasping retired cricketers and chinese mobile phone manufacturers.
The first eight teams that were thus borne by GPL are as follows (with the names of their owners in the bracket):
- Kolkata Nut Traders (Owner – Mr. Shah Haaru Khan)
- Maamu-Bhai Indians (Owner – Mr. Mukesh I’m Money)
- King Silly One Punjab (Owner – Miss Pretty Jhinchak and her ex boyfriend among others)
- Rajasthan Naariyals (Owner – Mrs. Spill-per-settee, her husband and some obscure newsprint/media group)
- Real Chilly-Gingers Bangalore (Owner – Dr. Beer J. Maal Laaya)
- Dhakkan Changers Hyderabad (Owner – The Dhakkan Croon-Kill group)
- Delhi Daaru-da-bill (Owner – The Jiyo-Maro Group, Construction giants), and
- Chennai Cipher Kings (Owner – India Simians)
The first and the second GPLs were both huge successes. Buoyed by the returns, GPL Commissioner Lalit Muddy and Shararat Pawar sold off two more GPL teams to franchisees at a cost that nearly equals half of Africa’s total GDP plus the 73.3% mandatory commission payable to all government officials there. NASA officials have observed that even at half this cost, they could have send all Mujaheddin prisoners to Mars and rehabilitated them permanently over there.
The third edition of GPL, too, has been a stupendous success. Moth-hue Hidden, an Australian batsman of repute unveiled a bat, Mongoose, that can catapult bowlers and their balls to the low geostationary orbit (the kind of orbit from where cheap, third world satellites usually keep falling off). However, The Mongoose didn’t quite work in a crucial recent game, where the batsman had his stumps knocked out by a snaking delivery that hissed past at lightning speed. Pretty Jhinchak was quite thrilled by all this. Here’s a bit of conversation between her and Groovyraj Singh, a promising cricketer from the King Silly One camp.
Pretty Jhinchak: “Hi Groovy! It was a thrilling match! See I’m having mongoose bumps all over!”
Groovyraj Singh: “Yes! I can see that! There are two particularly large ones on your T Shirt as well!”
Pretty Jhinchak: “Dhatt Groovy! Those are my…you know….!” (Smiles coyly and runs away to embrace Ravi Wo-Phaara)
Dr. Beer J. Maal-Laya is quite happy with the kind of progress his team has made until now. His bunch of fossilised cricketers marinated in Kingfisher Strong Soda have cooked the goose of almost all their worthy competitors in de-la-grandi style. However, Shah Haaru Khan, owner of Kolkata Nut Traders is reportedly cross with Sourabh Gun-Goli, their captain, who has repeatedly misfired in game after game. Chris Ghayal, a hard hitting West Indian in the Nut camp, appears to be lost in thinking about his investments in Jamaican coconut farms and, therefore, isn’t playing all that well. Ashaant Soorma, their perpetually tired fast bowler, too, goes for too many runs. Not a fair sign for Kolkata.
The commentary has been a revelation this time. Set-Wax, the official broadcasters did away with Moan-dheerey Bedi, a seductive hostess more famous for cooking hot noodles and spaghetti, than for commenting on balls and the way they are gripped and rubbed and passed about. This time, they hired entirely neutral commentators, experts who are entirely unaware of the game of football (they think it is football). It’s quite refreshing, though we are missing Moan-dheerey’s sweet moans…(sigh!).
Oh! We are missing the original ‘Fake IPL Player’ too……
To be continued……