Before you read further, you’re urged to read the prologue.
We were allotted seats from D3 to D6 and there was considerable discussion as to how we should accommodate ourselves without ruffling each others feathers. Since Faddu and myself hardly had any (feathers, I mean, and we were ready to remove our shirts and show it), we were gleefully open to all possible combinations wherein each of us would have the pleasure of sitting with a pretty lady by our side. But, in an act of extreme unkindness and with total disregard for sentiments, Dimpy selected D5 for herself and D6 for Susie. Naturally, the question now arose as to who would have the privilege of sitting on D4. Soon Faddu and I developed quite a handful of feathers, and had a heated arguement for sometime which lead us nowhere, not even the staircase.
The issue was still unresolved when we entered the dark hall holding each other by the tail. Since I was leading the pack, I had no tail to hold on to (that IS a problem with leaders everywhere). Consequentially, I hobbled along blindly like Paresh Rawal in black goggles. Also, I had no idea who was holding mine (tail, that is), but whosoever it was, he or she appeared to be holding it with a firm resolve to yank it off. We waded through murmurs of disquiet and at least three loud hoots before we finally reached the D row and tumbled over the chairs. There was no other way but to surrender to the law of natural selection of seats as ordained by Darwin hundreds of years ago! The seating problem seemed to resolve by itself in a most amicable manner.
It took us a few minutes to catch our brea breaths. The screen lit up with Akshay Kumar’s muscular presence against a backdrop of Hollywood’s Universal Studios. A farcical marriage was being solemnised. Aftab Shivdasani and Amrita Arora were trying to steal a smooch when suddenly Kareena entered the scene.
“Bobo!” Susie exclaimed loudly and happily.
“Sshhh!” I nudged her.
“But saar, I really like Bobo…”
“Suseee….she’s Bebo…not Bobo! B-E-B-O. Bebo. Do you get my point? Bobo is altogether different…” I whispered. Susie’s knowledge of Mallu heroines was enviable. But whereas she would remember such exotic names as Kaviyoor Ponnamma and Samvrutha Sunil immaculately, she screwed up on Bebo. What a disgrace! I tried to concentrate on the movie.
Akshay Kumar, as Dimpy and Susie found out, happens to be a rich, hot and lonely stuntman who lives in a large condom condomium by the seaside and regularly seeks solace in the arms of Hollywood’s naked beaches. He seems to have a pathological aversion to any kind of commitment and regards women as omens of downfall. He has a cute kid brother, Aftab Shivdasani, who looks as if he missed his puberty by a mile and grew straight into a lump of bloated flesh and sinew minus the balls. Akshay Kumar’s job is to rescue people from sliding trucks and burning trains on the sets, which he does in a matter of fact way, earning the accolades of poorly paid hollywood actors like Brandon Routh, Holly Valance and Denise Richards in the process. Denise lives in the swimming pool and wants to play with Akshay’s wraps herself around Akshay at every available opportunity. She also wants to have golden Punjabi babies with him, something which Akshay eyes with deep skepticism. Like all other Indians, Akshay Kumar grew up eating tonnes of Golden Bread, and knows that after all, it is made up of brown wheat only. But he doesn’t say this to Denise as he fears Denise might hand him the golden mitten.
Bebo, on the other leg hand, is a trainee surgeon. Aaaa-hahahahaha…. HAHAHAHAHAHA Lol! Lol! Lol! har har har har!! O hohohohohohohoho!!
Oops…got carried away….
Well, as I said, Bebo is a trainee surgeon. She models for international lingeries, travels only business class, drives a Volkswagan Beetle and gambols around in stillettoes and in the most revealing of micro minis. She wears a bracelet (gifted to her by her NRI aunty Kiron Kher) with a queer looking watch that emits earth shaking chants of ‘Manglam-Manglam’ loud enough to waggle the foundations of the Empire State Building. She cannot tolerate men and equates them with dog poop.
Akshay gets conked at a freak accident and lands up on the operation table. Bebo gets her first surgery. A simple case of intestinal perforation.
Susie nudged me sharply below the ribcage.
“Intestinal perforation saar? Easy case saar?”
Susie’s eyes were popping out in disbslief. “Saar…she is paying no attention to OT manners saar! She is touching her face with the sterile gloves…and she has not removed her bracelet ….is she a surgeon or a joke saar ?”
“Susie….the whole thing is a joke” I told her. “Now keep quiet”
Susie adjusted her big pair of specs and sank back into her seat. Amrita Arora threw one more piece of bodice into the air.
To be continued