The Afterlife

Tarachand Lahoti was just like any other 50 year old. As a sugar merchant who was in the business for the last thirty years, Tarachand had built up a small fortune for himself. Not that his clothes, demeanour or dwelling reflected it manifestly, nonetheless, he was assured that all the modest requirements in his life were well provided for. He took particular care of his health, or so he thought, establishing a routine to visit the local doctor regularly who sanctimoniously checked his pulse and recorded his blood pressure, and proclaimed him to be in the pink of his health, in as few words as possible, after pocketing a hundred rupee note that Tarachand offered him with unqualified reverence.

That evening, Tarachand just didn’t feel right. He couldn’t put his finger on where the ailment lay, but he was convinced that not everything in his body was working as efficiently as it had been for the past many years. It was a vague uneasiness that gave him a mild headache and took away his appetite. Could be a bout of gas, he reflected, as his wife brought him his dinner. Three chappatis, a bowl each of dal and vegetable curry, and a teaspoon of his favourite lime pickle. He ate just one chappati, and a few sips of the dal. The rest, he pushed away, nauseous and wary. Then the pain came. It began just after he had ambled off to the wash basin to wash his hands. The dull ache that seemed to originate in the pit of his stomach gradually worsened into a vague, uncomfortable heaviness that enveloped his entire chest. Tarachand vomited once, and felt better.

“Let’s go to the doctor”, his anxious wife suggested, picking up the phone.

“Aaah!”, Tarachand protested, wiping off beads of perspiration from his forehead with his shirt sleeve, “why bother him so late in the night? I’m fine”

His wife would have none of it. She spoke to Dr. Verma, who urged her to reach a nearby nursing home. He’d examine him there, he told her. An autorickshaw was summoned, and soon Tarachand found himself lying on a funny looking stretcher in the Emergency Room of the nondescript WellCure Nursing Home.

Eloquence was not a virtue that Dr. Verma was bestowed with. During his brief visit, he spoke only twice. Once, when he demanded his modest fees of five hundred rupees the instant he entered the room, and then a couple of minutes later, when he handed Tarachand’s wife a lengthy prescription. “Admitting him…severe acidity”, and throwing a brief glance at the rather stern faced nurse, “sister, tomorrow morning….tests.” Tarachands wife wanted to throw a question or two at him, but decided against, trusting the sagacity of Dr. Verma to relieve her husband’s agony.

Dr. Verma left as purposefully as he had arrived. Tarachand was shifted to an adjacent room which bore the letters ‘D lux Ward’. The ‘e’, it appeared, had jumped off plate and escaped long ago. The nurse, then, happily set about perforating Tarachand’s veins one after the other in an attempt to set up an intravenous line. Half an hour later, she let go, registering her success with a final needle jab on Tarachand’s aggrieved buttocks. “Go to sleep”, she demanded of the patient and exited the ward, flicking off the lights and bidding his wife not to disturb her at any cost during the night.

In the dull red glow of the night light, Tarachand could hardly make out the details of the room. There were three cots, with him occupying the one closest to the door. His wife sat on a wooden bench kept between the first and the second cots. In the melee of the past hour, she had forgotten to eat her dinner, and now she was exhausted, more sleepy than hungry. Next to the bench stood a small wooden cabinet. It was unlocked, and the doors were left a little ajar. A queasy smell of disinfectant hung in the room. The overhead fan screeched monotonously and the dark heavy curtains on the window at the farthest corner quivered every now and then as if gently shaken by an unseen force. Though the dull ache had subsided, the gloomy atmosphere within the room left Tarachand ill at ease. Thinking of his son, an engineer who was posted at a distant city, Tarachand fell asleep.

In the middle of the night, Tarachand woke up with a start. A monstrous, crushing pain engulfed his entire chest, and flowed across to his left arm, numbing his entire upper torso. In a wave of insane panic, Tarachand realised that he was unable to cry out, his voice throttled by the searing agony that appeared to squeeze his lungs into a lump of dough. He instantly knew he was going to die. As his consciousness began to wane, a sinking sensation gripped him that forbade him that the end was near.

That was when he heard a deep, husky voice floating up to him in the darkness of the room. “Get up, hey, get up!”

With a punishing effort, Tarachand turned to face his interlocutor. His wife was nowhere to be seen, and his gaze fell upon the huddling frame of an old man who was sitting on the adjacent cot. Despite his excruciating torment, Tarachand startled. He hadn’t seen this man when he was brought to this room. Must have been admitted later in the night, he thought.

The old man now looked directly at him, raised his wiry hand and pointed a finger at his direction. “Get up, yes…you…”

Tarachand was wet with perspiration. What sort of a joke was this? There he lay, possibly dying, and the old coot, instead of summoning help, was ordering him around!

With a painful grunt, Tarachand implored in a feeble voice “Help….please. Call my wife…please….I am dying…..”

The fan made a sudden screeching sound as a gush of midnight air rushed into the room, making the curtains flutter wildly. The old man appeared to shift on the bed, and lunging towards the wooden cabinet, he spoke again in a steely sort of voice “See…I am too old to move about. Get up and get that pill on the upper shelf of the cabinet. Get it fast….”

Tarachand could not comprehend what was happening. Possibly this man knew where the sister had kept his medicines, and was only trying to help. He tried to get up. The agonising throes of pain wrung his heart relentlessly, and his head seemed to swim in a vacuum.

“Get up..quick….the bottle on the top shelf…take it now….” The old man’s voice was devoid of every shred of emotion.

Tarachand summoned all his strength and sat up on his bed. He immediately clutched his heart. “Aaaaaahh!”

The man seemed to move closer. A sudden gush of air slapped Tarachand into momentary consciousness. The man’s voice was ringing in his ears “…the bottle on the top shelf…” Tarachand reached for the wooden cabinet, but crashed to the floor in a thud. He was choking. The breath was now coming only in gasps. Then he heard something fall. A small plastic bottle fell close to him. He reached out and grasped it instantaneously.

As Tarachand lay on the floor, he thought he saw the old man’s face hovering above him. “Open the bottle, Tarachand….” he spoke clearly, almost in a whisper.

With a violent last effort, Tarachand uncapped the bottle, emptied the contents on the floor and grasped a few of the tiny white pills. But before he could pop them, his face contorted and his eyeballs gauged out as he suffered a massive heart attack. Tarachand gasped and passed out.

********

Two days later.

Tarachand opened his eyes. He found himself in an ICU, with countless monitors beeping around him. There were scores of tubes and catheters jutting out from all parts of his body. His chest was tightly bandaged. Oh God! He was alive, he thought.

His wife was allowed in a couple of hours later. She cried hard for sometime. When she left, his son was allowed in. Tarachand’s eyes turned moist. “Cheer up Papa. You won the battle!”

Tarachand’s eyes wandered across the ICU. His son continued “Ma saw you lying on the floor. She was sleeping outside on a bench as she found the room dark and unpleasant. There was a bottle in your hand, and pills were scattered all around you. There were even a few in your mouth…”

Tarachand felt a lump rising in his throat. His son continued, “Ma raised an alarm. The hospital people arranged an ambulance and you were brought here. The doctors did a bypass operation in the night itself.”

“Papa, what you did was a miracle”, The son patted his arm lovingly. “The doctors here are full of praise for you. You did the right thing by popping those sorbitrate pills. How did you know those were there papa?”

Tarachand grappled with his thoughts, trying to remember the events on that fateful day. Then, suddenly, everything flashed in his mind like a lightning. The old man, the dark windy ward, the excruciating agony of a failing heart. He remembered falling on the floor and uncapping the bottle, but he failed to recall if he had put those pills in his mouth.

Tarachand was breathing heavily. A chill ran down his spine. Haltingly, he whispered, “…the old man…”

“Yes…yes….I know” his son nodded. “Dr. Verma told me all. That bottle belonged to an old man who died in the same ward a couple of days ago. When his body was taken away, the relatives perhaps left the bottle in the cabinet.”



50 Funny Tweets

A collection of 50 funny tweets posted by RoflIndian (yours truly) in Nov. & Dec 2010.

  1. #InSomalia They serve Kentucky Afraid Chicken.
  2. Jacques Kallis, Bappi Lahiri & Adnan Sami have been the greatest all rounders since the past 20 years. Adnan has lost his form of late.
  3. Shoppers Stop is a stop where top shoppers stop to shop.
  4. Girls gorging on junk food and cola would end up ruining their waste to heap ratios.
  5. The social ladder is a ladder one can climb without having to remove the stilettos
  6. As you sow, social you reap
  7. What do you call the Chief Statistician of the Family Planning Programme? Interpreter of Mala Ds
  8. Every time Wen Jiabaos, does Manmohan Singh have to bow too?
  9. What would you call a Japanese godman with magical powers? Bon-Sai Baba
  10. Avoid too much of junk food. Your stomach isn’t a place to stow-muck.
  11. Girls looking for jobs are candidates in the morning and candy dates in the evening
  12. The relationship between a cow, cow’s urine and a naturalist is explained by Pytha GORAS Theorem
  13. The best meat dish in China – Dragon Josh
  14. The only way Mark Zuckerberg can get seriously injured is if Rajinikanth pokes him on Facebook
  15. If Bobby Deol’s career doesn’t soar after Yamla Pagla Deewana, he can change his name to Lobby Deol and become a successful PR lobbyist
  16. In Bollywood, there are many ‘Couching’ Tigers and hidden dragons.
  17. How many corporate lobbyists does it take to change the light bulb? Actually none. They don’t want people to see the light!
  18. What do Garry Kasparov’s aides do when he faints upon losing to Anand? They carry gasp-arov.
  19. #WhyWomenFallForShane Because he turns it bothways and occasionally lets one slip through.
  20. Diggy Singh – “A woman chief minister called me up today and vehemently claimed that Sheila ki Jawani was based on her life!” #diggyleaks
  21. 800 new Radia tapes? How much Radia-activity did she spread?
  22. Who says women are discriminated against in work places. Don’t BPO jobs for women come with a lot of STALK options?
  23. What is Sensex? Putting an X sign on your SENSE.
  24. Would data about stools be called scatistics?
  25. Never judge a butterfly by its looks, a book by its covers and a girl by her T shirt message.
  26. The 2G spectrum begins with shades of gray and ends in pitch black.
  27. James Bond’s status message “The girls are lovely, dark and deep. But I have appointments to keep. And miles to fly before I sleep..”
  28. Among other news, Osama bin Laden, inspired by Harry Potter movies, insists on being called the HAIRY PLOTTER henceforth.
  29. I am convinced that Salman Khan’s blockbuster movie ‘The-Bongg’ is a timeless tribute to Bengalis…
  30. On a scale of 1 to Keshto Mukherjee, I never get drunk more than Dharmender level.
  31. Having seen Jab We Met three or four times, I’m now curious to see Jab We Mate
  32. NDTV’s status message: The Buck Stops Here. Arnab’s status message at Times Now: The Bakra Stops Here
  33. What do you call beautiful Hyderabadi girls? Charmi Naari?
  34. Pamela Anderson and Ashmit are easily mistaken for Pamela And-Her-Son.
  35. An iPill a day, keeps the gynec away! #modernproverbs
  36. A Raja was last seen drowning his sorrows in a bottle of spect rum.
  37. ‘Aap QATAR mey hain-’ loosely translates to ‘You are in KU-WAIT’
  38. What do you call a lump of despair wrapped in a crust of deception? Ferrero Rocher
  39. Scams come to light when shit hits the fan. There must be a mechanism to detect shit moving towards the fan.
  40. Girls with names like Preeti Hotchandani shouldn’t complain if guys call her Pretty Hot for short.
  41. In a world where everyone wants everything lengthened, URL shorteners come as a welcome change.
  42. People living in GLOSS houses shouldn’t throw STAINS on others
  43. “Whining isn’t everything…. It’s the only thing”.
  44. Traveling in a low cost airline feels exactly like traveling in AIR FARCE ONE.
  45. Kentucky Freud Chicken is nothing but Jung food!
  46. You become bisexual once you cross sixty, i.e., you say bye to sex.
  47. The worst moment for an atheist is when he is really thankful, and has nobody to thank!
  48. The fellow who laughs last may laugh the longest, but he definitely gets the reputation of being very dumb witted
  49. Doc to Margaret Mitchell – Do you still have stomach ache? Mitchell – Nah! Gone with the wind…
  50. Whereas a well endowed woman will cause a ‘Grand Maal’ seizure in a man, a slender lass will cause a ‘Petite Maal’ seizure!

Google Chromosome!

This post appeared among Blogadda’s Spicy Saturday Picks on July 3, ’10

Doctors are not too well known for their IT skills. We guys usually eye the computer with considerable unease and are known to invent elaborate excuses to avoid even having to go near one. If I may confess, most docs confuse the word ‘laptop’ with an attractive and youthful female having pleasing attributes and large, inviting lap. I have often thought of broaching the subject with Susie over a cup of coffee and seek her honest opinion on the matter of fully loaded, higher end laptops with plenty of giga bites gigabytes, but every time some or the other thing crops up and the issue gets forgotten.

Many practitioners, though, do keep a PC in their clinics. The rich ones like our Hospital Director keep a Mac. The aim is obvious. To snare patients and con them into thinking that the doctor is cool, trendy and upwardly mobile. Casting an impression on the opposite sex is an added benefit. Still, they try their best to avoid having to use the computer, except on a those occasions when the urge to watch a pedagogic DVD or two becomes really overpowering. May I, at this juncture, make it clear that a pedagogic DVD is a piece of hardware that contains loads of ‘visually stimulating’ material that is usually sneaked in hidden among the pages of Harrison’s Textbook of Internal Medicine.   Many a doc has been caught red handed by inquisitive staff members (and vice versa), lapping up such academic videos in the privacy of his darkened chamber.  Now, a doc may be as cool as a frozen Tuborg when it comes to cutting the stomach open and playing Twenty-20 with the intestines, but when confronted with the challenge of snap shutting a browser window, a doc usually plops  into a deep kind of stupor, bordering almost on coma. Even the Statue of Liberty would appear much animated in comparison.

The aversion of doctors towards information technology is rooted in their unique professional upbringing. The MBBS course is one of the toughest trainings ever designed to screw a half dead human being. When the blokes in the engineering or commerce colleges ramble around on Pulsars and Yamahas (the older ones roamed about on Yezdis) with gorgeous babes wrapped around them from head to toe, the medical guy loses his sleep over the harrowing details of levator labii superioris alaeque nasi and its nasty relations with other such stupid muscles. While the MBA geeks swim around in espresso coffee mugs with sugary belles clinging on to them in hordes, the bachelor of medicine buries himself deep into Gray’s Anatomy and sighs in despair while trying hard to mug the anatomy of the female breasts. Poor guy, he must learn to identify the breast as a ‘modified sweat gland’ if he has to pass the Ist term exams.

It isn’t that we guys do not try to learn a thing or two about the internet and things like that. One of my colleagues was so impressed by Google that he started prescribing ‘two teaspoons of isabgoogle at night with a glass of water’ to cure constipation. Another named his son after the search giant. Google Shukla.

In light of the above revelations, it appears that the medical fraternity is in dire need of professional assistance from the IT guys. Docs would welcome a short course on ‘How to download useful video clips from the internet and store (hide) them on the hard disk’  or ‘How to set up a chat without letting the wife know’. And Google would really do well to come up with a doctor friendly internet browser. They may name it Google Chromosome!

Susie Returns

I apologise to my readers for having kept Susie off my blog for a considerable period of time.  She was indisposed for a while, you see, having contracted malaria first, and then a bit of gas, ostensibly from an overdose of medications prescribed by my dear friend Dr. Phadnis. Now she is fine, radiating from the glow of iron tonics and protein powders, that I had pilfered from the Hospital Director’s room and given away to her in an act of genuine benevolence. It’s an altogether another matter that the Director was mad the next day, he having milked the medical reps for the products in the first place, with the charitable aim to improve the general health and appearance of a certain Miss Priyanka, the hospital’s newest receptionist.

So, there she was, back in my room, sipping coffee. She closed her eyes, threw back her arms, thrust forward her large cookies (Susie was indeed having large coconut cookies with coffee, trust me) and yawned noisily. She was sitting just across the table and her carelessness allowed me to steal a quick glance deep inside her throat.  Just as I was contemplating whether to reach up to her and tickle her cute little uvula with a syringe, Susie shut her mouth abruptly.

“What saar! You ver lukking inside my mauth…?!”

“Oh! W..was I?” I quickly shifted my gaze and started drumming my fingers on the table.

“Yes saar. I saw you lukking inside me!”

Now that was a lie. I was in no way ‘looking inside her’ if you go by the strictest sense of the phrase. I agree I have briefly tried to look inside her (inside her soul, I mean) on a couple of occasions in the past, but most definitely not now. Moreover, her abrupt charge caught me in a fix. If I admitted to the act, it would risk a long session of verbal ping-pong with the nursey. If I rejected her allegations, she would invariably find other means to extract a painful confession from me. Once, despite no fault of mine, she had two of my teeth knocked out completely by a deadly combination of  thayir sadham and kappa vevichathu allegedly cooked by her humongous aunt. My only fault was that I had not informed her of an inspection by the Hospital Hardware Committee in advance, as a result of which she failed to produce two paperweights that the records showed to be in Susie’s possession. Now, Thayir sadham when mixed in roughly equal proportions with kappa vevichathu forms a deadly plastic explosive like lump that is unquestionably the sourest thing on the planet. Thank God the minions of Al Qaida are yet to discover the deadly side effects of Eliamma Aunty’s cuisine, or else they’d have unleashed a series of kappa vevichathu bombings across the world! And it was only much later that I realised that one of the anagrams of sourest is oestrus! Eliamma Aunty in oestrus…lethal indeed!

“Saar?” Susie nudged me with her eyes. “Tell me na saar…you ver lukking inside my mouth na saar?”

“Umm….yes. But just a little. I didn’t see much Susie…”

“O..ho! I was right saar!” Susie’s eyes brightened. “What did you see saar? Please tell me na…”

“I told you Susie….I didn’t see much..”

“Saar…” Susie bit her lip..”You are not being truthful….are you shy of me?”

“Why should I be shy of you? I’m not even shy of my wife!” I boasted, only to realise that the comment had gone a bit too far. A doctor ought to be of an inherently shy nature, I thought. Shyness confers a degree of immunity from locker room mishaps, something I had realised last year when three young, pretty and inquisitive OT nurses (I guess they were Julie, Rosamma and Annamma …maybe not Annamma, I’m not sure) had barged into the OT locker room while I was changing. What followed was a series of polyphonic screams from the three, followed by a melee and a mini stampede, as the three rushed out and thirty rushed in, followed by the OT incharge and a little later by the Director himself. From that day onwards,  I always pretend to be extraordinarily shy and close the locker room door tightly before even I take off my shoes. Anyway, more on that story later.

Susie was still looking at my face, perhaps expecting an admission of sorts.

“Susie, stop looking at me that way….I told you I didn’t see anything worthwhile…moreover, you look sleepy. Didn’t you catch enough sleep last night?”

“No saar…I was thinking of you saar…..” Susie laid her head on the table and said dreamily.

“What!” I suddenly felt like a brooding mother hen which had just discovered that one of her eggs had got really stuck down there. I had to fight to shut out suggestive visuals of Susie eloping with me with a tiffin carrier full of kappa vevichathu. What a scandal it would be!

“Susie….” I said firmly “…you should not think about me in the night. Er….by the way…..what were you thinking?”

“Nothing saaaaaw” Susie again broke into a noisy sigh. “I was thinking of inviting you to our house for lunch next week…..Eliamma Aunty is coming from Kerala….”

A chill ran down my spine and knocked my knees together. As Susie dozed off on my desk, I silently stood up and ran my tongue on the bare mounds of hardened gum where my two molars used to stand proudly. Nah! I had to plan a holiday to Shimla next week. You don’t get decorated with military honours for surviving Eliamma Aunty’s cuisine!

Hissss-tory in the making?

Or is it just plain Hissss-teria (hysteria)?

Shapeshifting and animal transformation are gripping themes in folklore, literature and cinema.  Satyajit Ray once seriously considered making one of his most brilliant short stories ‘Khagam’ into a tele film. [See here for the plot and here for the audio torrents]. If he’d have made it, I’m sure the makers of Phoonk would have pissed in their pants out of sheer horror. Most shapeshifting dramas in Indian cinema (Nagin, Nagina) have been droll yet commercially successful attempts to cash in on a popular mythological theme, wherein a (widowed) snake woman cuts loose and unleashes a reign of revenge and terror on a motley group of spiteful crooks. Agreed, the technical accomplishments of the 70s and 80s were limited to making a few outlandish efforts of showing snake-human transformation. Why, there was even a ‘Pyasi Nagin’ spoof (shudder) in between! But with the advent of cutting edge SFX and computer generated imagery in today’s era, expectations are bound to be high. So when Jennifer Lynch announced her intent to shoot Naagin (Hissss) with the amply talented (ample and talented?) Miss Mallika Sherawat in the lead, it caused an explosive arousal of platonic interest in the plot. And now that the trailer is out, with a writhing and wriggling Ms Sherawat climbing lamp posts and vying for undivided attention amidst a lot of blood, gore and dripping tropical jungles, the wait is becoming more and more unbearable by the day. Hope the Lynch-Sherawat combo delivers.

 

Kite-us Interruptus

This post was first published on PFC.

Kya audience ullu ka pattha hai?

This question should spring to your mind if you are an accomplished Chinese cook but haven’t cooked a Peking Duck in the last three years. Actually, you should hope your duck doesn’t get burnt on an overheated grill, which the enthusiastic foreman turned to the maximum just as a wild experiment. For Hrithik Roshan, I’m afraid I get the same creepy feeling, and humbly offer to empathize with him in the event the goose of Kites does get charred by the next week.

Having merrily ‘Murder’ed a ‘Gangster’, Anurag Basu was living a comfortable ‘Life In A ….Metro’ before Rakesh Roshan pounced on him for  directing Kites in New Mexico, Las Vegas and Los Angeles. Naturally, the expectations from the duo were high given Roshan’s penchant for unconventional storylines (KNPH, Krrish) and Basu’s stark way of storytelling. Moreover, Indian audiences do not often get to see gorgeous ‘phoren mahilas’ in lead roles, therefore the babe quotient was intact too. But there was the catch! Haven’t we seen Basu’s characters happily embarrassing death at the end? Wait! Did I say embarrassing? I meant embracing actually. Sorry. No spoilers there though.

All in all, the Hrithik-Rakesh Roshan-Anurag Basu combo held the promise of a big canvas extravaganza, replete with ample high octane action, fundoo ‘naach-gaana’, earth shaking drama and stunning visual appeal, not to include the perks of watching an exotic Mexican siren prancing around in a bikini and biting Hrithik’s ears atop large haystacks.

Kites

Screenplay – Anurag Basu, Rakesh Roshan, Robin Bhatt
Foreplay (I mean the story) – Rakesh Roshan
Music – Rajesh Roshan
Cinematography – Ayananka Bose (Tashan, Dostana, Jhoom Barabar Jhoom)
Choreography – Flexy Stu (Who?)

Story

Jay (Hrithik Roshan) is a petty Jack-of-all-trades in Las Vegas who appears to be in a hurry to rake in the big moolah. His unscrupulous jobs include marrying green card seeking illegal immigrants (all women of course) for a hefty fee. He also tutors Gina (Kangana Ranaut) in salsa and as a part of his get-rich-quick attempt, woos his way into her family, comprising the ruthless casino owner Bob ( Kabir Bedi – Gina’s Father) and his son Tony (Nick Brown). At a family event, Jay comes across the stunning Natasha (Barbara Mori), who also happens to be the fiancée of Tony. Jay becomes tongue tied in awe and remembers Natasha as one of his many wives whom he married for money. But even before you can say w00ts, Jay and Natasha (who too is in for the bucks) are happily guzzling champagne and cavorting in the rain on the Vegas streets, oblivious of the fact that Tony’s suspicions have already been sufficiently aroused.

What follows next is a clichéd sequence of tumultuous commotion shot non linearly in gay abandon by Basu across timelines and geographical locations, involving chaotic car chases, frenzied gunfire, hot air balloon flights, heists and stand-offs as the two lovebirds who chirp in different tunes escape from the wrath of Tony and emote strongly wherever they can, expressing their undying adoration for each other amidst all the cataclysmic mayhem. Hrithik bravely attempts to pull off this façade of pseudo-western escapism fabricated by the Roshan-Basu duo, though at places, his mannerisms falter, betraying his struggle to come to terms with his new found avatar of a global hero. Barbara Mori, though, is at her best, as she carries herself with wonderful élan, essaying a role which demands the powerful subtlety of expressions as well as the appeal of a superbly sculpted body in equal measures. Apart from the individual geniuses, Kites wavers unsteadily almost throughout and disappears in what appears to be a chasm of pathetic mediocrity on the part of its storytellers.

Impression

The action sequences often appear forced, and seem to be stitched together with their seams standing out like that in a badly thrashed T20 cricket ball in the twentieth over. The story is woefully lacking in imagination, with predictable sequences involving their escape through the US countryside. In almost a mockery of casino dons, reminiscent of the glorious ‘Ajit’ years, Hrithik is handed a gun by Bob and Tony (looks quite phony) who ask him to shoot a man who is alleged to have cheated in the casino. Hrithik makes complete a**holes of the two and sets the cheat free after some inane mumbo jumbo, something the two dons appear to endorse quite willfully and nod their heads in appreciative unison. Unbelievable! The film scores less on the oomph quotient too. A few more dollops of Barbara Mori romping about on the beach in her underlings would have put the proverbial fizz back into the otherwise flat coke. Hrithik, too, hung his dancing shoes rather early in the movie, or that was how I felt. Kangana Ranaut seemed to be run-out in the first over itself. Overall, the film appeared like a large and glitzy departmental store, which was miserably short on essential supplies. The crowd I sat with in the theatre comprised a lot of diehard Hrithik fans who lamented the hopeless end and loudly wondered if they had bought tickets to Spanish speaking classes. I was looking to catch a wink of sleep when the last scenes were being enacted, where Jay guns down Bob and Tony’s entire entourage amidst heavy rain and silent gunfire, when I was rudely shaken by a loud bang. At first I though it was the sound of Kites bombing at the box office, but then realized that it was Kangana who had fired a shot and woken up the audience. The only redeeming feature appeared to be the stunning cinematography; Anayanka Bose doing his best to paint the canvas in temporal shades of opulence interspersed brilliantly with the unforgiving landscapes of the unexplored deserts of New Mexico.

I sincerely hope Roshan and Basu come up with Kkites – 2. Let them cast a sexy Polynesian New Zealander in the female lead, name her Barbara Maori, and treat us to some exotic hula hula to compensate for the drab fare that they dished out in the name of crossover cinema.

Kite-us interruptus for now.


GPL (The Grand Premier League) Update

GPL, or the Grand Premier League is the fourth largest annual festival in the world after the Topless Rio Carnival, the NBA Basketball Championships and Christmas. GPL was first administered to us in 2008 by a (then unknown) cricket visionary by the name of Lalit Muddy. Lalit Muddy teamed up with another general purpose visionary Shararat Pawar of BCCI (Bored of Controlling Cricket in India) and created GPL to tackle the financial recession that threatened to wipe out all cheerleaders from the face of the earth. The duo (worms of the same hole that wriggle together) sold off teams to powerful and wealthy businessmen at astronomical sums and used the money to resuscitate a clutch of gasping retired cricketers and chinese mobile phone manufacturers.

The first eight teams that were thus borne by GPL are as follows (with the names of their owners in the bracket):

  • Kolkata Nut Traders (Owner – Mr. Shah Haaru Khan)
  • Maamu-Bhai Indians (Owner – Mr. Mukesh I’m Money)
  • King Silly One Punjab (Owner – Miss Pretty Jhinchak and her ex boyfriend among others)
  • Rajasthan Naariyals (Owner – Mrs. Spill-per-settee, her husband and some obscure newsprint/media group)
  • Real Chilly-Gingers Bangalore (Owner – Dr. Beer J. Maal Laaya)
  • Dhakkan Changers Hyderabad (Owner – The Dhakkan Croon-Kill group)
  • Delhi Daaru-da-bill (Owner – The Jiyo-Maro Group, Construction giants), and
  • Chennai Cipher Kings (Owner – India Simians)

The first and the second GPLs were both huge successes. Buoyed by the returns, GPL Commissioner Lalit Muddy and Shararat Pawar sold off two more GPL teams to franchisees at a cost that nearly equals half of Africa’s total GDP plus the 73.3% mandatory commission payable to all government officials there. NASA officials have observed that even at half this cost, they could have send all Mujaheddin prisoners to Mars and rehabilitated them permanently over there.

The third edition of GPL, too, has been a stupendous success. Moth-hue Hidden, an Australian batsman of repute unveiled a bat, Mongoose, that can catapult bowlers  and their balls to the low geostationary orbit (the kind of orbit from where cheap, third world satellites usually keep falling off). However, The Mongoose didn’t quite work in a crucial recent game, where the batsman had his stumps knocked out by a snaking delivery that hissed past at lightning speed. Pretty Jhinchak was quite thrilled by all this. Here’s a bit of conversation between her and Groovyraj Singh, a promising cricketer from the King Silly One camp.

Pretty Jhinchak: “Hi Groovy! It was a thrilling match! See I’m having mongoose bumps all over!”

Groovyraj Singh: “Yes! I can see that! There are two particularly large ones on your T Shirt as well!”

Pretty Jhinchak: “Dhatt Groovy! Those are my…you know….!” (Smiles coyly and runs away to embrace Ravi Wo-Phaara)

Dr. Beer J. Maal-Laya is quite happy with the kind of progress his team has made until now. His bunch of fossilised cricketers marinated in Kingfisher Strong Soda have cooked the goose of almost all their worthy competitors in de-la-grandi style. However, Shah Haaru Khan, owner of Kolkata Nut Traders is reportedly cross with Sourabh Gun-Goli, their captain, who has repeatedly misfired in game after game. Chris Ghayal, a hard hitting West Indian in the Nut camp, appears to be lost in thinking about his investments in Jamaican coconut farms and, therefore, isn’t playing all that well. Ashaant Soorma, their perpetually tired fast bowler, too, goes for too many runs. Not a fair sign for Kolkata.

The commentary has been a revelation this time. Set-Wax, the official broadcasters did away with Moan-dheerey Bedi, a seductive hostess more famous for cooking hot noodles and spaghetti, than for commenting on balls and the way they are gripped and rubbed and passed about. This time, they hired entirely neutral commentators, experts who are entirely unaware of the game of football (they think it is football). It’s quite refreshing, though we are missing Moan-dheerey’s sweet moans…(sigh!).

Oh! We are missing the original ‘Fake IPL Player’ too…… :(

To be continued……

Politickle Pickle: The True Maratha

The inter-party meeting was about to begin shortly. Prime Minister Mehmaan Singh and United Frog-racing Alliance (UFA) Chairperson Say-no Gandhi hadn’t yet arrived at the scene. Shararat Pawar, the agriculture minister, Sassy Tharoor, the  deputy foreign minister and Jai Mata Banerjee, the minister of railways (and everything else that ran on steam, smoke and Bijoli Grill) were seen discussing something quite animatedly. Cutting across party lines, the three old muskets of Indian politics, finance minister Purono Mukherjee, opposition chief Akela Advani and Shriek Sena supremo Bawal Thackray were jostling with each other to grab the seat nearest to the toilet. Since it was quite cold inside with all the ACs working like NREGA welfare schemes, proximity to the loo was rather a dire necessity.  UNDY-TV honcho Piranha Roy was covering the events from the sidelines.

A bugle was presently heard, causing Jai Mata Banerjee to reach instinctively in her purse and pull out a piece of cloth, which she started waving wildly. “Cholbe naa, cholbe naa” she screamed at the top of her voice, addressing no one in particular.

“Ssshhhh!”, cautioned Purono Mukherjee. ” Ki korchhen Jai Mata di?? That’s tha PM and Misses Gandhi arribhing. Hide tha phlag I say…”

“Oww…taai! I thought it waas Roton Tata!”  Jai Mata Banerjee exclaimed excitedly. She always spoke as if rushing to catch two trains at a time.

The ambassador car carrying PM Mehmaan Singh and Mrs. Say-no Gandhi arrived at the gate. Say-no Gandhi kept on sitting, thinking of something leaving Mehmaan Singh horribly undecided whether to keep sitting inside or come out.

“Madam….. er….. shall I ….. get out?” Mehmaan Singh squeaked politely, as security men opened his side of the car door and expertly hauled half his posterior outside, ostensibly in an attempt to facilitate his smooth exit.

“No”

“No…?”

“Not yet, I mean. Please keep sitting until Royal Gandhi arrives.” Saying this, Mrs. Say-no Gandhi leaped out and was gone in six seconds. The security guards gently reposited Mr Singh’s posterior on the car’s back seat and closed the door quietly, leaving the PM to brood over his political destiny. Piranha Roy of UNDY-TV was watching all this with profound interest. He absentmindedly scratched his pretty assistant and got lost in cooking up an appropriate headline.

As Mrs Gandhi entered the hall, Shriek Sena Chief Bawal Thackray jumped up on his chair and began waving his stick threateningly.

“What’s the meaning of all this? I demand an answer!” Bawal Thackray hollered.

“What’s the matter Bawalsaheb? Why all this bawaal?”

“What? You are asking me what’s the matter? I demand an explanation from you as to why there is no representation of the Marathi Menus here?”

“Maratha Manoos?”

Arre! Who cares about Maratha manoos? I said Maratha Menus…!”

“Now what’s that Sassy?” Say No Gandhi was visibly disturbed by the unexpected commotion.

Sassy Tharoor whipped out his Blackberry and was about to tweet something exotic when Bawalsaheb roared “Say No Gandhi has no idea of the Maratha Menus! She comes from an Italian background!” He turned to look at Shararat Pawar, who quickly nodded approvingly.

“I ask Say No Gandhi why there is no representation of the Maratha Menus in today’s lunch? I can see pasta and spaghetti, pizza and espresso, but no varli-wangi, wada-pao or aamti! Even these Bengalis have their items here – rasogolla, ledikeni, bipasha, mishti doi…..but no pitla bhakhri or misal-pao!”

“Or puran-poli” Shararat Pawar called out loudly before quickly hiding behind a pillar to avoid Say No Gandhi’s gaze.

Bawal Thackeray turned around and eyed Purono Mukherjee viciously

“Yes! Puran-poli! Well said Shararat Pawar! You are a true Maratha!” Bawalsaheb ejaculated happily.

Purono Mukherjee intervened “Boaal shaheb…this is not feyar! Eu kanot call Bipasha as phood aaitem! She is aawar belaabhed idol. Eu kan eet ledikeni and doi….bat kan eu eet Bipasha? Aaithar eu do not know tha besiks or eu habb gonn compleetely mad!”

Bawal Thackeray turned around, eyed Purono Mukherjee viciously and turned his attention to Akela Adveni, who was just about to sneak into the toilet. “Advaniji…don’t you have anything to say?”

“Aaa…aaaa?”

“Advaniji, I’m asking that don’t you have anything to say in this matter?”

“Jee? No…”

“Uff….that old coot is again hankering after Jinnah…Akela ji, if you do not stop taking Jinnah’s name, I’ll ask my Shriek Sainiks to lock that loo!” Bawalsaheb shrieked.

Arre waaah! Lock that loo? Bawalsaheb…..get your house in order first. You couldn’t stop your own nephew Naraaj Thackeray from pinching taps from your loo right under your nose….lock that loo! Baap ka raaj hai! Don’t forget that my men in Mumbai can lock you in the loo too…huh!” Akela Advani thundered and ran into the toilet at break-neck speed, clutching his dhoti. People didn’t call him the I-run Man for nothing.

25 New Rajinikanth Facts One Must Know.

Rajinikanth is undoubtedly the only global superhero. He is smarter than a thousand Chuck Norrises put together. The time has come to reveal some startling Rajinikanth facts and watch the world chew it’s fingers in awe.

You’ve seen the video. Now some hardcore facts –


1. Rajnikanth taught Chuck Norris how to deliver roundhouse kicks.

2. Rajnikanth once roundhouse kicked a Tata truck in Chennai. It became the Tata Nano and fell on Mamata Banerjee’s head in Kolkata.

3. Rajinikanth reverses Court judgements by making the ink run back into the Judge’s ballpen.

4. Rajinikanth once boarded a Virgin Atlantic flight from Chennai to New York. The stewards served the tea cold. So when the flight finally touched down, it was just ‘Atlantic’.

5. Matrix was originally planned in Tamil as அச்சு வார்ப்புரு with Rajinikanth as Rajinikanth. But the bullets were so shit scared that they pissed in the barrels and refused to come out of the guns in his presence.

6. Rajinikanth once went to Jim Corbett National Park. After eight straight hours of snapping pictures, the tired tigers ran out of camera film.

7. Rajinikanth doesn’t need to sleep with a gun under his pillow. He is deadlier with the pillow.

8. The movie ’300′ was initially planned to be made with Rajinikanth. It was originally named ’1′.

9. Rajinikanth is so flexible, he can lick his elbow.

10. He’s also so smart, he knows you’d try to do it after reading that.

11. Raincoats were developed to prevent raindrops from getting electrocuted on coming within 1oo metres of Rajinikanth.

12. Rajinikanth has successfully reversed global warming. All the glaciers just froze when they heard his name.

13. Rajinikanth once dived into the sea from his Chennai condo. The next thing you know is that a tsunami has hit half the world.

14. The Chennai – Delhi Rajdhani Express once missed Rajinikanth. It ran as fast as it could but failed to catch him.

15. Rajinikanth can kill a 100 villains at a time just with his dialogues.

16. Viagra often needs Rajinikanth.

17. Newton gave us just the three dumb laws of motion. Rajinikanth has already given us 33,945 laws of commotion andthe count is far from completed.

18. No one messes with Rajinikanth. Only Rajinikanth can mess with himself.

19. Sunny Deol once thrashed a battalion of Pakistanis with his bare hands. Rajinikanth can thrash 1000 such Sunny Deols with his bare tongue.

20. Parachutes were invented just to prevent the earth from getting shattered to pieces when hit by a falling Rajinikanth.

21. Only two things on earth are visible from space. Rajinikanth in his mundu and some wall in Africa. Or is that in China?

22. What colour is Rajinikanth’s blood? Haha! Trick question! Rajinikanth never bleeds!!

23. Rajinikanth is faster than email. He is now officially the second fastest thing in the Universe after MMS.

24. Rajinikanth uses pepper spray as eye drops.

25. Man proposes; Rajinikanth disposes. And disposes fast.

Howzzat!

Booty Baigan

Alas, the research seems to have gone all in the wrong direction.

The scientists who invented the B.T. baigan may be gloating in glee over their success in pinching some obnoxious gene from some turdy bacteria and shoving it down an unsuspecting eggplant’s throat. But tell me – what’s the point?  What do you aim to achieve, apart from a sore eggplant and a lot of egg on the face? To begin with, the eggs laid by the bruised eggplant (the fruits, to be precise) would be no good, with the people avoiding it like plague, scared shitless at the shrub’s reported ability to bump off innocent little bugs by bursting open their tender tooshies. How ghastly!

The baigan (brinjal/aubergine) has always been adored as a messenger of peace, fostering global harmony on a platter, as the universally appreciated ‘baigan ka bharta’. To the inexperient eye, I admit the preparation may look somewhat like a dirty lump of gob, quite like cow dung that has soaked in a bit of rain (quite graphic link, watch at your own peril), but I am willing to bet my only bottle opener that it’s a delectable dish that will regale with it’s delightful smoothness and unique earthy flavour. Now, tell me, would you approve of a baigan that has blood of the bugs on its hinds, a baigan that has remorselessly bai-gunned down a thousand little beetles in cold sauce? Duh! The B.T baigan is a farce.

I tell you what. The biotech guys should have really scratched their dusters in unison and come out with something that was of more worldly appeal. Something that had true commercial value. Say, for example, something that assured of striking cosmetic enhancement both for bollywood babes and wannabes alike. Like a cross between an eggplant and Mallika Sherawat. They could have innovatively named the thing BOOTY Baigan. Imagine the headlines: “Booty Baigan assures 200% increase in ass(et) size!” (Indian Express), “Mammooty bats for Booty” (Deccan Herald),  “Booty And The Feast” (The Times of India), “We thought of ‘Booty and The Feast’ First” (Hindustan Times), “Booty Fever Grips India – 2000000 affected” (Aaj Tak) etc. etc. Imagine Bipasha, Katrina and Asin each holding an eggplant and proclaiming “We love Booty baigan” in one voice at the Fimfare Awards Nite. Oh well, Bebo would have voiced her strong disgust at Booty’s properties, but who, other than Saif, would care?

Monalisa - Before and After Treatment with Booty Baigan

There’s another upside to the Booty Baigan saga. Baba Rhymedev, who vehemently opposed the introduction of BT brinjal in India would have no serious objection to Booty Baigan. In a recent meeting Baba Rhymedev spewed venom thus, “How can a government make a mockery of its country? GM foods can lead to kidney disorder, liver disorder, brain disorder, tooth disorder, hairfall, windfall, nightfall, bathroom fall, cancer, mange, barber’s itch, swimmer’s eye, tennis elbow, washerman’s knee, dog bite, swine flu, bird flu, tapeworm, bedbugs, lice, mice, gas, heart attack, fart attack and many other physical, metaphysical, mental and sentimental disorders among millions of Indians. Doesn’t government feel shame to mull over commercial cultivation of GM crop? Of course I can cure each and every one of these problems with ease, but why burden me with such an unnecessary responsibility? You see, I’m already overburdened nowadays, having to tend to a whole exotic island off England’s coast”.

Baba Rhymedev ended his discourse by uttering a rhyme aimed at eradicating swine flu and gas from the face of the earth. I’m reproducing the chant here for the general betterment of humanity as a whole. So please close your eyes, imagine you are holding a Booty Baigan, and chant…

“Wanna cure swine flu

Wanna cure gas??

Just shove a bit o’ Booty Baigan

Up your ***”