Do You Have A Serious Drinking Problem?

If the following hold true for you, you have a serious drinking problem and you don’t know it.

1. The floor jumps up and hits you on the face with disturbing regularity.

2. The breath analyser finds only slight traces of breath in your breath.



3. When your buddy says ‘Let’s chill out’, you jostle with the refrigerator and try to sit inside it.

4. You pour whiskey on your cornflakes and try eating them with a fork.

5. Mosquitoes fail the flight test after biting you, and crash into walls.

6. Your car seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

7.  The fishes in the aquarium pick up an arguement with you, and lose.

8. You discover you’re left with two left feet, and then you are unable to find them too.

9. You light a cigarette, pull at the burning end and wonder why your tongue tastes like a barbecued frog.

10. Job interferes with your drinking.

11. The 5 blood groups, according to you, are O, OM (Old Monk), A, B and, ummm….. XYZ(?). Maybe.

12. You focus better with one eye closed.

13. You type a lulid rulid lurid message on your mobile….and send it to your wife.

14. You open the laptop and find alphabet keys all over the screen.

15. The doc examines your butt for your piles and fissure problem and writes the diagnosis ‘KING FISSURE’.



16. Friends armed with fire extinguishers have to stand at a safe distance as you blow out your birthday candles.

17. The trouser you’re wearing suddenly appears to have developed too many pockets.

18. You see your image in the mirror and mistake it to be a burgler.

19. Vijay Mallaya calls you and advises you to cut down on booze.

20. You forget what ‘Bottoms up’ means and endeavour to heave your backside northwardly whenever that is uttered.


Vijay Mallaya: Trademark Beered!

About the Author

35 Comments on this article. Feel free to join this conversation.

  1. Tarun Goel August 10, 2009 at 8:07 am -

    18 and 19 are the best.

    RI: Thanks 🙂

  2. allthecrap August 10, 2009 at 8:21 am -

    6 and 7 are wesome..good going bro..nice one!!!!… 🙂

    RI: Thanks AL 🙂 Keep visiting.

  3. cutting_chai August 10, 2009 at 12:33 pm -

    19 is the best! A lot of research seems to have gone into the writeup…ha..ha!!

    RI: The research was unaided, self funded and unapproved by the ethics committee until I gve them a party 😉 Thanks for visiting.

  4. Spike August 10, 2009 at 1:55 pm -

    ha ha ha ha! These are priceless! Can Mallaya put the art on the Force India F1 car?????!!!

    RI: Great idea Spike. I am thinking of forwarding this to Mallaya himself 😉

  5. witsnnuts August 10, 2009 at 7:49 pm -

    ROFL @ 7 & 8 ..
    Personal Experience ????? 😉

    RI: Not necessarily. A man learns from others’ experiences too 😉

  6. perplexed August 10, 2009 at 9:09 pm -

    #16 – hahaha!! some intense research you must’ve done doc! nice work 😛

    RI: Thanks 🙂 Intense indeed 😛

  7. Shanu August 10, 2009 at 11:00 pm -

    Speaking from experience are we?

    RI: Research experience, you may say 😛

  8. maxdavinci August 11, 2009 at 1:00 am -

    there’s one I can think of
    when you can no longer pee on a cigarette butt or a camp fire without resulting in a serious fire hazard!

    RI: Lol! Or “When your car stalls because of zero fuel, you may pee in the petrol tank and reach the nearest gas station!” 😀
    Good one Max

  9. rahul August 11, 2009 at 10:29 am -

    LMAO..dude these are just out of this rock I particularly liked this..The breath analyser finds only slight traces of breath in your breath.
    one more…you can now dance even to the breaking news of India TV :P..from experience:)!!

    RI: I do accept this. India TV does thoroughly ‘BREAK’ the news. 😛

  10. whatsinaname August 11, 2009 at 12:03 pm -

    he he he! superb!
    waiting to see Haathis comment on this!
    Can excessive kaapi drinking lead to all this too? Gosh I am worried 😉

    RI: Kaapi? I guess not. That’s innocuous.
    Haathi? I’m going to be trampled 😉

  11. whatsinaname August 11, 2009 at 12:07 pm -

    and i can think of one more!
    ….. when you cannot differentiate between Rakhi Sawant and Deepika 😉

    RI: Or…”can differentiate between Rakhi and Deepika only by looking at them through the bottom of a beer pitcher” Lol!

  12. Vidooshak August 11, 2009 at 3:32 pm -

    The King-fissure has a sparkling resemblance to the author. What a bubbly post!

    RI: To whom? The one on the table…or the one standing and staring? 😀

  13. whatsinaname August 11, 2009 at 5:10 pm -

    agree with vidooshak 🙂
    I thought so too!

    RI: Duh!

  14. Nameless Fameless August 11, 2009 at 8:28 pm -

    :)) lolz. . that was really nice …

    RI: Thanks NF 🙂 Welcome to my blog.

  15. gauri August 11, 2009 at 9:10 pm -


    RI: Geez! I thought you had boarded a submarine and gone for a deep dive below the Arctic! Good to see ya back 🙂

  16. doctoratlarge August 11, 2009 at 9:43 pm -

    this author’s brain is so fertile that we need not worry about the looming famine.

    RI: Seriously, you do not intend to have my head ploughed and manured, do you?

  17. Nidarshana August 12, 2009 at 3:16 pm - actually wrote that! 3, 5, 9, 13, 16…were the ROFL’most ones 🙂

    RI: Thanks. No. 13 is my personal favourite as well 😛

  18. ~uh~™ August 12, 2009 at 6:20 pm -

    I can’t laugh on this serious issue. I have to say that your imagination is far from the truth.
    I started writing my comment and it went so long that I had to make it a dedicated post on my blog- AEIOU ¿ ®.
    Please read the Myths and Truths about Boozer’s Problem.

    RI: Of course, this is quite a serious matter. But I cannot accept your dismissal of my observations as being imaginery and conjectural. While dealing with intangibles, some degree of exaggeration is not uncalled for, and I sincerely believe in not having erred at calling a frog a frog and a fish a fish 😀
    You post promises to be exhaustive and instructive. I shall promptly read that and offer my considered opinion on the subject.

    • ~uh~™ August 12, 2009 at 10:45 pm -

      On second read i feel #7 can be somewhat true. Only that the fish transforms to mermaid, depending on how many has been downed.

      Oh, I forgot to mention that the cartoons were great. Especially Mallaya’s. He has to grin and beer it.

      RI: 😀

  19. Ms Taggart August 12, 2009 at 6:54 pm -

    Good list.. I remember doing couple of these before.. so I guess I had the problem! 😛

    RI: Not necessarily. You have to score more than 50% to qualify for that hallowed niche 😀

  20. rahul aggarwal August 13, 2009 at 2:44 pm -

    i died laughing…
    12 % 15 is THE BEST!!!!

    2 good!!!

    RI: Welcome Rahul. Thanks for appreciating 🙂

  21. rahul aggarwal August 13, 2009 at 2:46 pm -

    y m i reading this blog when m drunk. every letter repeats in front of my eyes….hehehehe

    RI: That’s actually a good point you make. Double vision should be a part of any testing algo 🙂

  22. Amrita~ams August 13, 2009 at 7:04 pm -

    heheh..tested..I m not having any prob 😛
    rofl @ point 7 😀
    and vijay uncles pic is deadly 😛

    RI: Good. I hope the testing process was scrupulous and unbiased 😀
    Thanks for appreciating Uncle Mallaya’s new avataar 🙂

  23. Lynn August 14, 2009 at 3:37 am -

    hey those are really good. king fissure funny!!

    RI: Thanks Lynn for visiting my blog and writing a nice comment. 🙂
    I remember a WILLS Cigarette ad which said ‘Live Life KINGSIZE’! OMG!

  24. Karishma August 14, 2009 at 10:45 am -

    Hilarious ! Esp like the last point 🙂

    RI: Welcome to my blog 🙂
    Interesting point you make there. I imagine in such a position, one is quite at risk of getting thoroughly booted around! 😀

  25. Ms Taggart August 14, 2009 at 3:34 pm -

    Oh well.. I am just back from UdtaHaathi’s.. and his first point, and the others he wrote kinda put me in the niche category.. 😛

    RI: In that case, you can’t be denied the honour ! 😛

  26. Writer's Block August 14, 2009 at 5:20 pm -


    Actually, # 5 and # 16 are totally ROFLing.

    RI: Thanks 🙂
    Welcome to my blog WB. Both of your choices reflect your dexterity in disaster management 🙂

  27. Ashwathy August 19, 2009 at 6:52 pm -

    hahaha!!! classic!! 😀

    tongue tastes like a barbecued frog LOL!

    height of drunkeness…!!! Mosquitoes fail the flight test after biting you, and crash into walls.

    You see your image in the mirror and mistake it to be a burgler.
    trust me when i say i know ppl to whom this has happened!! 😀

    but the best part was vijay mallya’s caricature… it rocks! 😀

    RI: Thanks 😀 I hope no one as yet has tried to shoot a burgler in that state!

  28. Aditya August 20, 2009 at 10:23 am -


    15 was d best…i mean the best !

    • Rofl Indian August 21, 2009 at 1:24 am -

      Thanks 🙂 You’re the only one to have appreciated #15. Its my pers favourite too !

  29. Ashish S August 22, 2009 at 5:06 pm -

    Nice humorous post!

    RI: Thanks Ashish. Welcome to my blog

  30. Varun Gawarikar August 24, 2009 at 5:35 pm -

    Insanely hilarious. Love each and every point in the post.

    RI: Thanks varun. Welcome to my blog 🙂

  31. Ravi Lobo August 29, 2009 at 7:09 pm -

    Very nice post. Very good observation.

    RI: Thanks Ravi. Welcome 🙂

  32. महेंद्र March 21, 2013 at 12:47 pm -

    You rock !! Gonna translate this on my blog some time 🙂