Part III was written much earlier, but I became so numb with Kambakkht Ishq’s hangover, that this blogpost was excessively delayed. You may refresh your memories by reading the prologue here and the pain there.
As I said earlier, Bebo is a wannabe surgeon. She weighs a little over twenty kilos, roughly equal to the added weights of Sabiston’s and Schwartz’ Textbooks of Surgery, lumped together in a bikini towel. Susie and I concluded that in order to get a degree Bebo must have soaped her examiners with front row passes to her swimwear shows, and that she badly needed to practice her skills as a butcher before she could be entrusted with the job of dismembering a stuntman. However, this being a movie, we ignored the minor factual errors and concentrated on the larger picture as a whole. So Bebo cut up Akshay, and ended up leaving her watch inside his tummy. Afterwards, Akshay moved heaven and hell to discover the source of the earth splitting chants of Manglam Manglam, which were in fact coming from inside him only!
It was interval soon, and the dim lights came on. From the corner of my eye, I noticed Faddu and Dimpy quickly move away from each other with naughty half smiles and a coy, come-hither type of look on their faces. A few nasty thoughts rampaged in my mind, but Faddu explained that he was sharing an SMS joke only. I had my doubts, though.
Faddu stood up and trotted off, saying he was going to get some snacks, but I knew he would first go to the loo, and then to the snack bar to buy nachos and coke. It wasn’t a very agreeable thought (even if he washed his hands thoroughly), and I resolved not to touch that plate of nachos defiled with Faddu’s machos. I got up and moved to Faddu’s seat, leaned over Dimpy’s, and took up the profound matter of Bebo’s surgical skills with Dimpy. She seemed greatly interested.
“Bonerji boss…did Akshay have to remove his clothes in the OT!”
“Dimmpal, I told you I am not Bonerji.” I said with a tone of mock offense. ”Clothes? Oh yes! every bit. You never do any surgery with clothes on…I mean, with no clothes on the patient. Very important Dimple, very important…else the patient gets all sorts of infections!”
“Ohh Boss!” Dimpy’s jaw dropped. Susie looked quite excited.
“Wouldn’t he feel …uh….ashamed without his clothes?”
“I should think so.” I said gravely. “And with Bebo as the surgeon, all types of uncomfortable accidents are possible!”
“Accidents? What accidents?” Dimple stared at me with wide eyes.
“Things in Akshay would shoot straight up and refuse to come down…you see.”
There was a stunned silence. Susie shifted uneasily in her chair.
“Things that Bebo would really like to hold on to might get out of her hand!”
Dimple gulped. “Things like?” She was breathing heavily.
“Can’t you guess? So simple!”
“No” Dimpy whispered, her cheeks turning as red as a tomato.
“Like? Like the blood pressure! Pulse…..!” I declared casually.
“Oh! BP! Yes….!” The two girls exchanged quick knowing glances and heaved a collective sigh of relief. Why were they getting so worked up on the trifling question of BP and pulse, I wondered.
Faddu arrived with a tub of popcorn. When he saw me occupying his seat, he looked a bit annoyed and grumbled that he had a few more SMS jokes which he wanted to share with Dimpy. I refused to budge, and assured him that I had enough of them myself and would happily share them with Dimpy if she so desired.
The second half brought more pain. Boman Irani (Doctor Deaf) and Javed Jaffrey (Sue-er ka bachcha) compete with each other for the trophy of ‘complete ace-whole’ of the movie. Bebo preserves her virginity and Akshay somehow keeps his BP and pulse under control despite both of them snoozing under the same sheet in their birthday suits. Amrita Arora frequently changes exotic swimwear in the kitchen. Bebo bamboozles Akshay in a bikini, cuts him up once again to retrieve the watch and then dumps him. In the end everyone bashes everyone else, but not before Sylvestor Stallone makes a couple of illogical appearances and gets a peck on the cheek from Bebo for . In the end, Akshay dumps Denise and goes to watch a movie with Bebo.
Sylvestor Stallone’s appearance stirred Susie who sat up in awe and exclaimed happily “Saar…..John Dumbo!”
“John Rambo” I corrected her.
“But whats he doing in the backyard in the afternoon?” asked Dimpy.
“Susu karne aaya thaa…uske ghar ka toilet kharaab hai” mumbled Faddu and finished the popcorn.
Concluded (derived from the words ‘Conclusively’ and ‘Dead’)