If the following hold true for you, you have a serious drinking problem and you don’t know it.

1. The floor jumps up and hits you on the face with disturbing regularity.

2. The breath analyser finds only slight traces of breath in your breath.

3. When your buddy says ‘Let’s chill out’, you jostle with the refrigerator and try to sit inside it.

4. You pour whiskey on your cornflakes and try eating them with a fork.

5. Mosquitoes fail the flight test after biting you, and crash into walls.

6. Your car seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

7.  The fishes in the aquarium pick up an arguement with you, and lose.

8. You discover you’re left with two left feet, and then you are unable to find them too.

9. You light a cigarette, pull at the burning end and wonder why your tongue tastes like a barbecued frog.

10. Job interferes with your drinking.

11. The 5 blood groups, according to you, are O, OM (Old Monk), A, B and, ummm….. XYZ(?). Maybe.

12. You focus better with one eye closed.

13. You type a lulid rulid lurid message on your mobile….and send it to your wife.

14. You open the laptop and find alphabet keys all over the screen.

15. The doc examines your butt for your piles and fissure problem and writes the diagnosis ‘KING FISSURE’.

16. Friends armed with fire extinguishers have to stand at a safe distance as you blow out your birthday candles.

17. The trouser you’re wearing suddenly appears to have developed too many pockets.

18. You see your image in the mirror and mistake it to be a burgler.

19. Vijay Mallaya calls you and advises you to cut down on booze.

20. You forget what ‘Bottoms up’ means and endeavour to heave your backside northwardly whenever that is uttered.

Vijay Mallaya: Trademark Beered!