Monthly Archives: March 2010

GPL (The Grand Premier League) Update

Posted on by Rofl Indian

GPL, or the Grand Premier League is the fourth largest annual festival in the world after the Topless Rio Carnival, the NBA Basketball Championships and Christmas. GPL was first administered to us in 2008 by a (then unknown) cricket visionary by the name of Lalit Muddy. Lalit Muddy teamed up with another general purpose visionary Shararat Pawar of BCCI (Bored of Controlling Cricket in India) and created GPL to tackle the financial recession that threatened to wipe out all cheerleaders from the face of the earth. The duo (worms of the same hole that wriggle together) sold off teams to powerful and wealthy businessmen at astronomical sums and used the money to resuscitate a clutch of gasping retired cricketers and chinese mobile phone manufacturers.

The first eight teams that were thus borne by GPL are as follows (with the names of their owners in the bracket):

  • Kolkata Nut Traders (Owner – Mr. Shah Haaru Khan)
  • Maamu-Bhai Indians (Owner – Mr. Mukesh I’m Money)
  • King Silly One Punjab (Owner – Miss Pretty Jhinchak and her ex boyfriend among others)
  • Rajasthan Naariyals (Owner – Mrs. Spill-per-settee, her husband and some obscure newsprint/media group)
  • Real Chilly-Gingers Bangalore (Owner – Dr. Beer J. Maal Laaya)
  • Dhakkan Changers Hyderabad (Owner – The Dhakkan Croon-Kill group)
  • Delhi Daaru-da-bill (Owner – The Jiyo-Maro Group, Construction giants), and
  • Chennai Cipher Kings (Owner – India Simians)

The first and the second GPLs were both huge successes. Buoyed by the returns, GPL Commissioner Lalit Muddy and Shararat Pawar sold off two more GPL teams to franchisees at a cost that nearly equals half of Africa’s total GDP plus the 73.3% mandatory commission payable to all government officials there. NASA officials have observed that even at half this cost, they could have send all Mujaheddin prisoners to Mars and rehabilitated them permanently over there.

The third edition of GPL, too, has been a stupendous success. Moth-hue Hidden, an Australian batsman of repute unveiled a bat, Mongoose, that can catapult bowlers  and their balls to the low geostationary orbit (the kind of orbit from where cheap, third world satellites usually keep falling off). However, The Mongoose didn’t quite work in a crucial recent game, where the batsman had his stumps knocked out by a snaking delivery that hissed past at lightning speed. Pretty Jhinchak was quite thrilled by all this. Here’s a bit of conversation between her and Groovyraj Singh, a promising cricketer from the King Silly One camp.

Pretty Jhinchak: “Hi Groovy! It was a thrilling match! See I’m having mongoose bumps all over!”

Groovyraj Singh: “Yes! I can see that! There are two particularly large ones on your T Shirt as well!”

Pretty Jhinchak: “Dhatt Groovy! Those are my…you know….!” (Smiles coyly and runs away to embrace Ravi Wo-Phaara)

Dr. Beer J. Maal-Laya is quite happy with the kind of progress his team has made until now. His bunch of fossilised cricketers marinated in Kingfisher Strong Soda have cooked the goose of almost all their worthy competitors in de-la-grandi style. However, Shah Haaru Khan, owner of Kolkata Nut Traders is reportedly cross with Sourabh Gun-Goli, their captain, who has repeatedly misfired in game after game. Chris Ghayal, a hard hitting West Indian in the Nut camp, appears to be lost in thinking about his investments in Jamaican coconut farms and, therefore, isn’t playing all that well. Ashaant Soorma, their perpetually tired fast bowler, too, goes for too many runs. Not a fair sign for Kolkata.

The commentary has been a revelation this time. Set-Wax, the official broadcasters did away with Moan-dheerey Bedi, a seductive hostess more famous for cooking hot noodles and spaghetti, than for commenting on balls and the way they are gripped and rubbed and passed about. This time, they hired entirely neutral commentators, experts who are entirely unaware of the game of football (they think it is football). It’s quite refreshing, though we are missing Moan-dheerey’s sweet moans…(sigh!).

Oh! We are missing the original ‘Fake IPL Player’ too…… :(

To be continued……

Politickle Pickle: The True Maratha

Posted on by Rofl Indian

The inter-party meeting was about to begin shortly. Prime Minister Mehmaan Singh and United Frog-racing Alliance (UFA) Chairperson Say-no Gandhi hadn’t yet arrived at the scene. Shararat Pawar, the agriculture minister, Sassy Tharoor, the  deputy foreign minister and Jai Mata Banerjee, the minister of railways (and everything else that ran on steam, smoke and Bijoli Grill) were seen discussing something quite animatedly. Cutting across party lines, the three old muskets of Indian politics, finance minister Purono Mukherjee, opposition chief Akela Advani and Shriek Sena supremo Bawal Thackray were jostling with each other to grab the seat nearest to the toilet. Since it was quite cold inside with all the ACs working like NREGA welfare schemes, proximity to the loo was rather a dire necessity.  UNDY-TV honcho Piranha Roy was covering the events from the sidelines.

A bugle was presently heard, causing Jai Mata Banerjee to reach instinctively in her purse and pull out a piece of cloth, which she started waving wildly. “Cholbe naa, cholbe naa” she screamed at the top of her voice, addressing no one in particular.

“Ssshhhh!”, cautioned Purono Mukherjee. ” Ki korchhen Jai Mata di?? That’s tha PM and Misses Gandhi arribhing. Hide tha phlag I say…”

“Oww…taai! I thought it waas Roton Tata!”  Jai Mata Banerjee exclaimed excitedly. She always spoke as if rushing to catch two trains at a time.

The ambassador car carrying PM Mehmaan Singh and Mrs. Say-no Gandhi arrived at the gate. Say-no Gandhi kept on sitting, thinking of something leaving Mehmaan Singh horribly undecided whether to keep sitting inside or come out.

“Madam….. er….. shall I ….. get out?” Mehmaan Singh squeaked politely, as security men opened his side of the car door and expertly hauled half his posterior outside, ostensibly in an attempt to facilitate his smooth exit.

“No”

“No…?”

“Not yet, I mean. Please keep sitting until Royal Gandhi arrives.” Saying this, Mrs. Say-no Gandhi leaped out and was gone in six seconds. The security guards gently reposited Mr Singh’s posterior on the car’s back seat and closed the door quietly, leaving the PM to brood over his political destiny. Piranha Roy of UNDY-TV was watching all this with profound interest. He absentmindedly scratched his pretty assistant and got lost in cooking up an appropriate headline.

As Mrs Gandhi entered the hall, Shriek Sena Chief Bawal Thackray jumped up on his chair and began waving his stick threateningly.

“What’s the meaning of all this? I demand an answer!” Bawal Thackray hollered.

“What’s the matter Bawalsaheb? Why all this bawaal?”

“What? You are asking me what’s the matter? I demand an explanation from you as to why there is no representation of the Marathi Menus here?”

“Maratha Manoos?”

“Arre! Who cares about Maratha manoos? I said Maratha Menus…!”

“Now what’s that Sassy?” Say No Gandhi was visibly disturbed by the unexpected commotion.

Sassy Tharoor whipped out his Blackberry and was about to tweet something exotic when Bawalsaheb roared “Say No Gandhi has no idea of the Maratha Menus! She comes from an Italian background!” He turned to look at Shararat Pawar, who quickly nodded approvingly.

“I ask Say No Gandhi why there is no representation of the Maratha Menus in today’s lunch? I can see pasta and spaghetti, pizza and espresso, but no varli-wangi, wada-pao or aamti! Even these Bengalis have their items here – rasogolla, ledikeni, bipasha, mishti doi…..but no pitla bhakhri or misal-pao!”

“Or puran-poli” Shararat Pawar called out loudly before quickly hiding behind a pillar to avoid Say No Gandhi’s gaze.

Bawal Thackeray turned around and eyed Purono Mukherjee viciously

“Yes! Puran-poli! Well said Shararat Pawar! You are a true Maratha!” Bawalsaheb ejaculated happily.

Purono Mukherjee intervened “Boaal shaheb…this is not feyar! Eu kanot call Bipasha as phood aaitem! She is aawar belaabhed idol. Eu kan eet ledikeni and doi….bat kan eu eet Bipasha? Aaithar eu do not know tha besiks or eu habb gonn compleetely mad!”

Bawal Thackeray turned around, eyed Purono Mukherjee viciously and turned his attention to Akela Adveni, who was just about to sneak into the toilet. “Advaniji…don’t you have anything to say?”

“Aaa…aaaa?”

“Advaniji, I’m asking that don’t you have anything to say in this matter?”

“Jee? No…”

“Uff….that old coot is again hankering after Jinnah…Akela ji, if you do not stop taking Jinnah’s name, I’ll ask my Shriek Sainiks to lock that loo!” Bawalsaheb shrieked.

“Arre waaah! Lock that loo? Bawalsaheb…..get your house in order first. You couldn’t stop your own nephew Naraaj Thackeray from pinching taps from your loo right under your nose….lock that loo! Baap ka raaj hai! Don’t forget that my men in Mumbai can lock you in the loo too…huh!” Akela Advani thundered and ran into the toilet at break-neck speed, clutching his dhoti. People didn’t call him the I-run Man for nothing.

25 New Rajinikanth Facts One Must Know.

Posted on by Rofl Indian

Rajinikanth is undoubtedly the only global superhero. He is smarter than a thousand Chuck Norrises put together. The time has come to reveal some startling Rajinikanth facts and watch the world chew it’s fingers in awe.

You’ve seen the video. Now some hardcore facts –


1. Rajnikanth taught Chuck Norris how to deliver roundhouse kicks.

2. Rajnikanth once roundhouse kicked a Tata truck in Chennai. It became the Tata Nano and fell on Mamata Banerjee’s head in Kolkata.

3. Rajinikanth reverses Court judgements by making the ink run back into the Judge’s ballpen.

4. Rajinikanth once boarded a Virgin Atlantic flight from Chennai to New York. The stewards served the tea cold. So when the flight finally touched down, it was just ‘Atlantic’.

5. Matrix was originally planned in Tamil as அச்சு வார்ப்புரு with Rajinikanth as Rajinikanth. But the bullets were so shit scared that they pissed in the barrels and refused to come out of the guns in his presence.

6. Rajinikanth once went to Jim Corbett National Park. After eight straight hours of snapping pictures, the tired tigers ran out of camera film.

7. Rajinikanth doesn’t need to sleep with a gun under his pillow. He is deadlier with the pillow.

8. The movie ’300′ was initially planned to be made with Rajinikanth. It was originally named ’1′.

9. Rajinikanth is so flexible, he can lick his elbow.

10. He’s also so smart, he knows you’d try to do it after reading that.

11. Raincoats were developed to prevent raindrops from getting electrocuted on coming within 1oo metres of Rajinikanth.

12. Rajinikanth has successfully reversed global warming. All the glaciers just froze when they heard his name.

13. Rajinikanth once dived into the sea from his Chennai condo. The next thing you know is that a tsunami has hit half the world.

14. The Chennai – Delhi Rajdhani Express once missed Rajinikanth. It ran as fast as it could but failed to catch him.

15. Rajinikanth can kill a 100 villains at a time just with his dialogues.

16. Viagra often needs Rajinikanth.

17. Newton gave us just the three dumb laws of motion. Rajinikanth has already given us 33,945 laws of commotion andthe count is far from completed.

18. No one messes with Rajinikanth. Only Rajinikanth can mess with himself.

19. Sunny Deol once thrashed a battalion of Pakistanis with his bare hands. Rajinikanth can thrash 1000 such Sunny Deols with his bare tongue.

20. Parachutes were invented just to prevent the earth from getting shattered to pieces when hit by a falling Rajinikanth.

21. Only two things on earth are visible from space. Rajinikanth in his mundu and some wall in Africa. Or is that in China?

22. What colour is Rajinikanth’s blood? Haha! Trick question! Rajinikanth never bleeds!!

23. Rajinikanth is faster than email. He is now officially the second fastest thing in the Universe after MMS.

24. Rajinikanth uses pepper spray as eye drops.

25. Man proposes; Rajinikanth disposes. And disposes fast.

Howzzat!