Cesses in excess, mum on scams!

First published on Tehelka.com

Must say, the nation has been ambling along fairly well ever since the days of the Preamble. Over the years we have fought and won many a sly battle, shot satellites into space (maybe some went precariously inches over the heads of neighbours, but that’s okay), exploded a couple of real indigenous nukes (not the cheapo Chinese types that the guys next door pointlessly threaten us with), built up an awesome military with kickbacking howitzers, commissioned (pun intended) dams, bridges, eight lane highways and industries, pushed through reforms, stashed away sackfuls of black money….well, the long and short of it is that we have succeeded in doing ourselves proud and turned India into a truly sovereign, socialist, secular , democratic republic where everyone is free to have his way.

Admittedly, none of such outstanding developments may have taken place had the country not been blessed by a bunch of really heroic finance ministers. Year after year they come up with formidable treatises on the nation’s economic health, crunching numbers in excruciating detail, the mystery heightened by elaborate literary embellishments in each subsequent retelling of the union budget. Amidst the matrix of baffling financial jargon, the common man sits dumbfounded like the Tusshar Kapoor of Golmaal, holding his breath, fearing the worst, and worried to death as to how he would make ends meet without having to sacrifice his smoke.

Perhaps the single most important factor of the budget is the tax. Somewhere down the line, the wily bureaucrats must have figured out that there are far more innovative ways to levy a tax without having to call the goon by his name. So they named it ‘cess’. Though I am no expert in etymology, I have firm reasons to believe that the word ‘cess’ surely comes from excess, which, by all means, sufficiently describes what a budgetary exercise is all about. An alternative theory traces ‘cess’ to Bangla’s ‘shesh’, meaning ‘the end’, which is when the villain shoots the hero dead in real life. Either way, the common man loses and more black money makes it’s way to the Alpine climes.

This is why there is all the more need to simplify the budget. With scams and embezzlements becoming the order of the day, the entire union budget appears to be an exercise in futility. Much like Om Puri’s role as a crook in Victoria No. 203. Doesn’t matter if you have never heard of the movie? Even I hadn’t until today.  The idea is, why burn midnight oil trying to figure out plan outlays and capital expenditure when you can’t stop billions leaking out surreptitiously.

Why can’t the government just admit that scams exist, and in acceptance of it’s legitimacy, charge a uniform 10% ‘disservice tax’ on the dough generated through this route?  10% of 10% amounts to 1% of the GDP, if you would get the drift. Simple calculation. Trust me, with this stunning masterstroke, the government will, in a single financial year, put together a revenue far in excess of whatever trickles in painstakingly through income tax, outcome tax, capital gains tax, service tax, business tax, wealth tax, health tax and sundry other complicated instruments in a whole decade. Consider the positive fallouts. All ambiguity in financial dealings will disappear. Business processes will be streamlined like never before, corporates will heave a sigh of relief and accountancy firms will breathe in a sunshine of transparency.

Most of all, the common taxpayer will be spared from taking his trousers to the tailor every now and then to get the burnt holes in his pockets patched up.  Good riddance.

 

The Afterlife

Tarachand Lahoti was just like any other 50 year old. As a sugar merchant who was in the business for the last thirty years, Tarachand had built up a small fortune for himself. Not that his clothes, demeanour or dwelling reflected it manifestly, nonetheless, he was assured that all the modest requirements in his life were well provided for. He took particular care of his health, or so he thought, establishing a routine to visit the local doctor regularly who sanctimoniously checked his pulse and recorded his blood pressure, and proclaimed him to be in the pink of his health, in as few words as possible, after pocketing a hundred rupee note that Tarachand offered him with unqualified reverence.

That evening, Tarachand just didn’t feel right. He couldn’t put his finger on where the ailment lay, but he was convinced that not everything in his body was working as efficiently as it had been for the past many years. It was a vague uneasiness that gave him a mild headache and took away his appetite. Could be a bout of gas, he reflected, as his wife brought him his dinner. Three chappatis, a bowl each of dal and vegetable curry, and a teaspoon of his favourite lime pickle. He ate just one chappati, and a few sips of the dal. The rest, he pushed away, nauseous and wary. Then the pain came. It began just after he had ambled off to the wash basin to wash his hands. The dull ache that seemed to originate in the pit of his stomach gradually worsened into a vague, uncomfortable heaviness that enveloped his entire chest. Tarachand vomited once, and felt better.

“Let’s go to the doctor”, his anxious wife suggested, picking up the phone.

“Aaah!”, Tarachand protested, wiping off beads of perspiration from his forehead with his shirt sleeve, “why bother him so late in the night? I’m fine”

His wife would have none of it. She spoke to Dr. Verma, who urged her to reach a nearby nursing home. He’d examine him there, he told her. An autorickshaw was summoned, and soon Tarachand found himself lying on a funny looking stretcher in the Emergency Room of the nondescript WellCure Nursing Home.

Eloquence was not a virtue that Dr. Verma was bestowed with. During his brief visit, he spoke only twice. Once, when he demanded his modest fees of five hundred rupees the instant he entered the room, and then a couple of minutes later, when he handed Tarachand’s wife a lengthy prescription. “Admitting him…severe acidity”, and throwing a brief glance at the rather stern faced nurse, “sister, tomorrow morning….tests.” Tarachands wife wanted to throw a question or two at him, but decided against, trusting the sagacity of Dr. Verma to relieve her husband’s agony.

Dr. Verma left as purposefully as he had arrived. Tarachand was shifted to an adjacent room which bore the letters ‘D lux Ward’. The ‘e’, it appeared, had jumped off plate and escaped long ago. The nurse, then, happily set about perforating Tarachand’s veins one after the other in an attempt to set up an intravenous line. Half an hour later, she let go, registering her success with a final needle jab on Tarachand’s aggrieved buttocks. “Go to sleep”, she demanded of the patient and exited the ward, flicking off the lights and bidding his wife not to disturb her at any cost during the night.

In the dull red glow of the night light, Tarachand could hardly make out the details of the room. There were three cots, with him occupying the one closest to the door. His wife sat on a wooden bench kept between the first and the second cots. In the melee of the past hour, she had forgotten to eat her dinner, and now she was exhausted, more sleepy than hungry. Next to the bench stood a small wooden cabinet. It was unlocked, and the doors were left a little ajar. A queasy smell of disinfectant hung in the room. The overhead fan screeched monotonously and the dark heavy curtains on the window at the farthest corner quivered every now and then as if gently shaken by an unseen force. Though the dull ache had subsided, the gloomy atmosphere within the room left Tarachand ill at ease. Thinking of his son, an engineer who was posted at a distant city, Tarachand fell asleep.

In the middle of the night, Tarachand woke up with a start. A monstrous, crushing pain engulfed his entire chest, and flowed across to his left arm, numbing his entire upper torso. In a wave of insane panic, Tarachand realised that he was unable to cry out, his voice throttled by the searing agony that appeared to squeeze his lungs into a lump of dough. He instantly knew he was going to die. As his consciousness began to wane, a sinking sensation gripped him that forbade him that the end was near.

That was when he heard a deep, husky voice floating up to him in the darkness of the room. “Get up, hey, get up!”

With a punishing effort, Tarachand turned to face his interlocutor. His wife was nowhere to be seen, and his gaze fell upon the huddling frame of an old man who was sitting on the adjacent cot. Despite his excruciating torment, Tarachand startled. He hadn’t seen this man when he was brought to this room. Must have been admitted later in the night, he thought.

The old man now looked directly at him, raised his wiry hand and pointed a finger at his direction. “Get up, yes…you…”

Tarachand was wet with perspiration. What sort of a joke was this? There he lay, possibly dying, and the old coot, instead of summoning help, was ordering him around!

With a painful grunt, Tarachand implored in a feeble voice “Help….please. Call my wife…please….I am dying…..”

The fan made a sudden screeching sound as a gush of midnight air rushed into the room, making the curtains flutter wildly. The old man appeared to shift on the bed, and lunging towards the wooden cabinet, he spoke again in a steely sort of voice “See…I am too old to move about. Get up and get that pill on the upper shelf of the cabinet. Get it fast….”

Tarachand could not comprehend what was happening. Possibly this man knew where the sister had kept his medicines, and was only trying to help. He tried to get up. The agonising throes of pain wrung his heart relentlessly, and his head seemed to swim in a vacuum.

“Get up..quick….the bottle on the top shelf…take it now….” The old man’s voice was devoid of every shred of emotion.

Tarachand summoned all his strength and sat up on his bed. He immediately clutched his heart. “Aaaaaahh!”

The man seemed to move closer. A sudden gush of air slapped Tarachand into momentary consciousness. The man’s voice was ringing in his ears “…the bottle on the top shelf…” Tarachand reached for the wooden cabinet, but crashed to the floor in a thud. He was choking. The breath was now coming only in gasps. Then he heard something fall. A small plastic bottle fell close to him. He reached out and grasped it instantaneously.

As Tarachand lay on the floor, he thought he saw the old man’s face hovering above him. “Open the bottle, Tarachand….” he spoke clearly, almost in a whisper.

With a violent last effort, Tarachand uncapped the bottle, emptied the contents on the floor and grasped a few of the tiny white pills. But before he could pop them, his face contorted and his eyeballs gauged out as he suffered a massive heart attack. Tarachand gasped and passed out.

********

Two days later.

Tarachand opened his eyes. He found himself in an ICU, with countless monitors beeping around him. There were scores of tubes and catheters jutting out from all parts of his body. His chest was tightly bandaged. Oh God! He was alive, he thought.

His wife was allowed in a couple of hours later. She cried hard for sometime. When she left, his son was allowed in. Tarachand’s eyes turned moist. “Cheer up Papa. You won the battle!”

Tarachand’s eyes wandered across the ICU. His son continued “Ma saw you lying on the floor. She was sleeping outside on a bench as she found the room dark and unpleasant. There was a bottle in your hand, and pills were scattered all around you. There were even a few in your mouth…”

Tarachand felt a lump rising in his throat. His son continued, “Ma raised an alarm. The hospital people arranged an ambulance and you were brought here. The doctors did a bypass operation in the night itself.”

“Papa, what you did was a miracle”, The son patted his arm lovingly. “The doctors here are full of praise for you. You did the right thing by popping those sorbitrate pills. How did you know those were there papa?”

Tarachand grappled with his thoughts, trying to remember the events on that fateful day. Then, suddenly, everything flashed in his mind like a lightning. The old man, the dark windy ward, the excruciating agony of a failing heart. He remembered falling on the floor and uncapping the bottle, but he failed to recall if he had put those pills in his mouth.

Tarachand was breathing heavily. A chill ran down his spine. Haltingly, he whispered, “…the old man…”

“Yes…yes….I know” his son nodded. “Dr. Verma told me all. That bottle belonged to an old man who died in the same ward a couple of days ago. When his body was taken away, the relatives perhaps left the bottle in the cabinet.”



Susie Returns

I apologise to my readers for having kept Susie off my blog for a considerable period of time.  She was indisposed for a while, you see, having contracted malaria first, and then a bit of gas, ostensibly from an overdose of medications prescribed by my dear friend Dr. Phadnis. Now she is fine, radiating from the glow of iron tonics and protein powders, that I had pilfered from the Hospital Director’s room and given away to her in an act of genuine benevolence. It’s an altogether another matter that the Director was mad the next day, he having milked the medical reps for the products in the first place, with the charitable aim to improve the general health and appearance of a certain Miss Priyanka, the hospital’s newest receptionist.

So, there she was, back in my room, sipping coffee. She closed her eyes, threw back her arms, thrust forward her large cookies (Susie was indeed having large coconut cookies with coffee, trust me) and yawned noisily. She was sitting just across the table and her carelessness allowed me to steal a quick glance deep inside her throat.  Just as I was contemplating whether to reach up to her and tickle her cute little uvula with a syringe, Susie shut her mouth abruptly.

“What saar! You ver lukking inside my mauth…?!”

“Oh! W..was I?” I quickly shifted my gaze and started drumming my fingers on the table.

“Yes saar. I saw you lukking inside me!”

Now that was a lie. I was in no way ‘looking inside her’ if you go by the strictest sense of the phrase. I agree I have briefly tried to look inside her (inside her soul, I mean) on a couple of occasions in the past, but most definitely not now. Moreover, her abrupt charge caught me in a fix. If I admitted to the act, it would risk a long session of verbal ping-pong with the nursey. If I rejected her allegations, she would invariably find other means to extract a painful confession from me. Once, despite no fault of mine, she had two of my teeth knocked out completely by a deadly combination of  thayir sadham and kappa vevichathu allegedly cooked by her humongous aunt. My only fault was that I had not informed her of an inspection by the Hospital Hardware Committee in advance, as a result of which she failed to produce two paperweights that the records showed to be in Susie’s possession. Now, Thayir sadham when mixed in roughly equal proportions with kappa vevichathu forms a deadly plastic explosive like lump that is unquestionably the sourest thing on the planet. Thank God the minions of Al Qaida are yet to discover the deadly side effects of Eliamma Aunty’s cuisine, or else they’d have unleashed a series of kappa vevichathu bombings across the world! And it was only much later that I realised that one of the anagrams of sourest is oestrus! Eliamma Aunty in oestrus…lethal indeed!

“Saar?” Susie nudged me with her eyes. “Tell me na saar…you ver lukking inside my mouth na saar?”

“Umm….yes. But just a little. I didn’t see much Susie…”

“O..ho! I was right saar!” Susie’s eyes brightened. “What did you see saar? Please tell me na…”

“I told you Susie….I didn’t see much..”

“Saar…” Susie bit her lip..”You are not being truthful….are you shy of me?”

“Why should I be shy of you? I’m not even shy of my wife!” I boasted, only to realise that the comment had gone a bit too far. A doctor ought to be of an inherently shy nature, I thought. Shyness confers a degree of immunity from locker room mishaps, something I had realised last year when three young, pretty and inquisitive OT nurses (I guess they were Julie, Rosamma and Annamma …maybe not Annamma, I’m not sure) had barged into the OT locker room while I was changing. What followed was a series of polyphonic screams from the three, followed by a melee and a mini stampede, as the three rushed out and thirty rushed in, followed by the OT incharge and a little later by the Director himself. From that day onwards,  I always pretend to be extraordinarily shy and close the locker room door tightly before even I take off my shoes. Anyway, more on that story later.

Susie was still looking at my face, perhaps expecting an admission of sorts.

“Susie, stop looking at me that way….I told you I didn’t see anything worthwhile…moreover, you look sleepy. Didn’t you catch enough sleep last night?”

“No saar…I was thinking of you saar…..” Susie laid her head on the table and said dreamily.

“What!” I suddenly felt like a brooding mother hen which had just discovered that one of her eggs had got really stuck down there. I had to fight to shut out suggestive visuals of Susie eloping with me with a tiffin carrier full of kappa vevichathu. What a scandal it would be!

“Susie….” I said firmly “…you should not think about me in the night. Er….by the way…..what were you thinking?”

“Nothing saaaaaw” Susie again broke into a noisy sigh. “I was thinking of inviting you to our house for lunch next week…..Eliamma Aunty is coming from Kerala….”

A chill ran down my spine and knocked my knees together. As Susie dozed off on my desk, I silently stood up and ran my tongue on the bare mounds of hardened gum where my two molars used to stand proudly. Nah! I had to plan a holiday to Shimla next week. You don’t get decorated with military honours for surviving Eliamma Aunty’s cuisine!

Risky Resolutions

Hope you all had some great New Year celebrations and are back to work after the elaborate bang and bangings. Just to keep the spirits high and to Foster’s foster a sense of well being in these times of bitter cold, here’s something that I’d like to share with you. These are a few of my new year resolutions which I am sure wouldn’t stand the test of time. I’d welcome your considered inputs on the subject.
1. I will not mind few more of my hair turning grey. There aren’t much left anyway (on the scalp, I mean).

2. I will try to remember birthdays. I’ll mug the dates, write them down on my desk, tattoo them on my posterity, do whatever it takes. I’ll try.Talking of tattoos, this is interesting!

3. I’d stop ogling at sweets. I’d try to stop ogling altogether in spite of it’s reported salutary effects. I promise I won’t ogle at Susie’s spectacles again. My eyes, are after all, precious assets. I get a lot of eye strain ogling.

4. I’d watch more movies this year. That way I’d be able to spend some quality time with Dimpy Minochha, Susie, Nikki (the new receptionist in our hospital) and their ilk.

5. I’d shed 500 grams by the year end. Anything more would be an unreasonable target. I intend to join a gym and hope to increase my heartbeat to aerobic levels daily just by ogling selectively observing others joggers of the opposite sex.

6. I’d try to keep my blog alive. I’ll prove that nonsense can be improved upon.

7. I’ll get my car serviced at least once this year. I’ll consider changing the tyres too. And I’ll always remember to fasten my seatbelts.

8. Whenever a clock, watch, remote control, toy or anything else that works by pushing buttons stops working, I’d make an honest effort to change the batteries within two weeks. Okay, three weeks. Also, I’ll try to make a list of things that work on pushing a few buttons here and there. Trust me, I won’t put Susie on that list.

Er...Where's the button for this doll?

9. I’ll actually read the newspaper before stashing it away for the day. I’ll actually laugh while reading the ribald Obama jokes.

10. I will change calender dates every month.
11. In the winter months, I’ll use the bath soap once every week. Okay, this makes me nervous, but I’m confident of pulling it off.


12. I will discard a razor blade after 45…no…35 …..okay, 25 shaves. As they say, God shaves those who shave themselves. Whatever.

13. I’ll remember to pay my bills on date.

OMG! Today is the last date for paying the broadband bill!
Signing off. I’ll have to move fast. They take payments only until 3.00 !
Cheers!

Co Curry Cooler Activities

Madho Singh had made a fortune by selling his agricultural land to Highmax Builders at the height of the realty boom. He had inherited the land from his father, who was a peasant. Earlier, he worked (or at least, pretended to work) as a clerk in some obscure government office. With the money, he bought a large farmhouse, quit his job and proclaimed himself to be a property dealer. I remember having treated his painful anal fissure a few years back with a combination of soothing creams, bogus assurances and some unpleasant fingerwork that involved fiddling with the nastiest parts of his anatomy. He used to visit my clinic riding a rickety Rajdoot of the 70′s, and often cursed the motorcycle for its hard seats. So, when one fine morning he alighted from a brand new Scorpio, I knew he was living a terribly good life.

“Namaskaar doxaab!” He greeted me in a booming voice that rattled my fragile ear drum and scattered the poor little ossicles.

“Namaskaar Madho Singh”, I replied, trying to look awfully pleased. “”New Scorpio…hmm hmm….!”

“Yes doxaab. Bought it this Diwali. My wife does not like to sit in small cars.” Madho Singh flashed an effervescent smile, flashing his stained teeth. “Also, my in laws live in Ajmer, so we often have to travel…”

“Right…right. You must do what your wife says.” I nodded in agreement. “So….what brings you here, Madho Singh?”

Madho Singh studied his palms for a few seconds, stifled a yawn and shifted on his seat.

“Doxaab…you know…you are like my brother….”

Brother? O ya….really? How about sharing the moolah with me partner? You take the Scorpio…I take the farmhouse!

“Yes, yes….I know that.” I said, oozing brotherly love for the cabbage.

“Doxaab…I am having some doubts about my son’s studies”

“What kind of doubts?” I politely enquired. I was well aware of the ethereal qualities his son possessed. He had once crept up stealthily behind his neighbour’s bull and managed to fasten a rather stout clothespeg to its testicles. The bull had then uprooted the cowshed, chased the neighbour’s wife for a good hundred metres and attempted to force itself upon a dozen odd terrified cows before bounding into the nearby fields, bellowing madly in agony.

“He doesn’t study his books.” Madho Singh stated sadly.

“Oh! Surely there must be some books which would engage his vacillating attention…!” I exclaimed. “Some profound literature to stimulate him, enlarge his horizons, help his abilities to grow and allow his faculties to stand tall and erect…!” I wondered.

Madho Singh reached inside his jacket and produced a well thumbed copy of Debonair. “This!” he exclaimed sheepishly “..is what I found in his school bag…!”

I was swept by a strong urge to grab the magazine and find out for myself the extent and scope of stimulation, enlargement and growth of sundry human qualities which the colourful pages of the journal offered.  

“This….I guess is not very unnatural.” I cleared my throat. “Adolescent boys do develop such…..quests”

Madho Singh looked alarmed at my unreserved straightforwardness. “But…doxaab….16 magazines! Sixteen! I found sixteen of them in his room! Look at the variety!”

I had to agree. “Yes! It does look a little wormy. With this rate of titillation he’d soon qualify as an amateur bazoomologist.”

“Huh?!!”

“Never mind.” I said shortly.

Madho Singh let out a sigh and withdrew floppily on his chair. There was a strange, dejected look on his countenance. However, after about three minutes of silence, he sat up bolt upright, eyes flashing with a steely sort of resolve ”Doxaab…I have made up my mind. I will send my son to boarding school…” With that statement, he walked out in a huff leaving the Debonair spreadeagled on my table.

————————————————————————————————————————————————–

That was six months ago. Last Thursday, Madho Singh trooped into my clinic, sporting a broad smile. He told me he was just back from his son’s boarding school and was terribly pleased with his ward’s progress there.

“Really?” I asked, feigning admiration for the worthy lad’s achievements.

“Yes doxaab! It is a very large school with so many beautiful teachers!”

There you go. Like son, like dad!

“And there is a big swimming pool…and large ground! Every room has AC! And very good food!”

“Hmm…hmm….”

“And they also do lot of extra curry cooler activity!” Madho Singh was nearly frothing at the mouth with excitement. “My son is acting in a drama directed by famous American director…..what’s his name…sex…..”

“Shakespeare?”

“Yes! Sex Pear! Funny name! I strictly told my son to call him Mr. Pear!” Madho Singh let out a guffaw.

“And you know? They also teach whores riding!”

“What?? Whores???” My jaw almost dropped out of its sockets.

“Yes!” Madho Singh seemed terribly amused at my bewilderment. ”They keep many healthy whores in the campus! You can ride whores one after other…very good sport!”

“Aww..ohh…indeed!” I was at my wits’ end. This was defying logic.

“Very beautiful whores. Trust me doxaab! Great body….great power……you have to run after them before you can catch them! And once you catch them, then riding them is very easy…”

I was nearly perspiring.

“At first, it looks difficult…you may fall down..or whores may fall down on you….you must hold on tightly when you are riding them!” 

Then it dawned. Struck me like a sackful of pumpkins. ”Horse… You mean?” I said.

“Yes..yes…whores! What else I am saying? White whores, black whores, brown whores….”

“Blond horse, brunette horse, latina horse too…I guess?” I interrupted.

“What…doxaab?”

“Nothing. Did you ride one, Madho Singh?” I asked him.

“Naah…not this time. But next time when I go there, I will ask headmaster to allow me to ride whores.”

Madho Singh got up, shook hands with me and left with a dreamy smile. He was already thinking of ways to mount a horse.

Oh well…A Very Happy New Year To You All.

Tyreship Enterprise: Stills from Tyretrek

It was during one of my trips to Rajasthan’s rural outback (travelling in one of the crowdiest of local trains) that I took these pictures with my sexy little Sony Ericsson mobile phone. It was a god forbidden nondescript little place, a halt rather, in the middle of nowhere, where the train took a little breather before resuming it’s tiring haul across the unforgiving desert landscape.  

 

1st image 

Pic. 1. – A 10 seater Mahindra jeep is the only available transport for ferrying (those who alighted) to nearby villages and dhanis (hamlets)

  

b

 

Pic. 2. – Newton’s Laws of Motion (read this for an interesting interpretation) find practical application as people jostle with each other in equal numbers and in opposite directions at the doors of the coaches.

 

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Pic. 3. – More and more passengers finally touchdown and rush towards the waiting jeep. A couple of women do a spectacular pile vault and disappear inside in a pile. Only if  Elena Isinbaeva had seen that! 

 

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Pic. 4. – Elite common-dudes of the Gujjar Regiment secure the roof in a jiffy.

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Pic. 5. – The jeep now begins to look more and more like Tyreship Enterprise from the movie Tyretrek.

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Pic. 6. – Its a display of raw skill as another common-dude hoists himself onto the roof. We never knew Mahindra makes such crash proof roofs!

 

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Pic. 7. – Interim head count: eight on the roof, at least eighteen inside and another fourteen or so looking forward to getting accommodated. The ones on the roof each takes out a jar of Fevicol …

 

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Pic. 8. – The driver (who somehow manages to drive expertly by sitting entirely outside) starts the jeep. Suddenly there’s a mad rush. Somehow all forty people find footholds.

 

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Pic. 9. – They’re off. Forty of them. In one jeep. Sixteen in the back. Six in the front seat. Four on the bonnet. Eight on the roof. And six clinging on to the sides.

The train shudders and jerks forward. I settle back into my seat, take a deep breath and make a mental note of putting the pics on my blog.

 

 

Kambakkht Ishq – The Prologue

Susie had been hovering around me for the past few minutes doing all sorts of unnecessary things. Surely she had something in her mind.  She had dusted the books on the table five times and washed the same tea cups thrice in the last ten minutes. When she looked like approaching the wash basin again, I could take it no longer.

“Yes Soosie? Is there something that you wished to ask me?”

“N…no saar…”

“Any doubt….come out!” I quipped, trying hard to avert my gaze as Susie stood on her toes and stretched herself in the most seductive manner to replace the cups on the topmost shelf of the cupboard. It was 2.30 in the afternoon and we were nearly through with the day’s OPD.

“Saar…I mean…can I yask something?”

“Hmm…hmm. Yes. Go ahead….”

“Saar, are you going to see a fillum today?”

“Who told you so?” I sat up bolt upright.  

“No saar. I overheard you and Phadnis saar…..” Susie flashed her 32. (Thirty two teeth, I mean. Moreover, that isn’t 32, that’s probably 34 or 36. Whatever.)

“Uh…yes, Faddu and I are going to see Kambakkht Ishq today. So?” I deliberately hid the fact from her that we had roped in Dimpy Minochha as well, and that the tickets had already been booked on phone. Faddu and I had planned to make the most of the afternoon by having Dimpy Minochha sit between the two of us in the cinema hall. We were banking on the assumption that Dimpy would fall asleep sometime in the second half and eventually roll over to one side, resting her head on one of the two gallant shoulders. I knew Faddu badly wanted to win, though I too was not exactly averse to the idea of shouldering Miss Dimpy’s little siesta.

“Saar…” My reverie was broken as Susie dropped all pretense and came straight to the point, “can I also go saar? I promise I will sit quietly next to Dimple docsaab. “

WHAT? She knew about Dimpy too?! I suddenly felt like a fly which had fallen into a bowl of sweet corn soup. Plenty of sweet and cow1corn, but still a soup nevertheless. I brushed aside an unpleasant image of Dimpy’s head resting on Susie’s shoulders and Faddu’s oily head dumped on mine. Susie was eyeing me expectantly with the gaze of a benevolent cow (there, in the pic) that had just been shown a sackful of delicious fodder. There was no choice but to relent.

“Hrrrmph!” I grunted, and reached for the phone. ”Let me see if we still have any tickets left!”

Nothing much happened between then and 3.30 pm when the four of us reached Fun Cinema for the afternoon screening of Kambakkht Ishq. Faddu had grumbled quite a lot on hearing about Susie’s inclusion in the party. Dimpy seemed exceedingly pleased. I struck her name off the samosa list for her misdemeanour.

And Susie exclaimed once, “Saar…I am watching the maternity show after a really long time…” Poor confused girl. Didn’t know the difference between matinee and maternity.

To be continued.

Bongspeak

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Kolkattaiya English has a unique rasogolla like flavour, maachher kaaliya (fish korma) like aroma and jhalmoori (spiced up puffed rice) like tangy finish. Nothing but an exotic delight of linguistic cuisine. If you have seen Baappida on stage (Haamey toomse pair keetna)….or Pranob babu bifor da Parlaament (Da Gobharment is bhery seriaas about tackeling da resheshaan), you’d know what I propose to say.

Ask a Bong about life in general, and he would break into a sentimental rhapsody…

In nineteen sebenty phibe, howen I owaas seben eaars old, I owaas chased by a beeg stray dog, and I litarally ran across tha Howrah Breej in fipteen sekends. I think I ran phastaar than Carl Leewis! Had tha gobharment chosen me phor 100 mitaar race in Olimpic, I would hab brought a Gold Medel phor Bharot!

Ask a Bong if he smokes or drinks…..

Smoking? Only waan packet paar day. Uills Classic. Modira? O…I am bhery selectib about drinks. I prephaar only Old Monk Raam or Tich-arse Choice huiski. Naathing else. No beer teer or bhodka phodka. And waan peg only bephore dinnar. Aare Robithakur himselp wrote about huiski…

Deshe onnojoler holo ghor onoton …..Dhoro huiski soda aar moorgi moton! Hahahaha.

You know….littil bit of drinking is actuaali good for haart! And shaala my wife daas not allau me to drink more. Bheri alaart……hahahahaha!!

Enquire about his passions…..

Phutball…I laabh phutball. Mohon Bagan. I jaast laabh their green and howite outphit! Howen I waas in college, I played phor their B team. And then shaala I got married…that ruined my dreem of playing phor Mohon Bagan. And cricket?…Cricket is jaast hopeless. No team ephort! Ebhrybody wants to do adbhartisement! See Sri Lonka…reached tha phainaal!

And on fidelity….

It is bhery important to be phaithphul in marriage. We hab so meny phimale colleagues….it is so easy to be dibharted! Baat, you maast show discipline eour selph. So, my rule of thaamb is – abhoid eye contact. All contacts begin uith eye contact. So, when you are talking to a phimale colleague, don’t ebhaar look into the eyes…look elsewhare…I mean look aaway.

And finally, whom does he actually admire…

Mai-kell Jaksaan (aha-bechaara), Ronaaldino, Maradona, Ko-peel Deb, Maadhuri, Omitabb, Shourob, Shochin, Mollika Sheraoaat (uff), Mondira Bedi, Bhibh Richaard, Shakira (ufff…mairee!), Aambani, Bipasha, and meny more…shob shalaar naam ki mone thakey!

This delightful conversation may go on and on and on….

Bappida pronob

Who Framed Todger Grabbit

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It is indeed a queer quirk of fate that actor Todger Grabbit finds himself today behind bars, accused by his bai of fishing in forbidden waters.  To the utter consternation of Mr. Grabbit perhaps, the bars in this case are made of steel, and are not the usual assembly of glass topped tables with cushioned chairs and hovering bartenders. Apparently, Todger Grabbit weaseled into illicit territory while attempting to his hook his libidinous line with his bai’s innocent sinker, and when the police took him into custody, he was reportedly trying to fix his blemished rudder with oil stains all over it.  

Now, for the uninitiated, the word bai refers to a female domestic help in Indian households. Such a person, as a rule, is believed to possess a multitude of sweeping, unconditional rights conferred automatically upon her from the day she condescends to extend her estimable services in exchange for an ample salary. This includes holding an entire household to ransom over the right to avail unlimited casual leaves and the right to demand generous grants of credit and consumables at bai-monthly intervals. Most Indian households, particularly in the metropolitan cities, are strictly bai-polar, where the word of the bai is final and bai-nding. Understandably, no one messes with their clan, let alone even think of flexing bai-ceps before them or rubbing them in either right or wrong ways. Wrath of a bai is horror personified, as Todger Grabbit is now realising to his utter humiliation.

Mr. Grabbit’s wayward, and in a way, inexplicable behavior is increasingly being attributed to a few of his earlier films, in which he was shown cavorting amorously with assorted seductresses in wanton acts of unbridled lust. Sins Since then of course, Mr. Grabbit has come a long way, grabbing a Filmfare Award or two on the route and generally coming to be accepted as an acceptable actor. As his co stars emphatically point out, Mr. Grabbit sported a wholesome reputation on the whole and was known to keep his boat usually under wraps, at an arm’s length from raunchy vessels bobbling in alluring waters. As to why Mr. Grabbit chose to rip away from his fairly steady anchor and run after a wild goose so late in married life, is definitely a puzzle for human bai-logists to mull over.

His defense counsel may argue that poor Todger was an innocent bai-stander in the whole sordid affair, and that all evidences that otherwise point to a forced one night bai-stand are utterly fabricated. Perhaps, it was merely bai-chance that Mr. Grabbit happened to be at home when the domestic help was rubbing away at the floor hard, in a sincere attempt to make it shiny and lustrous. Perhaps Mr. Grabbit was seized by a philanthropic urge to lend a hand in her chores, and that the passionate chorus which resulted was a bai-product of those messy laws of physics involving forced vibrations and unnatural frequencies. Or that Todger was merely riding a bai-cycle in his loving living room and inadvertently lumped into the lass in question, the bai-cycle’s handle doing all the grimy damage. The counsel may also argue that the congress was consensual to begin with, and the alarm which was raised afterwards was the result of failed bai-lateral negotiations. Whichever the case may be, for once, Spongebob has been apprehended without his square pants in place.

Whatever may be the truth, Mr. Grabbit’s career appears pretty blighted for the moment. Licking illicit grape juice is an 65C68-sour-grapesinfinitely more heinious crime than, say, ferrying guns with roses. If the charge is proved, Mr. Grabbit will spend the next decade or so mending his tattered sails in undignified confinement. He may, perhaps, redeem his image later by writing a truthful autobaiography, confessing to his sins. His distraught wife, who is putting up a brave face and an impassioned fight at the moment, will eventually wipe away her tears and get on with the task of bringing up their child. It may also happen that Mr. Grabbit’s counsels manage to make him wriggle out of the bai-gamy charge through some loophole in the bai-laws of the Indian Penile Penal Code.

All characters and situations mentioned in WFTG are figment of the author’s flatulent imagination. Any resemblance to characters alive or dead or somewhere in between is purely coincidental and unintentional.

Swine Flu and the Fellowship Dinner – II

Before you read any further, may I recommend you read Swine Flu and the Fellowship Dinner – I first and then return to explore this post.

Dr. Dimple Minochha, fondle fondly called Dr. Dimpy by all of us, is the hospital radiologist (that is to say, her knowledge of the human body is understandably more than just skin deep). A youthful person of attractive features and cheerful disposition, she is particularly known for her spectacular set of huge boo books, and she quite seems to appreciate the stares that her boo books attract from all and sundry. Even patients of anal fissures in undisguised torment are known to sit up wide eyed and forget their agonies in the presence of Ms. Minochha, with mouths agape and gazes fixed on her awesome assets, the books. Therefore, it goes beyond saying that most of us utterly love to discuss her texts in our spare time, particularly the ones having interesting tit titles like How Large Is Your Dosimetry Error and Bare Bones Radiology. I must, however, make it known that I do not particularly enjoy the discussion veering off on salacious trajectories, which happens rather regularly and inevitably when Phadnis is around.

I summoned Susie and sent her off to Dr. Dimpy with the message that I wished to discuss a few topics of grave clinical importance with her at the hospital cafeteria.  Susie returned shortly, confirming the appointment. At the appointed hour, I trotted off towards the canteen, humming Ek ajnabi haseena sey, yun mulaqaat ho gayi, fir kya hua, ye na poochho, kuchh aisee baat ho gayi. No one should, however, derive any conclusions other than that I am a devoted fan of Kishore Kumar, and that the song I was humming was purely on account of an effusion of un-adult-rated happiness rather than being any reflection of immoral intent on my part.

I found Dimpy Minochha at the cafeteria table. She greeted me with a sparkling smile as I took the chair opposite her. “Hello Dr. Dimpy…er…Dimple”, I said, exposing my teeth.

“Hell-low Dr. Bonerji. How are you?”

Boner ji? BO-NER-JI?? I mean, did she actually say BONER JI???

I was aghast. To be called a boner by a young respectable lady is perhaps the worst thing that can happen to you after swine flu. Not even my most hated detractors have ever dared to address me by such slanderous endearments. I felt like drowning myself then and there in the dirty pool of spilled coffee on the cafetaria table, right next to Dimpy’s voluminous books.

“Excuse me, but my name is …(I told her what my surname was). And not every Bengali is a Bonerji or Chetterji.”

I was itching to deliver a powerful discourse on Bengali nomenclature to Dimpy, explaining in no uncertain terms how she and her clan overused the letter ‘o’ white pronouncing Bengali names. Come on guys, if you cannot pronounce Ganguly properly, better say Gun-Goli. Gongoly, Kolkota, Roshogollo, Omi Tomako Bholoboshi etc. are utterly unacceptable.

Anyway, I decided against displaying any impetuosity before this girl. My primary objective was to wriggle out of tonight’s lecture on swine flu, and I was here to see if there was anything of interest in Dimpy’s books on this matter.

“Well, Dr. Dimple..”, I began quizzing her in earnest “have you heard of swine flu?”6CD5F-flu

“Swine flu? Yes there was something about that in the papers. But I didn’t read…”

Holy hooligans! She had no idea of swine flu! This was even better. I rubbed my hands in glee.

“But you must be knowing about tonight’s seminar…”

“Yes..I just signed the circular. You are speaking on the topic tonight..na…?

“Well..you see Dr. Dimple..” it was time to play my cards “I’d have loved to but I have a terribly sore throat and won’t be able to pull it off..” I broke into a loud cough and thrashed about a bit, just to underscore my point. Dimple looked alarmed.

“Would you deliver the lecture in my place, Dr. Dimple? I mean…. its just a polite request…”

“Me! Oooh no!” Dimple Minochha gave a violent shudder whick shook the whole table with her books and all. A fly which was trying to accomodate itself at the edge of my coffee cup fell into it and drowned instantly. This was getting sticky. There was no way I could allow the opportunity to slip.

“Look Dr. Dimple…” I began reasoning with her in a calm, patronising sort of tone, “what’s the harm? We all know you are one of the most brilliant academics around (which was a lie, of course). So what if you do not know the details? I shall help you out…” I coughed again and pretended that it hurt a lot.

“You know what a common flu is…don’t you Dr. Dimple?”

“Yes…but….this isn’t common flu!”

“Hardly any difference”, I reassured her. “Same sneezing, watery eyes, choked throat…you know.”

Dimpy Minochha’s eyes brightened. “Isn’t our Director saab suffering from flu too…? I saw him sneezing violently in the morning…”

Aha! That was news to me. I wasn’t aware of the old scrooge having contracted the sneezophrenia already. “Swine… with flu”. I said to myself.

“Oh yes of course! How silly of me not to mention that…” I exclaimed. “Why, you could even quote his example while describing the signs and symptoms of swine flu. The two aren’t much different after all…”

“But…”

“Now no ifs and buts Dr. Dimple. This is a great opportunity for you to hog the limelight…”  

After another twenty minutes of cajoling, and one more round of frappe, Dr. Dimpy Minochha finally acquiesced. By now, she was enough informed to acknowledge that something called swine flu existed. I took her hand in mine (only for shaking briefly, mind you) and thanked her profusely for having saved my poor throat from complete outage. As we walked back to our respective chambers, I politely offered to carry her books and was a tad disappointed when she declined. Back in my chamber, I shot off a brief note to the Hospital Director, thanking him for considering my name for tonight’s honours. I told him about my throat problem and assured him that Dr. Dimple Minochha would address the audience in my place.

EPILOGUE – What a royal waste of food it was at the Fellowship Dinner. I’ll tell you what happened. The Hospital Director sneezed a couple of times as Dr. Dimple Minochha rose from her chair. She began her address thus-

“Dear colleagues. As you know our Hospital Director is suffering from swine flu…”

Needless to say a pandemonium broke out. The auditorium was deserted in 48 seconds flat. But not without a brief and violent elbow fight at the exit. I clearly saw Dr. Mrs. Pandey grasping Dr. Meglani’s collar and chucking him aside in a most dastardly manner, all in a bid to escape first. Only three of us, the HD, Dimpy Minochha and myself were left behind after the melee.

That night I ate 15 chicken legs. :-D