Kambakkht Ishq – The Pain Begins

Before you read further, you’re urged to read the prologue.

We were allotted seats from D3 to D6 and there was considerable discussion as to how we should accommodate ourselves without ruffling each others feathers. Since Faddu and myself hardly had any (feathers, I mean, and we were ready to remove our shirts and show it), we were gleefully open to all possible combinations wherein each of us would have the pleasure of sitting with a pretty lady by our side. But, in an act of extreme unkindness and with total disregard for sentiments, Dimpy selected D5 for herself and D6 for Susie. Naturally, the question now arose as to who would have the privilege of sitting on D4.  Soon Faddu and I developed quite a handful of feathers, and had a heated arguement for sometime which lead us nowhere, not even the staircase.

The issue was still unresolved when we entered the dark hall holding each other by the tail.  Since I was leading the pack, I had no tail to hold on to (that IS a problem with leaders everywhere). Consequentially, I hobbled along blindly like Paresh Rawal in black goggles.  Also, I had no idea who was holding mine (tail, that is), but whosoever it was, he or she appeared to be holding it with a firm resolve to yank it off. We waded through murmurs of disquiet and at least three loud hoots before we finally reached the D row and tumbled over the chairs. There was no other way but to surrender to the law of natural selection of seats as ordained by Darwin hundreds of years ago! The seating problem seemed to resolve by itself in a most amicable manner.

seats

It took us a few minutes to catch our brea breaths. The screen lit up with Akshay Kumar’s muscular presence against a backdrop of Hollywood’s Universal Studios. A farcical marriage was being solemnised.  Aftab Shivdasani and Amrita Arora were trying to steal a smooch when suddenly Kareena entered the scene.

“Bobo!” Susie exclaimed loudly and happily.

“Sshhh!” I nudged her.

“But saar, I really like Bobo…”

“Suseee….she’s Bebo…not Bobo! B-E-B-O. Bebo. Do you get my point? Bobo is altogether different…” I whispered. Susie’s knowledge of Mallu heroines was enviable. But whereas she would remember such exotic names as Kaviyoor Ponnamma and Samvrutha Sunil immaculately, she screwed up on Bebo. What a disgrace! I tried to concentrate on the movie.

Akshay Kumar, as Dimpy and Susie found out, happens to be a rich, hot and lonely stuntman who lives in a large condom condomium by the seaside and regularly seeks solace in the arms of Hollywood’s naked beaches. He seems to have a pathological aversion to any kind of commitment and regards women as omens of downfall. He has a cute kid brother, Aftab Shivdasani, who looks as if he missed his puberty by a mile and grew straight into a lump of bloated flesh and sinew minus the balls. Akshay Kumar’s job is to rescue people from sliding trucks and burning trains on the sets, which he does in a matter of fact way, earning the accolades of poorly paid hollywood actors like Brandon Routh, Holly Valance and Denise Richards in the process. Denise lives in the swimming pool and wants to play with Akshay’s wraps herself around Akshay at every available opportunity. She also wants to have golden Punjabi babies with him, something which Akshay eyes with deep skepticism. Like all other Indians, Akshay Kumar grew up eating tonnes of Golden Bread, and knows that after all, it is made up of brown wheat only. But he doesn’t say this to Denise as he fears Denise might hand him the golden mitten.

Bebo, on the other leg hand, is a trainee surgeon. Aaaa-hahahahaha…. HAHAHAHAHAHA Lol! Lol! Lol! har har har har!! O hohohohohohohoho!!

Oops…got carried away….

Well, as I said, Bebo is a trainee surgeon. She models for international lingeries, travels only business class, drives a Volkswagan Beetle and gambols around in stillettoes and in the most revealing of micro minis. She wears a bracelet (gifted to her by her NRI aunty Kiron Kher) with a queer looking watch that emits earth shaking chants of ‘Manglam-Manglam’ loud enough to waggle the foundations of the Empire State Building.  She cannot tolerate men and equates them with dog poop.

Akshay gets conked at a freak accident and lands up on the operation table. Bebo gets her first surgery. A simple case of intestinal perforation.

Susie nudged me sharply below the ribcage.

“Saar…”

“Ei! What?”

“Intestinal perforation saar? Easy case saar?”

“Sshhh!”

Susie’s eyes were popping out in disbslief. “Saar…she is paying no attention to OT manners saar! She is touching her face with the sterile gloves…and she has not removed her bracelet ….is she a surgeon or a joke saar ?”

“Susie….the whole thing is a joke” I told her. “Now keep quiet”

Susie adjusted her big pair of specs and sank back into her seat. Amrita Arora threw one more piece of bodice into the air.

To be continued

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18 Comments on this article. Feel free to join this conversation.

  1. Shanu July 8, 2009 at 12:17 am -

    Lol..dont tell me u watched KI…Ewwwww!!

    but loved the post..waitin for the next part

    RI: Welcome Fullon 🙂 Yes I did watch KI. You too, I suppose 🙂
    Thanks for visiting.

    • Shanu July 12, 2009 at 11:21 am -

      Naah ..i didnt.I have a super power. I can judge the fate of a movie just by its trailers. And the great me had proclaimed that KI will fail miserably and will be one of the worst movies of this yr. And it did..didnt it 🙂

      Rofl Indian: I bow to your talent lady 🙂 No matter what the cast is saying, KI is as dead as the dodo.

  2. Spike July 8, 2009 at 1:53 am -

    ha ha ha …. this was like Matrix revolutions – the movie that bridged the gap between the 1st and 3rd one :-))

    RI: Matrix III screwed up a bit. Let’s see how this pans out 😉

  3. roflTamilian July 8, 2009 at 10:52 am -

    “Bebo, on the other leg hand, is a trainee surgeon. Aaaa-hahahahaha…. HAHAHAHAHAHA Lol! Lol! Lol! har har har har!! O hohohohohohohoho!!”

    Precisely my expression when I first read the story 😀

    BTW what was Dimpys reaction on that surgery? I am sure you must be evesdropping 😉

    RI: RT! I’m sorry I could’nt control my awkward laughter 🙂 Dimpy’s reaction shall be known in the IIIrd part 🙂 She seemed to enjoy Faddu’s company…or so it looked!

  4. ~uh~™ July 8, 2009 at 11:06 am -

    This is going to be a cult series.
    Thanks to the people who made the film, we are blessed with such motley gathering from various strata of medical profession to dissect and present us the post mortem (considering the movie is dead)report.
    The diagram really helped to understand the seating arrangement.
    From other reviewers I have learnt about
    the B word uttered bitch bitch mein by Bebo, the bum-per mini’s, the golden offspring proposition and the ramp walking surgeon.
    ‘Aftab Shivdasani, who looks as if he missed his puberty by a mile and grew straight into a lump of bloated flesh and sinew minus the balls.’
    and
    ‘Denise lives in the swimming pool ‘
    are provocative statements and i am having this huge urge to watch this masterpiece of a film, before i retire in an asylum………

    RI: Trust you to come up with a detailed comment that sums up nearly everything. This is a movie most suited for your exemplary massacring skills and it would be a great disservice to us if we are not treated to a healthy discourse on the subject from you.
    Chot pot dekhe felo, before there is any more provocation 😉
    The B word was liberally used by Akshay to describe the physical characteristics of Bebo. Bebo stuck only to the D word.

    • ~uh~™ July 9, 2009 at 5:36 pm -

      I discovered that I had written a half-fried review after watching another gem called ‘Tashan’ where two of the main protagonist of KI was present. I have warmed it up served hot :p
      Right now am intoxicated with Sankat City hangover.
      Ichhe thakleo upai nei dekhar apatoto 🙁

      RI: Let the hangover remain for some time…until there’s an opportunity for another intoxicating sip! 😉

  5. Ms Taggart July 8, 2009 at 4:07 pm -

    I love what you said about Aftab! How true!

    And soo sad you didnt get to sit between the ladies.. No idea about your better time, but it would have made for a better post, you see! 🙂

    Btw, you are a Doc, who writes? Man! I am attracted to this blog now! 🙂

    RI: It looks you hold the same opinion of Aftab 😉
    I intend to change my seat cleverly during the interval, you see 😀
    Thanks for visiting.

  6. Jayaraman July 8, 2009 at 5:11 pm -

    Boss,I want to cry on your shoulder in private. Do not worry I am not going to take help of Delhi HC judgment. Send me a mail at jaiseeker at gmail.

    RI: Welcome Jayaraman. You had me quivering down to my tail with your request 😀 I’ve complied though 🙂

  7. le embrouille blogueur July 8, 2009 at 5:57 pm -

    I am sure if they made a moview out of your review … that would have sat better with the intellectual kind than the movie …..lol !!!

    RI: Lol!

  8. couchpapaya July 8, 2009 at 6:34 pm -

    god ur cruel to keep us waiting like this!!! and loved the hair styles on the seating arrangement pic 😀 loved the post too tho that goes without saying!

    RI: Hair styles? My hair style? Lol!
    Part III shall be released soon 🙂

  9. amit July 8, 2009 at 8:50 pm -

    Please tell me that Bobo did not drop her watch/bracelet/whatever in Akshay’s stomach while operating on him. I’ll kill myself by banging my head on the wall.

    RI: Well Amit, there are no walls standing anywhere anymore 🙂 Sigh!

  10. Ms Taggart July 9, 2009 at 3:09 pm -

    Oh yes.. in addition to that, I also think Aftab is gay!
    And please post the next episode.
    Your fans demand it! 😀 😛

    RI: Gay! OMG! 😮

  11. Amrita~ams July 9, 2009 at 5:24 pm -

    heheeh…i hv not seen the movie..but other said..it was horrible :|….
    they shud better check ur blog…:D..
    u dont have a single hair??:O

    RI: Hahahahaha! What a wicked question! 🙂
    Thanks for a great comment…and some fabulous observation!
    I’d say the pic is an exaggeration 😉

  12. Ekta khetan July 9, 2009 at 8:32 pm -

    Cool, tongue-in-cheek and absolute cheesy humor!!
    Eagerly waiting for the next part!!!
    Keep writing!!!

    RI: Welcome to my blog Ekta. And thanks for the compliment 🙂

  13. witsnnuts July 10, 2009 at 1:48 pm -

    Ha ha, stupid film-makers have screwed up the original script.
    In the original, the heroine is a full-time doctor & no supermodel. The original was hilarious to the core.
    So hilarious that, the audience forgets the illogical act of stitching a stomach with a watch inside.
    Waiting for the next part.
    Cheers 😀

    RI: The supermodel saga was probably added with an eye to cash in on Bebo’s (non existent) oomph. What a painful mess they have made of the whole thing!

  14. kritika July 17, 2009 at 1:05 pm -

    waiting for part II
    waiting for part II
    waiting for part II…..
    Was Kareena blowing spit bubbles when they were teaching OT eitquette and protocol in her fictitiois Med School?!
    At least Sooosie cudve taken a lecture….
    And the pseudo mantra chanting watch…something that tacky cannot possibly deserve to lodge in the intestinal cavities of any living being on the planet leave alone the Demi God, Akshay Kumar!!!

    RI: LOL! Good to see you here Kri. Mebbe Bebo was too busy measuring John Rambo’s biceps size!

  15. Shanu July 17, 2009 at 11:42 pm -

    Where is part 2?? Aur kitna intezaar!!

    RI: Posted 🙂