Here are 50 of my humour tweets that I posted on Twitter in recent days. Now in a blogpost.
- Married man’s idea of foreplay: half an hour of applying balm on wife’s forehead.
- Kid: Dad, explain hypotenuse. Dad: Umm….hypotenuse is that side of the sandwich from which the potato pops out.
- Two trains coming towards each other at different speeds have been running over maths students since time immemorial.
- Sadhu Yadav expelled from Congress for totally different reasons. You cannot stay in Congress and call yourself Sadhu.
- Hey guys, howsoever smart we men consider ourselves, we can never figure out if women laugh with us, or laugh at us.
- Not buying any onions. Me and wife are going to have a romantic ‘kanda-lite’ dinner tonite.
- With the advent of social media, it is now possible to send birthday wishes to someone without really meaning it.
- Ancient tribal dance forms aren’t entirely lost. They are still practiced by drunk relatives of the groom during marriages in & around Delhi
- Creativity is like making Sunday breakfast. The challenge is to make it awesome, yet keep it simple.
- “Twitter fight is like porn. Two make all the noise. Two million enjoy.” – Rumi
- The second button of someone’s shirt is a clue to whether the guy is a gentleman or a scoundrel.
- Among all Great Whites, sharks are the most harmless. The most menacing ones are those politicians in khadi.
- Not only it is inappropriate to sneeze while your relatives are visiting you, it is also a direct giveaway that you’re hiding in the fridge.
- We all people on Twitter look forward to Friday as if we actually have got jobs and all!
- Poverty related data is a stat of the mind.
- Raavan had ten Facebook accounts because he had 10 faces. Most of my friends have two.
- As a Dad, if you are discussing pregnancy with your kid, you should begin from the moment you and Mom liked each other’s Facebook posts.
- If you’re 40, and can’t read the disclaimers on booze labels, it’s astigmatism. If you pretend you can’t read, that’s pragmatism.
- What do you call random and disorderly combinations of alphabets that convey nothing? Medical degrees.
- I really appreciate that Bata keeps the cost for a pair of shoes Rs.999.95. Because Rs.1000 is outrageously expensive & totally unreasonable
- It is estimated that the amount of food stored in Instagram could feed a dozen hungry nations for a decade.
- Last night police brought a badly battered woman in emergency. Turned out she was only trying to apply lipstick while driving over potholes.
- KFC’s catchphrase ‘Finger Lickin’ Good’ makes immense sense. They give 20 sachets of ketchup and just 1 tissue with their meals.
- Sign at a urologist’s office: if you can’t P, please join the Q.
- It takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm out and slap the idiot.
- Newton discovered gravity when an apple fell on his head. He discovered action and reaction when he sat down on a pineapple.
- In olden days when there were no smartphones, men came to know about autocorrect only when they got married.
- “Men who refuse gulab jamun in Delhi eat jalebi in Bangkok” – Confucius
- Meanwhile, in heaven, Rabindranath Tagore is itching to rewrite the Jana Gana Mana song incorporating all 29 states.
- To err is human. To err on purpose is bureaucracy.
- Men who lap up the sugar syrup after having eaten the gulab jamun are the ones from whom their wives’ sisters must keep safe distance.
- An intern doc never allows his girlfriend to touch his car. That’s because 1) he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and 2) he doesn’t have a car.
- Astronauts aboard space station. “What’s that wall like thing?” “The Great Wall of China..” “And those two domes?” “That’s Kim Kardashian.”
- Sunday is when Arnab Goswami checks his doctor’s blood pressure.
- No no, Telenganite is not a mineral. It’s actually a person belonging to Telangana.
- In porn, you stop watching once the plumber has had a good time with the woman. No one cares to watch how he fixed the leaking pipe later.
- Kenny G has contributed greatly to humanity. A whole generation was conceived with him playing sax in the background.
- “A barrel and a tyre in the middle. A football on top. Four sticks and a tap sticking out.” – Aliens describing middle aged Indian
- Gym trainer says if you really want to lose weight, you must eat within a Rs 12 per day budget.
- I strongly support a two-party system. One party on Friday night and the other on Saturday.
- ‘Sir!’ is subordination. ‘Sir!Sir!’ is sycophancy.
- I remember the good old days when there was no Instagram and we used to eat food like normal persons.
- What do you call a woman who fights like a Punjabi, swears like a Dehlite, and wears clothes like a Bong? Mamata Banerjee.
- Two diseases that affect your bones: 1. Lust – weakens your knees 2. Greed – crushes your spine
- Platonic: the relationship that you’re supposed to have with 3 people in ur life: gf’s best friend, neighbors wife & your boss’s secretary.
- Sundays are when you experiment with all possible sleeping postures during the day.
- No matter how much you drink, there’s no way you can have more than 365 hangovers in a non leap year.
- Whenever Mamta Banerjee gets admitted in a hospital, all doctors check their blood pressures.
- You get 20% drunk just by looking at a bottle of whiskey.
- No one is perfect. Perfumes that smell the best taste the worst.
Really fantastic stuff