What the WTF! I had heard about Hokkaido cheese, Thimpu Cream, Waikiki Wafers and assorted other exotic products from far and really wide, but this? Every vernacular daily you turn in the morning, and there’s an ad of Japani Oil jumping out, claiming to turn on your taps of verve and vitality, promising to catapult your (God know which) performance to celestial levels. Wasn’t this something the sales guys at Citi needed the most? The Japs, I knew, were good at churning out pricey little 4 wheeled gizmos that darted about on oil, but this new grease from the techies of Tokyo was definitely an interesting piece of lump! Life, from now on, was pretty meaningless, unless I found out the truth!
So I elbowed my way to the local drug store, hailed the salesman and asked for a bottle of Japani Oil at the top of my voice. The other customers, as if they had seen a snake, almost jumped away from me, with a ‘arre yeh Japani oil bhi nahi jaanta’ kind of a look. I don’t know why, but a couple of ladies made a hurried exit from the store without even bothering to collect the change. Holy shrimp! It appeared as if I was the only one specimen around who wasn’t aware of the barmy oil story. Never mind. I was here for pure research, and was determined not to be distracted by anything.
I proceeded to examine the bottle in minute detail. No, there was no clue as to what this bally product aimed to achieve in life. It did have a picture of a man and a woman lying in bed, looking pretty dumb and exhausted, which I assumed to be the result of doing the routine laundry stuff and all that. The man, well, didn’t have his shirt on, and the woman too was quite …. er, modestly dressed. Okay, they had tossed their garb in the semi-automatic and were snoozing a little. One more possibility was there, but it was an uncomfortable thought and I brushed it off quickly. What if they were home loan defaulters, and the collection guys had bolted with their clothing! Oh God!
Now, there was one statement which caught my eye. Japani Oil was ‘ONLY FOR MEN’. Bingo! This had to be a dead giveaway. So this 15 ml of Japani juice was indeed a product designed for the human male species. as far as I could count, there were no less than thirteen areas of the human body where you could think of applying Japani Oil for healthy gains. Scalp, face, ear, nose, hands, feet, teeth, chest, back, belly…and at least three different unmentionables. Theoretically, you could even drink it straight from the bottle, or pour a few drops carefully in a bottle of beer. But wait. Wasn’t I getting entangled into a rather royal knot? If the Japani Oil wasn’t an after shave or something, what on earth was it? Wasn’t the whole universe conspiring to hold back the truth from me?
Overnight, I had gained deep insights into the medicinal properties of Japani Oil. It seemed this concoction had definitely something to do with restoring the electrical charges of battered male batteries. Maybe the man and the woman in the picture weren’t afterall exhausted from doing the laundry. It was an exciting discovery of course, which needed independent verification. I contacted the Japan Information Centre of the Embassy of Japan, for help. Here’s the email I wrote to them (I’m not kidding. I actually wrote a mail to the embassy!)
Please direct this email to appropriate authorities from the scientific community
I am extremely pleased to draw your kind attention to a famous product from the Land of Japan with the glorious name of ‘JAPANI OIL’. This truly magnificent gift from the highly intelligent Japs is reported to be available world wide. It is believed to possess magical medicinal properties, particularly related to the quick and effective cure of all those shameful and unmentionable problems which many human males silently face before the important and private moment of family reproduction. I wish to thank the scientific community of the Land of Japan profusely for formulating this product, thereby rescuing the worldwide human male population from gross humiliation and shame before and after legal marriage. Not only does this glorious product promise to re-infuse the petroleum of passion into exhausted human male life engines, this also will go a long way in applying the liniment of healing in broken up marriages, and restoring the faith in happy and healthy family life.
I am so impressed by this product that I want to know about the wonderful Japani Oil in detail. I sincerely request you to find me an authority to whom I may address the following questions and quench my thirst for scientific knowledge. My general questions are as stated under.
- Who was the great scientist who first invented Japani Oil?
- Is it an ancient formula? If yes, where was it buried?
- What is Japani Oil made of?
- Is it vegetarian or nonvegetarian? Is it like Cod Oil which is made of Cod liver?
- How does Japani Oil benefit the human male body parts?
- Was Japani Oil tested on any other animal before human use? What happened to that animal?
- Can Japani Oil be used for cooking?
- Can Japani Oil be applied to the head for stimulating gorgeous growth of human male hair?
- Can other noisy machines (table fans, old scooters etc) be lubricated with Japani Oil?
- Does Japani Oil catch fire during friction?
- Can Japani Oil be frozen or made into a candle?
- Is it true that some foreign scientists are trying to copy the formula and make ‘Chini Oil?
- How to remove Japani Oil stain from shirt?
- Is accidental or intentional ingestion of Japani Oil harmful?
- Can Japani Oil be used as purgative (like castor oil)?
- Are there any clinical trials going on in the Land of Japan on Japani Oil?
- Can Japani Oil be poured in ear to cure earache, or applied to tooth for curing toothache?
- Can Japani Oil cure piles?
- Can Bengali men rub Japani Oil on their bodies before taking a bath?
- Do Somali pirates look for tankers carrying Japani Oil?
My very sincere thanks. I hope you shall be very kind to reply.
Day 3 came as a minor setback for my brave efforts. The Japanese Embassy guys, probably shaken by the illicit discovery of an inflammable oil, and further stirred by my questionnaire, proceeded to disqualify my genuine request as spam. I always suspected the Japs of having a bad habit of dusting away uncomfortable things under the rug. This was proof!
But hey! My efforts are indefatiguable, my appetite for knowledge, insatiable, and above all, my spirit, indomitable. I may not have gained much by means of erudition, but the wisdom gained is worth its weight in Japani oil.
In one of my next posts, I shall endeavour to find appropriate answers to the questions posted above. As of now I conclude with the resolve to bring the naked truth behind Japani Oil out in the open soon