Japani Oil: In The Quest Of Truth

DSC00075QDay 1:

What the WTF! I had heard about Hokkaido cheese, Thimpu Cream, Waikiki Wafers and assorted other exotic products from far and really wide, but this? Every vernacular daily you turn in the morning, and there’s an ad of Japani Oil jumping out, claiming to turn on your taps of verve and vitality, promising to catapult your (God know which) performance to celestial levels. Wasn’t this something the sales guys at Citi needed the most? The Japs, I knew, were good at churning out pricey little 4 wheeled gizmos that darted about on oil, but this new grease from the techies of Tokyo was definitely an interesting piece of lump! Life, from now on, was pretty meaningless, unless I found out the truth!

So I elbowed my way to the local drug store, hailed the salesman and asked for a bottle of Japani Oil at the top of my voice. The other customers, as if they had seen a snake, almost jumped away from me, with a ‘arre yeh Japani oil bhi nahi jaanta’ kind of a look. I don’t know why, but a couple of ladies made a hurried exit from the store without even bothering to collect the change. Holy shrimp! It appeared as if I was the only one specimen around who wasn’t aware of the barmy oil story. Never mind. I was here for pure research, and was determined not to be distracted by anything.

I proceeded to examine the bottle in minute detail. No, there was no clue as to what this bally product aimed to achieve in life. It did have a picture of a man and a woman lying in bed, looking pretty dumb and exhausted, which I assumed to be the result of doing the routine laundry stuff and all that. The man, well, didn’t have his shirt on, and the woman too was quite …. er, modestly dressed. Okay, they had tossed their garb in the semi-automatic and were snoozing a little. One more possibility was there, but it was an uncomfortable thought and I brushed it off quickly. What if they were home loan defaulters, and the collection guys had bolted with their clothing! Oh God!

Now, there was one statement which caught my eye. Japani Oil was ‘ONLY FOR MEN’. Bingo! This had to be  a dead giveaway. So this 15 ml of Japani juice was indeed a product designed for the human male species. as far as I could count, there were no less than thirteen areas of the human body where you could think of applying Japani Oil for healthy gains. Scalp, face, ear, nose, hands, feet, teeth, chest, back, belly…and at least three different unmentionables. Theoretically, you could even drink it straight from the bottle, or pour a few drops carefully in a bottle of beer. But wait. Wasn’t I getting entangled into a rather royal knot? If the Japani Oil wasn’t an after shave or something, what on earth was it? Wasn’t the whole universe conspiring to hold back the truth from me?

Day 2:

Overnight, I had gained deep insights into the medicinal properties of Japani Oil. It seemed this concoction had definitely something to do with restoring the electrical charges of battered male batteries. Maybe the man and the woman in the picture weren’t afterall exhausted from doing the laundry. It was an exciting discovery of course, which needed independent verification. I contacted the Japan Information Centre of the Embassy of Japan, for help. Here’s the email I wrote to them (I’m not kidding. I actually wrote a mail to the embassy!)




Please direct this email to appropriate authorities from the scientific community

Respected Sir

I am extremely pleased to draw your kind attention to a famous product from the Land of Japan with the glorious name of ‘JAPANI OIL’. This truly magnificent gift from the highly intelligent Japs is reported to be available world wide. It is believed to possess magical medicinal properties, particularly related to the quick and effective cure of all those shameful and unmentionable problems which many human males silently face before the important and private moment of family reproduction. I wish to thank the scientific community of the Land of Japan profusely for formulating this product, thereby rescuing the worldwide human male population from gross humiliation and shame before and after legal marriage. Not only does this glorious product promise to re-infuse the petroleum of passion into exhausted human male life engines, this also will go a long way in applying the liniment of healing in broken up marriages, and restoring the faith in happy and healthy family life.

I am so impressed by this product that I want to know about the wonderful Japani Oil in detail. I sincerely request you to find me an authority to whom I may address the following questions and quench my thirst for scientific knowledge. My general questions are as stated under.

  1. Who was the great scientist who first invented Japani Oil?
  2. Is it an ancient formula? If yes, where was it buried?
  3. What is Japani Oil made of?
  4. Is it vegetarian or nonvegetarian? Is it like Cod Oil which is made of Cod liver?
  5. How does Japani Oil benefit the human male body parts?
  6. Was Japani Oil tested on any other animal before human use? What happened to that animal?
  7. Can Japani Oil be used for cooking?
  8. Can Japani Oil be applied to the head for stimulating gorgeous growth of human male hair?
  9. Can other noisy machines (table fans, old scooters etc) be lubricated with Japani Oil?
  10. Does Japani Oil catch fire during friction?
  11. Can Japani Oil be frozen or made into a candle?
  12. Is it true that some foreign scientists are trying to copy the formula and make ‘Chini Oil?
  13. How to remove Japani Oil stain from shirt?
  14. Is accidental or intentional ingestion of Japani Oil harmful?
  15. Can Japani Oil be used as purgative (like castor oil)?
  16. Are there any clinical trials going on in the Land of Japan on Japani Oil?
  17. Can Japani Oil be poured in ear to cure earache, or applied to tooth for curing toothache?
  18. Can Japani Oil cure piles?
  19. Can Bengali men rub Japani Oil on their bodies before taking a bath?
  20. Do Somali pirates look for tankers carrying Japani Oil?

My very sincere thanks. I hope you shall be very kind to reply.

Rofl Indian


Day 3:

Day 3 came as a minor setback for my brave efforts.  The Japanese Embassy guys, probably shaken by the illicit discovery of an inflammable oil, and further stirred by my questionnaire,  proceeded to disqualify my genuine request as spam. I always suspected the Japs of having a bad habit of dusting away uncomfortable things under the rug. This was proof!


But hey! My efforts are indefatiguable, my appetite for knowledge, insatiable, and above all, my spirit, indomitable. I may not have gained much by means of erudition, but the wisdom gained is worth its weight in Japani oil.

In one of my next posts, I shall endeavour to find appropriate answers to the questions posted above. As of now I conclude with the resolve to bring the naked truth behind Japani Oil out in the open soon

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33 Comments on this article. Feel free to join this conversation.

  1. ~uh~™ July 3, 2009 at 2:01 pm -

    This gotta be the hottest ROFL so far.
    I also need to know the answers of the “20 questions on Japani Oil”. Espacially #6,7, 17 & 19.
    Also I have few more queries-
    21. What happens if female species uses the Japani oil, say, in the same way it is meant to be applied for males ?
    22. How is Japani Oil different from Chini oil ?
    23. Can japani oil be used for head massage like Navaratna tel ?
    24. Was the novel ‘ A tel of two cities’ written based on Japani oil ?
    25. Is Japani Oil good for soar throat & tonsil ?
    Waiting for the answers soon.

    Rofl Indian: The answers are being manufactured 😉 Without Japanese collaboration of course. A tel of two cities opens up quite a few opportunities. I suppose after that, ‘Stepping on a tiger’s tel’ takes on a whole new meaning!

    • ~uh~™ July 3, 2009 at 2:06 pm -

      Oh, the last one.
      Does “All’s oil that ends well” hold good for Japani Oil ?
      or is it
      “All’s well that ends in an oil” ?

      Rofl Indian: Everything’s fair in lube and digging oil wells 😉

      • RAJ K BIHANI May 4, 2012 at 9:52 am -

        Hats off to you. For writing such a hilarious piece of gem. I laughed my hearts out and shared it with my friends. i m sure they too will sing peans to this Indian made Japanese invention. The likes of SONY, HONDA and YAMAHA will hang their head and….. in shame for failing to capture the imagination of Indians the this Tel has. LOL– RAJ KEEP WRITING > YOU MADE MY DAY OF LAUGHTER

  2. Jayaraman July 3, 2009 at 8:36 pm -

    Nihon no Abura wa sugoi desu yo.
    This is what you should have written and you would have got an immediate response from the embassy. The transliteration is
    Nihon no: Japan’s
    Abura: oil
    wa : is
    sugoi: Amazing, excellent etc
    desu yo: No English equivalent

    Man, this is awesome stuff. Did the women who left the chemist shop do so after giving their Denwa (phone) Bango (numbers)?

    Why do you want to know about effects of Nihon no Abura (Japani Tel) on Animals? Creating back up in case the the women gave wrong phone numbers 😉

    I really enjoyed reading it and chuckled at many places.

    Keep writing

    Jai “Onion Jack” Showa or Japanese language show off

    Rofl Indian: Oh Man! I am overwhelmed. Or even over and above that! Had I known you earlier, I’d have translittered the Japs into accepting my email and made them divulge the secrets of their sacred Sugoi Abura! Denwa Bango is a revelation. No they didn’t leave their benwa bangos, but I didn’t ask them too. As far as I can recall, Govinda once asked this question to Karishma Kapoor ‘What is your Denwa Bango?’. Er…whats the Japanese for ‘sandals’…just asking.
    Keep visiting. I hope to be a regular at your blog too.
    Hail the master. Hail Kuro Showa 😀

  3. amit July 3, 2009 at 9:19 pm -

    What! A Spam?!? Did you try again?

    Rofl Indian: No Amit 🙁 Why? Should I have posted the mail again? What difference would it have made?

  4. witsnnuts July 3, 2009 at 10:11 pm -

    adding to `uh`’s questions
    26) Why are the couple in the cover not Japanese ? Or is it the Indian Version of Japani Oil

    Rofl Indian: Good question. They could be outsourced workers 😀

  5. rahul July 4, 2009 at 10:13 pm -

    wow..the most ‘invigorating’ post so far :)….My efforts are indefatiguable, my appetite for knowledge, insatiable, and above all, my spirit, indomitable. …thne I guess you wouldn’t need that oil ..but nonetheless we are waiting for the naked truth??

    adding to uh’s questions
    Q: If it’s a men’s oil why don’t they have just the women on the cover??

    Dude , the very best of luck for the Indiblogger Award ,I am rooting for you!!
    Q: Does it really really affect the height..of…our legs,arms…?? 😛

    Rofl Indian: Arms, legs and assorted other organs you mean? *chuckles*
    Many questions remain unanswered…. 😀

  6. Nikhil Narayanan July 5, 2009 at 12:56 am -

    Good stuff.So genuine your doubts seem to be 😀


    Rofl Indian: Welcome Nikhil. Its an honour to have you here 🙂
    Thanks for the DP mention. I really appreciate it. But I doubt if the J Oil manufacturers would acknowledge our sincere efforts to make this product popular among bloggers 😉

  7. le embrouille blogueur July 6, 2009 at 8:35 am -

    Does Japanoi Oil have any “paani” in it ?? ….can it be mixed with Keo Karpin and applied before a Pears sponsored mid afternoon ablution before the consumption of enormous amounts of “mangso bhaath”…..would JW sing to Japani Oil …. “sar jo ter chakrae”…???

    Rofl Indian: Lol. Excellent question! Japani oil ought to have some ‘paani’ in it to be able to live upto desi standards. 🙂 And of course it can be mixed with Keo Karpin before consuming quintals od ‘mangsho bhaath’…not only that, it can be mixed with castor oil and consumed for superb purgative action if the mangsho bhaath gets stuck somehow! 😉

  8. farkandfunk July 6, 2009 at 3:52 pm -

    Post El Magnifico Sir!
    Hilarious questions, and additions by udtahaati! Kudos. I can’t stop laughing!

    RI: Thanks. The answers would be available soon 🙂

  9. whatsinaname July 6, 2009 at 3:56 pm -

    Gosh! (not the Bong one!)
    Of all the people in the world, this OIL has to land in the hands of an innocent person like YOU! So unfair, this life.

    Rofl Tami Indian: No..no…you don’t see the point. This is all about destiny! I have been chosen to spread the sacred truth of this potion among the denizens of the blogging world! And see…we’ve unearthed so many different uses already! 😛

  10. Shas July 28, 2009 at 10:52 pm -

    What a tel!
    Simply hilarious. I can’t stop laughing.

    RI: Thanks. Welcome Shas 🙂

  11. doctoratlarge August 26, 2009 at 11:19 pm -

    about the best short-piece humour article i have ever read on this planet.

    RI: Short piece? You mean like a bikini? I’m flattered.
    And honoured too 🙂

  12. Dheeraj November 15, 2009 at 3:20 am -

    pǝʇʇıɟǝuǝq ƃuıʇʇǝƃ osןɐ sı ǝsןǝ ǝuoǝɯos ‘ɟןǝsǝuo uo ʇı ǝsn oʇ ƃuıoƃ ʇou sı uǝɯ ssoq ‘„uǝɯ ɹoɟ ʎןuo„

    RI: Umm..yes, of course. I guess you are right 😉

  13. Dr Tushar Dashora March 12, 2010 at 12:06 pm -

    Well,there is just one more question to be added to your list.
    When Rajkapoor sang ‘mera joota hai jaapani’ was he aware of the face that JAPANI TEL
    is also available in India? Then we could have always had a Dada Kondke remake with him singing- Mera tel hai jaapani !

    RI: Hahaha. I wonder how Dada Kondke would have remade ‘Love in Tokyo’ in the context of Japani Oil!

  14. banai March 13, 2010 at 4:32 pm -

    Do not fall for these oils, they are nothing but cheats. you may get a momentary erection for a while, but these are not the cure, and there may be side effects too. i know of a person who used these oils and he suffered stiffness in his arm muscles. just never try these brands. the manufacturer use filthy minds to destroy our civilization. Some newspapers and news channels are helping this types of filthy item to destroy our civilization .
    Answered by gl bhasin, 08 Jun ’08 07:42 pmactually

    RI: Agreed…agreed!

    • Kula October 22, 2011 at 6:22 pm -

      THAT was funnier that all other posts. ROFL and tears and pissing on the floor laughing.

  15. omprakash saini September 22, 2010 at 3:48 pm -

    japani tel is increasw more time for a man

  16. omprakash saini September 22, 2010 at 3:51 pm -

    japani tel mere sabhi dost use lete h

  17. tapas koley December 17, 2010 at 7:20 am -

    i give me japani tel

  18. AmreekanGandu January 3, 2011 at 11:36 am -

    just few drops on ur penis,see it will start erecting 😛

    • Kula October 22, 2011 at 6:24 pm -

      Like quick-grow on a plant…i see.

  19. sanjib patra July 9, 2011 at 10:13 am -

    I could not stop laughing reading all questions……….i deviated my mind from using japani oil. thanks i need the answers of all questions soon. please have answer soon……..~~~~!!!!!!

  20. Amos September 16, 2011 at 9:04 pm -

    Is this great miracle oil approved by our great miracle hero rajnikaanth

  21. reluctant devil September 26, 2011 at 2:10 am -

    This post is epic, comments as well.:) Atleast someone noticed…..BTW I would rather prefer Musli Power after gulping couple of beers and screw an ugly basterd.

  22. RAJ K BIHANI May 4, 2012 at 10:16 am -

    Hats off to you. For writing such a hilarious piece of gem. I laughed my hearts out and shared it with my friends. i m sure they too will sing peans to this Indian made Japanese invention. The likes of SONY, HONDA and YAMAHA will hang their head and….. in shame for failing to capture the imagination of Indians the way this tel has. LOL– RAJ KEEP WRITING ROFL> YOU MADE MY DAY OF LAUGHTER

  23. RAJ K BIHANI May 4, 2012 at 11:28 am -

    Last heard that a Japanese delegates is coming along with their health minister after they accidentally watched the ad of JAPANI TEL in one of the vernacular Bengali channel after nuclear powerplant turmoil.They were of the opinion that benefits of such far reaching remedy cannot be be kept away from the rapidly aging population of japan speicially when the products has it’s so called origin in their LAND of RISING sun and what ever. They will sign MOU for it’s faster exports to japan. In doing so perhaps they give enough money to wipe away entire loans of WB govt. A nationwide hunt in JAPAN is on to know from where and when this secret formula was stolen and given to the Land Of BUDDHA.

  24. Garima June 17, 2012 at 8:26 am -

    Tell me about japani tel…??

  25. Japani tel buy online June 20, 2012 at 7:53 pm -

    An interesting discussion is definitely worth comment. I believe that you need to write more about this subject matter, it might not be a taboo matter but generally people do not speak about these subjects. To the next! Best wishes!!

  26. sanu June 24, 2012 at 2:30 pm -

    tell me the use of this oil? how can i use this? where this should be applied?

  27. MP Singh (@NotThatMP) October 4, 2012 at 2:27 pm -

    Doxaab, you should have inserted phrases/words like ‘South China Sea’ or ‘Sony’ to get through their spam filter.

  28. jack and jill February 20, 2013 at 1:49 pm -