Hair and Now

Bald as the bare mountain tops are bald, with a baldness full of grandeur.
– Matthew Arnold

This one is straight from the horse’s mouth. Though it is certainly not that I can be called a horse by any stretch of imagination; what I mean to say is that my account on hair loss can be blindly trusted as coming from someone who has seen it all and silently…well…er……endured it all. If you too are a healthy young (youngish/slightly older than youngish/frankly not so young) male and appear to be confounded by the inexplicable disappearance of fuzz from your scalp, blame it on the tRIO of genes, germs and geology.

Science has finally (yes, finally) succeeded in unearthing the bizarre truth behind hair loss. According to the tested and testified testaments published in scientific testimonials, “Thou shalt lose it, if thy genes carry the code for ‘androgenic alopecia’ or male pattern baldness (MPB)”. Its the extra testosterone in your blood and you really can’t help it. Rather a lousy dilemma – isn’t it? I mean, look at it this way – you don’t know whether to be exuberantly happy or silently gloomy about it! And God forbid if you’ve got dandruff; you will find yourself losing your ‘cover’ in double quick time! Lastly, the dihydrogen monoxide which you use for your ceremonious ablutions every morning may contain certain toxic impurities which your scalp may not find entirely appetising.

The reasons for hair loss is a subject that no two doctors, scientists, quacks or clinics seem to be able to agree on; everyone seems to have his or her own pompous opinion on the subject. The moot question, however, remains unanswered. Can hair loss be stopped? Particularly ‘androgenic alopecia’? Male Pattern Baldness to be precise. The consensus, based on current medical findings, is – no. If your mane is destined to leave you, it will. Yet, the mesmerizing variety of hair loss prevention therapies range from the incredible to the ‘down’right bizarre. It’s actually a multi-million dollar industry, doling out third rate strategies by the dozen for fleecing the poor hapless neobalds. Google returns a whopping 52000000 results for ‘bald’ in 0.05 seconds flat with nearly each website enticingly dangling its own hairy carrot! . None of the following remedies offer anything but purely temporary hope.

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1. Spreads and sprays: Didn’t your padosi aunty suggest you dip yourselves head-on in a gooey batter of eggs, besan (flour), nimboo (lemon) juice and tulsi leaves paste purely as an effective ghare-loo (domestic) measure? You won’t taste bad either if deep fried properly. People have gone to the extent of suggesting smearing cowdung and rinsing hair with cow urine (see pic)

2. Shampoos: I was once prescribed a COAL TAR shampoo by a bald dermatologist. One application nearly removed 30% of my remaining hair.

3. Medical therapies: Propecia, Minoxidil, Avodart, Revivogen (all trade names) are a few of the ‘promising’ (of course, they promise to drill holes in your pocket) therapies that have been empirically tried in MPB. The catch, however lies in their disclaimers: Results will not be achieved in days and probably not even in weeks, usually it  takes about three to six months for any (slight) improvement to be (barely) noticed but no two people will achieve the same results, what works for one may not work for another. Great! Moreover, each drug has its own side effects, and the result of tinkering with one’s hormones may not always be pleasant or predictable.

4. Vitamins & Superfoods: Poor Popeye! He couldn’t grow a single new hair on his pate even after munching tons of spinach. So do not expect much from a mushy concoction of chlorella, spirulina, micro-algae extracts, astaxanthin, broccoli sprouts, beans, blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, blackberries, seaweeds like wakame, arame, hiziki and vitamins like ascorbates, cobalamins, tocopherols etc. etc. And yes…May Almighty God save your guts, spare your digestion and replenish your poor pockets!!

5. Lasercombs: The lasercomb is the first take-home version of the rather expensive cosmetic laser devices found in salons all over the world. Individual treatments are very expensive and are usually only for the very wealthy. The Lasercomb is FDA approved as a cosmetic device for thickening the appearance of hair, and is currently undergoing testing as a bonafide hair growth stimulant. Once approved, it will hit the market for astronomical prices. Try it if you are Brunei’s Sultan!

6. Hair growing robots: During a 30-minute operation, these robots would pluck hair follicles from pre mapped areas in the back of the neck, then grow these follicles in culture until they number in the thousands. Then these robots would inject the follicles under the skin where the hair needs to grow back. Seems straight out of a sci-fi movie. But you never know if the robots might develop any snag midway. Technically speaking, a faulty robot may fail to limit its attention at the back of the neck, and attempt to pluck hair from wherever it may appear to be growing in abundance.

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There are bound to be other ingenious ways of preventing hair loss. Try them if you wish to. NO RESULTS GUARANTEED

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29 Comments on this article. Feel free to join this conversation.

  1. eye-in-sty-in April 30, 2009 at 4:06 am -

    Hair today gone tomorrow… Question… Is Hairy puttar immune from hair-loss?

    • Rofl Indian April 30, 2009 at 10:45 pm -

      Hairy Puttar not only has a ‘Hair Thickening Charm’ in his possession, he is supposed to be protected against the ‘Hair loss Curse’! How many of us can really boast of that? 🙂

  2. Smita April 30, 2009 at 12:37 pm -

    lol 😀

    U shud speak to Salman Khan/ Akshay Khanna…they have what was lost once upon a time 😀

    • Rofl Indian April 30, 2009 at 11:00 pm -

      Are you talking of the pretty princess and half the promised kingdom? Lol 😀

  3. Reva April 30, 2009 at 9:51 pm -

    There is this movie “Duplicity” in which they talk about a shampoo that actually GROWS Hair!!!! OMG!!! Maybe you can try that!! And a friend of mine whose hairline is receeding actually put on a wig for his wedding 😀 I couldn’t recognise him in the marriage pics!

  4. Rofl Indian April 30, 2009 at 11:13 pm -

    Hahaha. I hope the bride didn’t fail to recognise him while they were finally alone together. Imagine her asking him “Hello Uncle…do I know you?” 😀

  5. bouncing-bubble May 1, 2009 at 12:41 am -

    🙂
    There are people who get bowled over baldness, though the bald-headed person bawls over his hairless or less-hair status. 😀

    • Rofl Indian May 1, 2009 at 11:41 pm -

      Yes, balding may bowl over, but that doesn’t take away the right of bawling at balding 😀

  6. litterateuse May 1, 2009 at 9:30 pm -

    I have a solution that’s guaranteed to work against hairloss. Mix 2 tbsp of lemon juice with a glass of water. Add salt if you like. Drink it every morning. But as you do, it’s very important you don’t think of a lemon. 😐

    Guaranteed results 😛

    g

    • Rofl Indian May 1, 2009 at 11:45 pm -

      In that case, I’d rather think of two eggs…one for cracking on the skull, and the other for cracking open on a frying pan! Results should be comparable with that of lemon…what do you say ? 😀

      • gauri May 2, 2009 at 10:22 am -

        Eh? No, no! The point is to *not* think of a particular thing when you have it. So yes, you’re free to *not* think two eggs instead of a lemon 😛

        g

  7. Rofl Indian May 2, 2009 at 11:58 am -

    g
    It is just not possible for me to NOT think of eggs *sigh*
    I think I must reconcile with the state of affairs then!
    :-/

  8. naren May 7, 2009 at 10:41 pm -

    Enjoyed! I love it when the baldee lives in denial. For some reason, most top bankers in India have a penchant for combing seventeen strands of hair, each 10 inches long, from around the left ear to the right, and pretending they are mick jagger.

    Also, one sees Murphy’s law at work here. Why doesn’t male pattern baldness start at the nose?

    • Rofl Indian May 12, 2009 at 1:04 am -

      Haha. Yes, most of the foreign bankers won’t even have seven strands left! 🙂 Welcome Naren

  9. rahul May 8, 2009 at 3:54 pm -

    ROflmao..awesome post..and really nice remedies you have got here..and how many have you tried 😛

    • Rofl Indian May 12, 2009 at 1:05 am -

      Actually a very few. I was fortunate enough to realise the futility of the exercise quite early!

  10. Amit May 9, 2009 at 1:44 pm -

    I have been blessed with hair like a bear(just on my head), so I have the gene?
    I hope scientists come up with some method of extracting the gene and implanting it in another human. I could be a millionaire.

    • Rofl Indian May 12, 2009 at 1:25 am -

      Er…what about a little charity 😉
      Welcome Amit

  11. ~uh~™ May 13, 2009 at 1:34 pm -

    I am yet to venture into such bald territory. Blame it on tRIO !

    The hair growing robot cartoon was awesome work 🙂
    It reminded me the robotic feeder sequence of Chaplin’s Modern Times.
    Somehow Professors, Doctor’s & scientists, if not bald, doesn’t generate enough respect. With baldness can you imagine dudes like Socrates, Ed Harris or Utpal Dutta ?

    Anyway, I believe baldness can be completely cured once head transplantation surgery becomes successful & popular. No joke.
    Cheers!
    ~uh~

    • Rofl Indian May 19, 2009 at 4:06 pm -

      You mean…head transplant minus face transplant? Nice idea, Einstein’s head would be the most sought after in that case!

      • eye-in-sty-in May 19, 2009 at 4:09 pm -

        ha ha ha ha

      • eye-in-sty-in May 19, 2009 at 4:10 pm -

        Even laughter is being “monitored” these days – talk about big-brother watching… 😛

  12. ~uh~™ May 13, 2009 at 1:38 pm -

    ‘I was once prescribed a COAL TAR shampoo by a bald dermatologist. ‘

    Bald dermatologist? As unreliable as fokla dentist or blind ophthalmologist or pregnant nun.
    And what is Coal Tar shampoo? Was the brand name Head & Boulders? 😀

    • Rofl Indian May 19, 2009 at 4:27 pm -

      Haha! I’ve actually come across a very obese dietitian too!

  13. kritika May 13, 2009 at 2:18 pm -

    Dude. Shave it off. Bald is the new IN.

    Unless ofcourse if you want to try two spoons of lemon juice and a spattering of beer in piegon poo (crow crap can be a close substitute).

    • Rofl Indian May 19, 2009 at 4:57 pm -

      That’s quite radical! Complete deforestation is a scary thought. Beer sounds good though…it’ll sure help endure the shocks…but why waste it by adding pigeon poo? 😀

  14. Simply Ridiculous June 3, 2009 at 6:58 pm -

    Awesome post!! Try to shave your head completely.. This way you won’t worry about your hair anymore!!

    • Rofl Indian June 4, 2009 at 12:37 pm -

      Alas…that seems the only recourse 🙁