Tag Archives: Review

Kambakkht Ishq – Endgame

Posted on by Rofl Indian

Part III was written much earlier, but I became so numb with Kambakkht Ishq’s hangover, that this blogpost was excessively delayed. You may refresh your memories by reading the prologue here and the pain there.

As I said earlier, Bebo is a wannabe surgeon. She weighs a little over twenty kilos, roughly equal to the added weights of Sabiston’s and Schwartz’ Textbooks of Surgery, lumped together in a bikini towel. Susie and I concluded that in order to get a degree Bebo must have soaped her examiners with front row passes to her swimwear shows, and that she badly needed to practice her skills as a butcher before she could be entrusted with the job of dismembering a stuntman. However, this being a movie, we ignored the minor factual errors and concentrated on the larger picture as a whole. So Bebo cut up Akshay, and ended up leaving her watch inside his tummy.  Afterwards, Akshay moved heaven and hell to discover the source of the earth splitting chants of Manglam Manglam, which were in fact coming from inside him only!

It was interval soon, and the dim lights came on. From the corner of my eye, I noticed Faddu and Dimpy quickly move away from each other with naughty half smiles and a coy, come-hither type of look on their faces. A few nasty thoughts rampaged in my mind, but Faddu explained that he was sharing an SMS joke only.  I had my doubts, though.

Faddu stood up and trotted off, saying he was going to get some snacks, but I knew he would first go to the loo, and then to the snack bar to buy nachos and coke. It wasn’t a very agreeable thought (even if he washed his hands thoroughly), and I resolved not to touch that plate of nachos defiled with Faddu’s machos. I got up and moved to Faddu’s seat, leaned over Dimpy’s, and took up the profound matter of Bebo’s surgical skills with Dimpy.  She seemed greatly interested.

“Bonerji boss…did Akshay have to remove his clothes in the OT!”

“Dimmpal, I told you I am not Bonerji.” I said with a tone of mock offense. ”Clothes? Oh yes! every bit. You never do any surgery with clothes on…I  mean, with no clothes on the patient. Very important Dimple, very important…else the patient gets all sorts of infections!”

“Ohh Boss!” Dimpy’s jaw dropped. Susie looked quite excited.

“Wouldn’t he feel …uh….ashamed without his clothes?”

“I should think so.” I said gravely. “And with Bebo as the surgeon, all types of uncomfortable accidents are possible!”

“Accidents? What accidents?” Dimple stared at me with wide eyes.

“Things in Akshay would shoot straight up and refuse to come down…you see.”

There was a stunned silence. Susie shifted uneasily in her chair.

“Things that Bebo would really like to hold on to might get out of her hand!”

Dimple gulped. “Things like?” She was breathing heavily.

“Can’t you guess? So simple!”

“No” Dimpy whispered, her cheeks turning as red as a tomato.

“Like? Like the blood pressure! Pulse…..!” I declared casually. 

“Oh! BP! Yes….!” The two girls exchanged quick knowing glances and heaved a collective sigh of relief. Why were they getting so worked up on the trifling question of BP and pulse, I wondered.

Faddu arrived with a tub of popcorn. When he saw me occupying his seat, he looked a bit annoyed and grumbled that he had a few more SMS jokes which he wanted to share with Dimpy. I refused to budge, and assured him that I had enough of them myself and would happily share them with Dimpy if she so desired.

The second half brought more pain. Boman Irani (Doctor Deaf) and Javed Jaffrey (Sue-er ka bachcha) compete with each other for the trophy of ‘complete ace-whole’ of the movie. Bebo preserves her virginity and Akshay somehow keeps his BP and pulse under control despite both of them snoozing under the same sheet in their birthday suits.  Amrita Arora frequently changes exotic swimwear in the kitchen. Bebo bamboozles Akshay in a bikini, cuts him up once again to retrieve the watch and then dumps him. In the end everyone bashes everyone else, but not before Sylvestor Stallone makes a couple of illogical appearances and gets a peck on the cheek from Bebo for . In the end, Akshay dumps Denise and goes to watch a movie with Bebo.

Sylvestor Stallone’s appearance stirred Susie who sat up in awe and exclaimed happily “Saar…..John Dumbo!”

“John Rambo” I corrected her.

“But whats he doing in the backyard in the afternoon?” asked Dimpy.

“Susu karne aaya thaa…uske ghar ka toilet kharaab hai” mumbled Faddu and finished the popcorn.

 

Concluded (derived from the words ‘Conclusively’ and ‘Dead’)

Ramu’s AAG: Infernal Inferno!

Posted on by Rofl Indian

Did Ramu watch Sholay 27 times? If that’s the case, then there should be a law to ban such hideously reckless activity, for it gives rise to a dangerous itch, the horrible results of which are there for us all to see and bear. When RGV announced the pompous remake of Sholay with great enthusiasm, I knew it was going to be one of the last nails in his filmmaking coffin. My fears turned out to be true, and so, even with clear disaster warnings written in bold all over, I took a chance with AAG, braved Ramu’s towering inferno for close to 3 hours and came out aghast with a lot of roasted body parts.

The following crap video is a consequence of the severe mental shocks that I endured. I had originally left it out (considering it to be too mawkish) but now that ~uh~™ and bouncing-bubble are poking me in the ribs, I’m sharing it here for your collective merriment.

MY OTHER SIMPLE OBSERVATIONS AND MISCELLANEOUS CONCLUSIONS….


Urmila: Rocking the boats


An extremely irritated Dhanno coming out of the multiplex

Urmila: Depths…of acting talent!

The cinematographer was earlier working with The Royal Japanese Earthquake Filming Society….his unique style of wildly swaying, swinging, spinning, screwing camera angles gave away this valuable clue. It’s another thing that the poor viewers nearly vomited with vertigo and motion sickness. The assistant cinematographer had probably co-invented the stump vision camera. So all shots were taken from 2 ft. height to enable the viewer to have a clear view of the balls’ movement. .I was enlightened by the fact that after the ‘mole’, the next most useful way of hiding your identity is by wearing a brown moustache. A pair of goggles can compliment the mooch nicely. If used intelligently, the combination of a mole, a moustache and a pair of goggles can hide the differences between a man, a dog, a lion, a police inspector and even an elephant.Ajay Devgan (Heero) cant even steal an ogle properly. Each time he stared at Ghungroo’s ghung…I mean breast pockets, he was caught red handed. He nearly drilled his eyes into Ghungroo’s anatomy. Ogling, like whistling, is an art, and like all other fine arts, needs perfection. Heero is lousy and miserable in the movie with his red hair and should have committed suicide when Ghungroo’s mom didn’t consent for their marriage. Had Veeru known that he would be emulated thus, he too would have given up his claim on Basanti, gulped down a few more mouthfuls of whiskey and jumped off the tank in Sholay.

Prashant (Raj) thankfully dies in the last scene. He didn’t have much to do other that look like a cool dude (what’s a dude?).

Babban reminded me of Waterworld somehow. His makeover was hideous. His hamming was pathetic. His gang had a whole bunch of shrunken old men chiselling away old 12 bore guns which led me to suspect that Jai (from Sholay) probably survived, hoodwinked all, fled to Mumbai, became Babban with the help of Gabbar’s dropouts and kicked as*. Also, Babban as a patient appears pretty difficult to treat and seems to be a physician’s nightmare. Likely to be suffering from tuberculosis, barber’s itch, foot drop, limp, groin eczema, sore eyes, psychosis, mange, lice, scabies, pinworm, impotence, Gilles de la Tourette syndrome, dislocated hip joint, asthma, piles, tics…..where is the doctor?

Babban (Baboon)


The Natural Endowment Policy – If you are a nymphet, naturally endowed, love fig leaves, are thrifty with clothes, can jump, heave and are willing to get wet either at the beach or under the shower, you can become Ramu’s heroine and end up with loads and loads of crappy dialogues. He won’t pay any attention to your horrible, slimy, incoherent, staccato jerks which you may try to pass off as acting. Nisha Kothari was pathetic.

Basanti – (N)oodles of oooomph


Had Basanti and Dhanno seen this, both would have turned up at a lunatic asylum. Sush as Durga Devi gave me the impression of the latest version of ‘Widow’s Vista’. Attractively packaged, but terribly faulted. And literally dying to ‘upgrade’ at the first opportunity! When confronted with Raj’s secret love for her, Durga Devi nearly jumped with glee, chanted har har har har har quietly and went about spinning a day dream.

Durga Devi acting coy.


It was hazardous for Amitabh to experiment with an apple, that too at this age. He should have read about Newton’s laws of motion. It was equally hazardous for him to fiddle with ants, bees, flies and kill hundreds of them without any apparent reason. Flickered his tongue like a snake sometimes. Ugh! But I think it is not really Ramu’s fault and shouldn’t be blamed for the hideous misdirection. He was busy directing 12 other movies at the same time. One hits next week.

Hey, let me show you my tooter



Everyone went completely over the top. It was like a mad rush for the gold medal in hamming. The film is horrid, ghastly and revolting beyond belief. All the guns seemed to have an excess of gunpowder, made a terrible racket when fired, and often missed the target. Background score is jarring, deafening and revolting beyond description. Bizarre and unnecessary references to CIA and Al Qaida appear to inserted to give this movie an international texture. Ramu’s creativity seems to have sunk to the pits really. Is this the same one who made Satya???

Tambi showed promise. If he grows a real moustache, sticks to Ramu loyally and doesn’t eye Ramu’s girls, he may land up with a plump role in the near future.



Rajpal Yadav probably choked on icecream and ruined his voice.



Chekravarty’s career seems to have come to an end with Satya. Though only one glimpse of him was heart warming. And I am still to comprehend how a fingerless Narsimha hurled that hunting knife at Babban’s back. Moreover, he failed to convince as a police inspector, no matter how hard he tried. Ramu should have made him a lawyer or something. Would have suited him better.


There are countless other inconsistencies, to document which I shall need to write two more reviews. Naah, don’t really have the stomach for that.

Burrrrp…….faaarrr*t……

Hazam nahi hua….

This post was first published elsewhere. It can be read in the original context along with the comments here.