Fifty Funniest Tweets

Here are 50 of my humour tweets that I posted on Twitter in recent days. Now in a blogpost.

  1. Married man’s idea of foreplay: half an hour of applying balm on wife’s forehead.
  2. Kid: Dad, explain hypotenuse. Dad: Umm….hypotenuse is that side of the sandwich from which the potato pops out.
  3. Two trains coming towards each other at different speeds have been running over maths students since time immemorial.
  4. Sadhu Yadav expelled from Congress for totally different reasons. You cannot stay in Congress and call yourself Sadhu.sadhu yadav
  5. Hey guys, howsoever smart we men consider ourselves, we can never figure out if women laugh with us, or laugh at us.
  6. Not buying any onions. Me and wife are going to have a romantic ‘kanda-lite’ dinner tonite.
  7. With the advent of social media, it is now possible to send birthday wishes to someone without really meaning it.
  8. Ancient tribal dance forms aren’t entirely lost. They are still practiced by drunk relatives of the groom during marriages in & around Delhi
  9. Creativity is like making Sunday breakfast. The challenge is to make it awesome, yet keep it simple.
  10. “Twitter fight is like porn. Two make all the noise. Two million enjoy.” – Rumi
  11. The second button of someone’s shirt is a clue to whether the guy is a gentleman or a scoundrel.
  12. Among all Great Whites, sharks are the most harmless. The most menacing ones are those politicians in khadi.
  13. Not only it is inappropriate to sneeze while your relatives are visiting you, it is also a direct giveaway that you’re hiding in the fridge.
  14. We all people on Twitter look forward to Friday as if we actually have got jobs and all!
  15. Poverty related data is a stat of the mind.
  16. Raavan had ten Facebook accounts because he had 10 faces. Most of my friends have two.
  17. As a Dad, if you are discussing pregnancy with your kid, you should begin from the moment you and Mom liked each other’s Facebook posts.
  18. If you’re 40, and can’t read the disclaimers on booze labels, it’s astigmatism. If you pretend you can’t read, that’s pragmatism.
  19. What do you call random and disorderly combinations of alphabets that convey nothing? Medical degrees.
  20. I really appreciate that Bata keeps the cost for a pair of shoes Rs.999.95. Because Rs.1000 is outrageously expensive & totally unreasonable
  21. It is estimated that the amount of food stored in Instagram could feed a dozen hungry nations for a decade.
  22. Last night police brought a badly battered woman in emergency. Turned out she was only trying to apply lipstick while driving over potholes.
  23. KFC’s catchphrase ‘Finger Lickin’ Good’ makes immense sense. They give 20 sachets of ketchup and just 1 tissue with their meals.
  24. Sign at a urologist’s office: if you can’t P, please join the Q.
  25. It takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm out and slap the idiot.
  26. Newton discovered gravity when an apple fell on his head. He discovered action and reaction when he sat down on a pineapple.
  27. In olden days when there were no smartphones, men came to know about autocorrect only when they got married.
  28. “Men who refuse gulab jamun in Delhi eat jalebi in Bangkok” – Confucius
  29. Meanwhile, in heaven, Rabindranath Tagore is itching to rewrite the Jana Gana Mana song incorporating all 29 states.
  30. To err is human. To err on purpose is bureaucracy.
  31. Men who lap up the sugar syrup after having eaten the gulab jamun are the ones from whom their wives’ sisters must keep safe distance.
  32. An intern doc never allows his girlfriend to touch his car. That’s because 1) he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and 2) he doesn’t have a car.
  33. Astronauts aboard space station. “What’s that wall like thing?” “The Great Wall of China..” “And those two domes?” “That’s Kim Kardashian.”
  34. Sunday is when Arnab Goswami checks his doctor’s blood pressure.Arnab
  35. No no, Telenganite is not a mineral. It’s actually a person belonging to Telangana.
  36. In porn, you stop watching once the plumber has had a good time with the woman. No one cares to watch how he fixed the leaking pipe later.
  37. Kenny G has contributed greatly to humanity. A whole generation was conceived with him playing sax in the background.
  38. “A barrel and a tyre in the middle. A football on top. Four sticks and a tap sticking out.” – Aliens describing middle aged Indian
  39. Gym trainer says if you really want to lose weight, you must eat within a Rs 12 per day budget.
  40. I strongly support a two-party system. One party on Friday night and the other on Saturday.
  41. ‘Sir!’ is subordination. ‘Sir!Sir!’ is sycophancy.
  42. I remember the good old days when there was no Instagram and we used to eat food like normal persons.
  43. What do you call a woman who fights like a Punjabi, swears like a Dehlite, and wears clothes like a Bong? Mamata Banerjee.
  44. Two diseases that affect your bones: 1. Lust – weakens your knees 2. Greed – crushes your spine
  45. Platonic: the relationship that you’re supposed to have with 3 people in ur life: gf’s best friend, neighbors wife & your boss’s secretary.
  46. Sundays are when you experiment with all possible sleeping postures during the day.
  47. No matter how much you drink, there’s no way you can have more than 365 hangovers in a non leap year.
  48. Whenever Mamta Banerjee gets admitted in a hospital, all doctors check their blood pressures.
  49. You get 20% drunk just by looking at a bottle of whiskey.
  50. No one is perfect. Perfumes that smell the best taste the worst.
About the Author

2 Comments on this article. Feel free to join this conversation.

  1. Kittu iamkits March 5, 2015 at 12:53 pm -

    Really fantastic stuff