Natural Born Kissers

This post was written earlier and was originally published elsewhere. The issue may have lost a bit of the original relevance, yet the flavour is, perhaps, still preserved.


PhilematologyThe science of kissing

Emraan HashmiProfessor of Philematology at the University of Kissachusetts

BimbettesA class of exceptionally talented babes who are in the course of evolving into Brilliant Bimbos, an exciting process which involves shedding of almost all outer coverings (clothes) except perhaps those which are…well, you know….


I know who is he aiming this at…

Prologue: After much massaging of pure Engine brand mustard oil on the scalp, and after absent mindedly pulling off a few precious strands of hair, Rofl Indian has finally reached the incontrovertible conclusion that very few people on this earth are endowed with such auspicious charms as is the uncrowned snake charmer Prince charming of Bollywood – the one and only Emraan Haashmi. It has not failed RI’s keen observation that this ‘mother of all dudes’ has been spraying smooches with gay abandon, enthralling his heroines and audiences alike with his deadly drool. Ever since he flapped his wings merrily in unison with a maddeningly sexy Mallika  in Murder, Emraan Hashmi has been on a roll, rolling his eyes and his tongue inside and at a number of dermatologically exposed heroines until…


Reverse Gere

….until the Emperor (Penguin) struck back. A nondescript horror of Hollywood, well past his prime, by the name of Rich Hard Gere whisked off our charming princess Shilpa (of Big Brotherly fame) right under our noses and plundered her pouting possessions in full public view. As Shilpa bent backwards to accommodate Gere’s libidinous lunge, the nation groaned in collective backache. Ouch! First the World Cup loss…then this! RI could not but break into poetry……(which he heard on some FM channel and which he is itching to share with you now)

Arz kiya hai….

Hey! Its not arse kiya hai….it is Arz kiya hai….

Arz kiya hai….gour farmaiye…

Ke hum haarey apni galti se, Auron me kya dum thaa…..

Aur Shilpa tujhe kisi Gair (Gere) ne kaise chooma, Apna Haashmi kya kum tha

So the nation commiserated with a crestfallen Hashmi. His loss was the nation’s loss. So disconsolate was he that according to reliable rumours, he stopped doing anything at all with his lips, let alone  allow any bimbette to tinker with his twangs, considering them as useless appendages that had lost their divine purpose. For someone with an enviable score of having smoochofied at least a dozen contemporary heroines, this was a terrible nightmare. Rofl Indian (who incidentally has failed until now to watch a single Emraan Hashmi movie for the full duration) did some research on the internet to arrive at a list of the many hoochie poochies kissed by Hashmi. ‘The Lustrous List’ includes such devastating divas as Mallika Sherawat (Murder), Dia Mirza (Tumsa Nahin Dekha), Udita Goswami (Zeher, Aksar), Tanushree Dutta (Aashiq Banaya Aapne, Chocolate), Kangana Ranaut (Gangster), and Celina Jaitley (Jawani Diwani). By the way, all of them dress very very economically, more so in these recession hit days. And more importantly, as all are endowed such lavishly with overflowing booty-tooties, that a mere glimpse sends the nation’s heart yodeling like an erratic ghanta-ghar (clock tower).


Hoochie poochies with the booty tooties

Now, as RI is aware that the list of heroines is hopelessly incomplete, he urges the readers to update it so that ‘The List’ could be preserved for enlightening the posterity (carelessly translated, it might mean throwing light on the posterior, an undoubtedly offensive act). The potential candidates who could find their names in the list include Nisha Kothari, Geeta Basra, Hrishita Bhatt and Sonal Chauhan- new bimbettes on the block!


New Bimbettes on the Block

RI’s next area of research focussed on the secrets behind Emraan’s awesome boyish charm. His suave looks reinforce the fact that man has indeed descended from a swarm of pouty lipped apes. His kiss engine is reputed to burn an astounding 260 calories per minute, which is 10 times the average value for mere mortals like us. And we thought he goes to the gym! He has avoided growing a moustache as he is aware that it’s illegal in Indiana for a moustached man to “habitually kiss human beings”. It’s another matter that he read India for Indiana. And though RI finds Emraan’s abhorrence of moustache a miserable indignity perpetrated upon males as a whole, it’s the compliance that is commendable. Also, he rarely falls ill or meets with accidents because of the simple fact that he is a prolific kisser, and hence a beneficiary of all the good effects of this quixotic act.  To quote an original research According to German scientists, those who kiss their spouses each morning before leaving for work miss less work because of illness than those who do not. Those who kiss also drive less erratically, have fewer auto accidents on the way to work, earn 20-30 percent more per month and live approximately five years longer.

RI’s third area of research dealt with the records which Emraan should hope to smash in the days and years to come. With a charisma matching that of the legendary Imraan Khan (who used to swing his balls with chilling effect*) our man Hashmi should have at least one eye on the following:

Longest kiss – 29 hours. Peanuts for this Kissing King provided he gets the right bimbette with whom he can stick around and vibrate that long.

Longest underwater kiss – 2 minutes and 18 seconds. Sure Haashmi needs some practice in holding his breast breath first. A session with Raakhi Sawant is likely to do him a world of good. Raakhi, as RI  finds, can make men hold on to really anything, least of all their breaths.

Most kisses in a single movie – 127 in the movie “Don Juan” (1927). Mary Astor and Estelle Taylor got all of those kisses from John Barrymore. All we need is a fiercely enterprising producer, with a degree from the University of Kissachussettes.

Longest movie kiss – 3 minutes and 5 seconds between Jane Wyman and Regis Tommey in “You’re in the Army Now” (1941). What ho. Sheer nonsense. Our man can do it really long and hard. Just give the ol’ boy a fair chance!

RI, finally, made this startling discovery that kissing originated in our own backyard. First references to kissing have been recorded in our very own Vedic scriptures (1500 BC). By God. Our ancestors were hip! As TOI reportsForget the simple zero, it seems the sizzling smooch is actually Hindustan’s greatest contribution to the world!” So what Emraan Haashmi is doing is nothing but an immense effort to celebrate our illustrious past. RI, therefore, urges Haashmi to forget Shilpa Shetty’s indiscretion and wishes him a great smooching future.

Remember – A good kiss boosts your self esteem; a lousy kiss just boots it!

* The comment on Imran Khan has been inspired from Paresh Rawal’s comment in Chini Kum

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9 Comments on this article. Feel free to join this conversation.

  1. ~uh~™ April 27, 2009 at 10:56 am -

    Looks like you did edit the old post quite a lot !

    Unfortunately, the ‘serial kisser’ is trying a makeover and has’nt seen kissing in his latest ‘ Raaz – the Mystery continues’.

    What a loss of industry, all we have is kiss-miss, the juicy grapes are dried up !

    I would like to add Sayali Bhagat in his list of bimbo from ‘The Train: Some Lines Should Never Be Crossed’.


    • Rofl Indian April 27, 2009 at 11:14 am -

      Yes, thats true. Make-out to make-over…? Interesting
      Recession in kiss-session..? 😀

  2. eye-in-sty-in April 30, 2009 at 4:15 am -

    25 spam comments were blocked by a-kis-met on ur blog! Interesting data on the longest and most kisses. Well researched indeed!

    • Rofl Indian April 30, 2009 at 11:41 pm -

      A kiss of death for the spam! 🙂

  3. Reva April 30, 2009 at 9:56 pm -

    However u bnever told us till the end if it was French or Yugoslav – The kiss!! 😀

    • Rofl Indian April 30, 2009 at 11:44 pm -

      I’ go with French. You-go-slav if you wish 😀 ! Moreover, it goes well with French wine, French fries and even a French beard. Have you ever heard of Yugoslav wine or Yugoslav fries? 😀

    • Zorro3 May 2, 2011 at 8:03 am -

      Ah, Fyvish Finkel!

  4. nursemyra May 30, 2009 at 5:13 am -

    the images you’ve used prove yet again that Indian women are the most beautiful in the world

    • Rofl Indian May 30, 2009 at 7:33 pm -

      Thanks Nursemyra for the unequivocal praise. I really appreciate it 🙂