The Financial Crisis, Explained From ‘Behind’

Seated_WinoDr. Frank Lee Noegood is a piles doctor at an apothecary in Britain.  The region where Dr. Noegood practices is inhabited by a large number of alcoholics who are do not have a regular source of income. These alcoholics, being heady by nature, often indulge in reckless drinking binges and outrageous gastronomic exertions and expectedly end up suffering from a variety of  extremely painful disorders involving the unmentionables (which, hitherto, shall be mentioned in the most colourful of apellations, readers’ sensitibilities notwithstanding).

In order to increase his practice, Dr. Noegood decides to allow his loyal patients – the unemployed alcoholics – to have their butts examined but he allows them to pay later.  He keeps track of the medicines he dispenses and the number of times he inserts his lubricated finger into the sore tooshies of his patients on a ledger, thereby practically granting his patients health loans. As you may see, his methods sometimes appear to be cruel, but his intentions are undoubtedly philanthrophic in nature. In a token exchange, however, Dr. Noegood keeps the empty beer bottles brought in by his patients in large numbers as guarantees against defaults of payment.

pinocchioWord soon gets around and as a result increasing numbers of patients flood into Dr. Noegood’s clinic. Taking unscrupulous advantage of his patients’ freedom from immediate payment constraints, Dr. Noegood increases his prices for sigmoidoscopy, the most-commonly done diagnostic drill on the inflammed arse. His diagnostics volume increases massively. His lubricant supplier borrows a huge loan and sets up a warehouse of lubricants. At this point, his sister, Rhea Lee Noegood, who happens to be a dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognises these patients’ debts as valuable future assets and increases Dr. Noegood’s borrowing limit.  She sees no reason for undue concern since Dr. Noegood assures her that he has the empty beer bottles of the alcoholic patients as security. As cheap credit is abundant, the loans get easily funded by a host of pension funds, hedge funds, soverign funds, mutual funds and insurance companies which are promised returns in excess of 100%. Flush with oodles of borrowed money, Dr. Noegood embarks on an exuberant lifestyle, has botox all over his face and begins vacationing at exotic destinations like British Virgin Islands with his gorgeous girlfriend.

At the bank’s corporate headquarters at Balls Street (across the Atlantic in US), expert investment bankers huddle together and find a way out to wring out an extra few ounces of dough (moolah, boodle) from the money market. They somehow leverage these greedy-mancustomer assets into collateralised debt obligations called Painbonds, Poopiebonds and Fartbonds and manage to fob off these CDOs to greedy and gullible investors.  These securities are then traded on markets worldwide.  Credit rating agencies like Fudge and May-Rules-Be-Lynched are then invited to stamp their approval on the deal. They rate Fartbond, Poopiebond and Painbond with CCC, BBB and AAA ratings respectively, in return for a fat fee. However, no one really understands what these collateral debt obligations mean and how the securities are guaranteed.  Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items. Bankers in Ball Street become tremendously rich.

Lone_Drunk_IOne day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager of the bank, alarmed by the falling prices of empty beer bottles, decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the patients at Dr. Noegood’s clinic. He knocks at Dr. Noegood’s doorstep, who then approaches his patients for repayment of the debts. The patients – unemployed alcoholics – however, cannot pay back the debts because they have no money.  Cornered, and under severe financial crunch, Dr. Noegood then offers the empty beer bottles to the bank, which refuses to accept them and asks for the debts to be settled by cash. By now the clinic has transformed into a huge warehouse of empty beer bottles and discarded smelly handgloves smeared with poopie, but they are of no use as Dr. Noegood is in no position to fulfil his loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.  

As the news of Dr. Noegood’s bankruptcy spreads, Painbond and Poopiebond drop in price by 95%.  Fartbond performs slightly better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 82%.  The suppliers of Dr. Noegood’s clinic, having granted him hockeybuntergenerous payment due dates and having invested heavily in the sigmoidoscopy tools are faced with a new and dangerous situation. His antibiotic supplier goes belly up, his lubricant supplier is taken over by a competitor from India. The bank, nearly insolvent by now from the effects of credit freeze, and burdened by millions of empty beer bottles having absolutely no value, is saved by the Government following dramatic and desperate consultations by leaders from the governing political parties, most of whom have itchy bottoms.  The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax (impots) levied on those who do not have piles.

The Financial Crisis, finally, stands explained.

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37 Comments on this article. Feel free to join this conversation.

  1. Ram Venkatararam June 1, 2009 at 6:34 am -

    A most remarkable tale, ROFL Indian, and frightening because it is undoubtedly true.

    Ram!

    • Rofl Indian June 1, 2009 at 9:39 am -

      I agree Ram. Even writing the tale was painful in a way. Thanks for visiting. Are you on parole?

  2. Witsnnuts June 1, 2009 at 10:51 am -

    Awesome narration.
    where on earth do you get the most appropriate pictures.
    Hope some americans see your blog.
    and BTW are you a doctor by profession ?

    P.S Also the ‘behind’ in the title just rocked.

    • Rofl Indian June 1, 2009 at 8:38 pm -

      Thank you Wits. I googled for the pictures. Well, I too hope the Americans see this. Its a tribute to them after all!
      Are you a doctor?
      Yes, allegedly 😉

  3. rahul June 1, 2009 at 11:00 am -

    ROFLMAO..one of the best,hilarious explanations of the crisis I have ever read..now I guess the Fed is giving money to the alcoholics to go the Doc for treatment but I guess they are saving to get their empty beer bottles back 😛

    • Rofl Indian June 1, 2009 at 8:40 pm -

      Thank you Rahul. Do you REALLY believe that alcoholics would believe in savings?

  4. ~uh~™ June 1, 2009 at 1:19 pm -

    You are henceforth Knighted as Dr. Hon. St. Lee Tugud.
    It can’t get more lucid, expressed from behind.
    Superbo!

    • Rofl Indian June 1, 2009 at 8:41 pm -

      Thank you for the honour ~uh~.
      😀

  5. kritika June 1, 2009 at 3:51 pm -

    ROFLINDIAN,
    Hi, it is gratifying to see somebody showing vigour in the face of tranquility!

    I have now progressed to a state of sedation…….
    Thanks For stopping by.

    And oh! Yes the blog- awesome read. it does quite spell out to the letter of how shit was passed on and on and on till it the stench caused asphyxiation and everything came tumbling down….

    • Rofl Indian June 2, 2009 at 3:25 pm -

      Thank you Kritika for visiting.
      I misread sedation for sedition and was admittedly alarmed! But then, isn’t a good hot cup of coffee an effective antidote to sedation?
      Lol @ asphyxiation. Did you read my last post? It had something for ‘asphyxiated’ souls 😀
      Cheers!

  6. farkandfunk June 1, 2009 at 5:01 pm -

    ROFL….

    One of the most shockingly brilliant pieces I’ve read in a long time. Please accept a cyber friendly binary coded clap-fart in honour of this article : 101011011 01011011 011101011 1101011.

    You’ve forced me to think twice before beering!

    • Rofl Indian June 2, 2009 at 3:30 pm -

      The binary code is awesome. Can you binary code anything? 😀
      Thanks for the visit.

      • farkandfunk June 2, 2009 at 3:36 pm -

        I am a person of limited capability, but Ajit Agarkar can binary code anything.

        Only Ajit Agarkar can use digits other than 0 or 1 in binary code.

        It is an open secret that Ajit Agarkar open a beer can- with his arse.

        I have blogrolled you sir. I hope you grant me that privilege.

        • Rofl Indian June 2, 2009 at 4:07 pm -

          @ Farkandfunk

          Its nothing short of a revelation! Why cant we come up with ‘Ajit Agarkar Facts’ or ‘App Sreesanth Facts’ just the way Chuck Norris fans come up with Chuck Norris Facts!

          And thanks you for the honour Fark. You’re already on my blogroll.

  7. Nishchaya June 1, 2009 at 8:01 pm -

    Which finger does Dr. Noegood uses to lick the butter chicken?

    • Rofl Indian June 2, 2009 at 3:33 pm -

      Dr. Noegood doesn’t discriminate between fingers; he gives all of them the same attention while licking butter chicken. Of course he uses his left hand 😉

  8. eye-in-sty-in June 2, 2009 at 4:45 am -

    Sooperbly explained… !!

    • Rofl Indian June 2, 2009 at 3:35 pm -

      Thank you EISI.

  9. Nutty-Martian June 2, 2009 at 11:58 am -

    A perfect post to laugh my arse off 😛
    Hilarious and perfect explanation of the financial crisis doc. Three farts to u 😀

    • Rofl Indian June 2, 2009 at 3:54 pm -

      Thanks Nutty.
      Wouldn’t three farts in a row need a great deal of effart? 😉

  10. Reva June 3, 2009 at 3:02 am -

    what a bootiful tale I say!!

    • Rofl Indian June 4, 2009 at 12:35 pm -

      Thank you Reva. Booty spotting is indeed an art. 🙂

  11. Amrita~ams June 4, 2009 at 7:15 pm -

    oye your blog is so neat….
    dont include the pictures of this post…:P
    btw they are hillarious 😀

    • Rofl Indian June 6, 2009 at 11:16 pm -

      Thanks and welcome loon ardor:-)
      They say a picture is worth a thousand weirds 🙂 …so!

  12. Anna Bond June 4, 2009 at 8:31 pm -

    Haha.. ROFL indeed.
    A very ‘butt’oned down take on the crisis I say 🙂

    • Rofl Indian June 6, 2009 at 11:25 pm -

      Thanks Anna. Welcome 🙂

  13. whatsinaname June 8, 2009 at 1:15 pm -

    hmm so the moral of the story is dont invite piles 😉

    • Rofl Indian June 12, 2009 at 8:31 pm -

      Piles, like tax officials, come uninvited. Both are …er….rather painful to endure…so to say! 😀

  14. whatsinaname June 8, 2009 at 1:24 pm -

    … or maybe better to have piles 😉 ! Since those who do not have piles have to endure the tax IMPOTS finally! 😀

    • Rofl Indian June 12, 2009 at 8:32 pm -

      There…there…that was what I was hinting at…!

  15. Shanu June 9, 2009 at 12:58 am -

    Wow tat was hilarious..I have finally understood wat a financial crisis is:P

    Maaann u do have some imagination!!

    • Rofl Indian June 12, 2009 at 8:33 pm -

      I hope now you can explain it to your pals in a lucid sort of way 😀
      Welcome to my blog 🙂

  16. Ashwathy June 10, 2009 at 12:13 am -

    LOL!!! Awesome!!
    hopped in here thru a friend’s blog.. i guess it was worth it 😀

    • Rofl Indian June 12, 2009 at 8:36 pm -

      Thanks Ashwathy. Welcome to my blog 🙂

  17. Whacky June 11, 2009 at 7:46 am -

    Perfect post to get me a laughing start today 😀

    Is the Doctor married ?? 😛

    • Rofl Indian June 12, 2009 at 8:44 pm -

      Yes, my friends tell me that I do smell of marriage 😛
      Welcome to my blog Whacky 🙂

  18. anant September 2, 2015 at 10:16 am -

    brilliant!! love your blog. Keep writing.