Alas, the research seems to have gone all in the wrong direction.
The scientists who invented the B.T. baigan may be gloating in glee over their success in pinching some obnoxious gene from some turdy bacteria and shoving it down an unsuspecting eggplant’s throat. But tell me – what’s the point? What do you aim to achieve, apart from a sore eggplant and a lot of egg on the face? To begin with, the eggs laid by the bruised eggplant (the fruits, to be precise) would be no good, with the people avoiding it like plague, scared shitless at the shrub’s reported ability to bump off innocent little bugs by bursting open their tender tooshies. How ghastly!
The baigan (brinjal/aubergine) has always been adored as a messenger of peace, fostering global harmony on a platter, as the universally appreciated ‘baigan ka bharta’. To the inexperient eye, I admit the preparation may look somewhat like a dirty lump of gob, quite like cow dung that has soaked in a bit of rain (quite graphic link, watch at your own peril), but I am willing to bet my only bottle opener that it’s a delectable dish that will regale with it’s delightful smoothness and unique earthy flavour. Now, tell me, would you approve of a baigan that has blood of the bugs on its hinds, a baigan that has remorselessly bai-gunned down a thousand little beetles in cold sauce? Duh! The B.T baigan is a farce.
I tell you what. The biotech guys should have really scratched their dusters in unison and come out with something that was of more worldly appeal. Something that had true commercial value. Say, for example, something that assured of striking cosmetic enhancement both for bollywood babes and wannabes alike. Like a cross between an eggplant and Mallika Sherawat. They could have innovatively named the thing BOOTY Baigan. Imagine the headlines: “Booty Baigan assures 200% increase in ass(et) size!” (Indian Express), “Mammooty bats for Booty” (Deccan Herald), “Booty And The Feast” (The Times of India), “We thought of ‘Booty and The Feast’ First” (Hindustan Times), “Booty Fever Grips India – 2000000 affected” (Aaj Tak) etc. etc. Imagine Bipasha, Katrina and Asin each holding an eggplant and proclaiming “We love Booty baigan” in one voice at the Fimfare Awards Nite. Oh well, Bebo would have voiced her strong disgust at Booty’s properties, but who, other than Saif, would care?
There’s another upside to the Booty Baigan saga. Baba Rhymedev, who vehemently opposed the introduction of BT brinjal in India would have no serious objection to Booty Baigan. In a recent meeting Baba Rhymedev spewed venom thus, “How can a government make a mockery of its country? GM foods can lead to kidney disorder, liver disorder, brain disorder, tooth disorder, hairfall, windfall, nightfall, bathroom fall, cancer, mange, barber’s itch, swimmer’s eye, tennis elbow, washerman’s knee, dog bite, swine flu, bird flu, tapeworm, bedbugs, lice, mice, gas, heart attack, fart attack and many other physical, metaphysical, mental and sentimental disorders among millions of Indians. Doesn’t government feel shame to mull over commercial cultivation of GM crop? Of course I can cure each and every one of these problems with ease, but why burden me with such an unnecessary responsibility? You see, I’m already overburdened nowadays, having to tend to a whole exotic island off England’s coast”.
Baba Rhymedev ended his discourse by uttering a rhyme aimed at eradicating swine flu and gas from the face of the earth. I’m reproducing the chant here for the general betterment of humanity as a whole. So please close your eyes, imagine you are holding a Booty Baigan, and chant…
“Wanna cure swine flu
Wanna cure gas??
Just shove a bit o’ Booty Baigan
Up your ***”