Who Framed Todger Grabbit


It is indeed a queer quirk of fate that actor Todger Grabbit finds himself today behind bars, accused by his bai of fishing in forbidden waters.  To the utter consternation of Mr. Grabbit perhaps, the bars in this case are made of steel, and are not the usual assembly of glass topped tables with cushioned chairs and hovering bartenders. Apparently, Todger Grabbit weaseled into illicit territory while attempting to his hook his libidinous line with his bai’s innocent sinker, and when the police took him into custody, he was reportedly trying to fix his blemished rudder with oil stains all over it.  

Now, for the uninitiated, the word bai refers to a female domestic help in Indian households. Such a person, as a rule, is believed to possess a multitude of sweeping, unconditional rights conferred automatically upon her from the day she condescends to extend her estimable services in exchange for an ample salary. This includes holding an entire household to ransom over the right to avail unlimited casual leaves and the right to demand generous grants of credit and consumables at bai-monthly intervals. Most Indian households, particularly in the metropolitan cities, are strictly bai-polar, where the word of the bai is final and bai-nding. Understandably, no one messes with their clan, let alone even think of flexing bai-ceps before them or rubbing them in either right or wrong ways. Wrath of a bai is horror personified, as Todger Grabbit is now realising to his utter humiliation.

Mr. Grabbit’s wayward, and in a way, inexplicable behavior is increasingly being attributed to a few of his earlier films, in which he was shown cavorting amorously with assorted seductresses in wanton acts of unbridled lust. Sins Since then of course, Mr. Grabbit has come a long way, grabbing a Filmfare Award or two on the route and generally coming to be accepted as an acceptable actor. As his co stars emphatically point out, Mr. Grabbit sported a wholesome reputation on the whole and was known to keep his boat usually under wraps, at an arm’s length from raunchy vessels bobbling in alluring waters. As to why Mr. Grabbit chose to rip away from his fairly steady anchor and run after a wild goose so late in married life, is definitely a puzzle for human bai-logists to mull over.

His defense counsel may argue that poor Todger was an innocent bai-stander in the whole sordid affair, and that all evidences that otherwise point to a forced one night bai-stand are utterly fabricated. Perhaps, it was merely bai-chance that Mr. Grabbit happened to be at home when the domestic help was rubbing away at the floor hard, in a sincere attempt to make it shiny and lustrous. Perhaps Mr. Grabbit was seized by a philanthropic urge to lend a hand in her chores, and that the passionate chorus which resulted was a bai-product of those messy laws of physics involving forced vibrations and unnatural frequencies. Or that Todger was merely riding a bai-cycle in his loving living room and inadvertently lumped into the lass in question, the bai-cycle’s handle doing all the grimy damage. The counsel may also argue that the congress was consensual to begin with, and the alarm which was raised afterwards was the result of failed bai-lateral negotiations. Whichever the case may be, for once, Spongebob has been apprehended without his square pants in place.

Whatever may be the truth, Mr. Grabbit’s career appears pretty blighted for the moment. Licking illicit grape juice is an 65C68-sour-grapesinfinitely more heinious crime than, say, ferrying guns with roses. If the charge is proved, Mr. Grabbit will spend the next decade or so mending his tattered sails in undignified confinement. He may, perhaps, redeem his image later by writing a truthful autobaiography, confessing to his sins. His distraught wife, who is putting up a brave face and an impassioned fight at the moment, will eventually wipe away her tears and get on with the task of bringing up their child. It may also happen that Mr. Grabbit’s counsels manage to make him wriggle out of the bai-gamy charge through some loophole in the bai-laws of the Indian Penile Penal Code.

All characters and situations mentioned in WFTG are figment of the author’s flatulent imagination. Any resemblance to characters alive or dead or somewhere in between is purely coincidental and unintentional.

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31 Comments on this article. Feel free to join this conversation.

  1. Spike June 22, 2009 at 6:45 am -

    nice foreplay with the bai word.

  2. witsnnuts June 22, 2009 at 8:03 am -

    too much of pun with the word ‘bai’ ..
    it seems u & ~uh~ have decided to make optimum use of the word 😉

    Good one. .Cheers 🙂

    • ~uh~™ June 22, 2009 at 1:36 pm -

      Dubaious coincidence of our baifocal vision 😉

    • Rofl Indian June 23, 2009 at 11:36 pm -

      Still, we are unbiased 😉

  3. rahul June 22, 2009 at 11:00 am -

    ROFLMAO.. Mr. Grabbit happened to be at home when the domestic help was rubbing away at the floor hard, in a sincere attempt to make it shiny and lustrous...very understated 😀

    • Rofl Indian June 23, 2009 at 11:38 pm -

      Er..well.. :p

  4. ~uh~™ June 22, 2009 at 12:41 pm -

    Thanks for establishing the importance of bai to the world. It should be noted that an entire Indian metropolis is run by the bais and thus aptly named -Mumbai. The citizens are appropriately called Mumbaikar. Sadly some people misinterpret the phrase.
    The curious case of Todger Grabbit proves that money can’t bai everything and a goodbai from fame is just a bai-t away.
    Hope he stays bai-led for long.

    • Rofl Indian June 24, 2009 at 12:07 am -

      You do have suburbs bai the name of Bai-yander and Bai-culla, don’t you?
      Also, the government is bai the people, all computers bai-and-large run on the bai-nary code, modern aeroplanes have fly-bai-wire gizmos fitted in them and we can’t even wriggle out of our homes without the ubiquitous mo-bai-le.

  5. kritika June 22, 2009 at 2:55 pm -

    i dont think he did it tho….
    the multi varied dimensions of the bai in your post were illuminating to say the least….. 🙂

    • Rofl Indian June 24, 2009 at 12:10 am -

      Even he doesn’t think so! 😉

  6. Vidooshak June 22, 2009 at 3:23 pm -

    Won’t repeat the obvious, which is that this post generated much laughter. But I do believe that this incident will, if anything, help his fledgling career in Bollywood. Remember Fardeen ‘Coke’ Khan, Ajay ‘U Betcha” Jadeja, Salman “Slap Happy” Khan, Navjot “Road Rage” Siddhu and Aman “Balll-maah” Verma? Falling in law is a necessary seduction condition to suckseed in Bollywood.

    • Rofl Indian June 24, 2009 at 12:13 am -

      But none was caught licking grape juice!

  7. Shanu June 22, 2009 at 9:09 pm -

    Lol..love the way u play wit words..awesome!!

    • Rofl Indian June 24, 2009 at 12:16 am -

      Thanks for the visit and the compliments 🙂

  8. le embrouille blogueur June 23, 2009 at 12:47 am -

    Flatulence of this degree is good for the health of the reader ….keep up with your eating habits and we shall “bai-er” with your emissions….

    • Rofl Indian June 24, 2009 at 12:17 am -

      Hehe. I shall try to a-bai-de bai your directives 😀

  9. couchpapaya June 23, 2009 at 4:49 am -

    brilliant post – for the hilarity as well as the commentary! i was abt to agree abt the career going kaput until i read vidooshak’s comment and unfortunately the scenario is all too plausible !!

    • Rofl Indian June 24, 2009 at 12:21 am -

      Vidooshak seems to have put his finger on the pulse. But this is a nonbailable offence. I doubt if he’ll be let off any soon.
      Thanks for the visit 🙂

      • Spike June 24, 2009 at 4:26 am -

        you mean a non’bai’lable offence?

        • Rofl Indian June 24, 2009 at 6:35 pm -

          @ spike
          Yeah. A non ‘bai lable’ offence 😉

  10. whatsinaname June 24, 2009 at 12:45 pm -

    This world seems to be happening only due to BHAIs and BAIs!
    Just imagine the chaos if either one is missing 😉
    Grabbit was probably trying to teach the goodness of sym-bai-osis to the maid, bai-hook or bai-crook!
    i hope he gets good punishment so he stays away from any such bai-pass of law

    • Rofl Indian June 24, 2009 at 6:38 pm -

      A world without BAI is unimaginable. I the absence of BHAI, we may do by saying Hindi Cheeni Bai Bai…… 😀

  11. ajcl June 24, 2009 at 7:44 pm -

    very well written..

    my 2 paisa.. read somewhere in the newspaper.. Shiney bai- sexual..

    • Rofl Indian June 25, 2009 at 10:06 am -

      Bai jove! In that case, the judge would have none of his theories when the case comes up for trial…
      Welcome to the blog ajcl 🙂

  12. Ashwathy June 24, 2009 at 11:32 pm -

    Loads of bai-sexual humour, eh? 😀
    LOL love the tone of ur post and the language used!

    ROFL @ “and the alarm which was raised afterwards was the result of failed bai-lateral negotiations. Whichever the case may be, for once, Spongebob has been apprehended without his square pants in place”!! 😀

    • Rofl Indian June 25, 2009 at 10:08 am -

      Loads you say? Just as much is possible by a law a-bai-ding citizen 😀

  13. Jyotishko July 3, 2009 at 1:54 pm -

    nice play of words 😛

    Rofl Indian: Welcome Jyotishko. Good to see you here. 🙂

  14. Reva July 7, 2009 at 9:14 am -

    unfreakin”bai”lievable!!! 🙂

    RI: Bai Jove! 🙂

  15. Mariya October 28, 2009 at 4:08 pm -

    Bai God, this is Bai far the most hilarious take on the whole Shiney deal 😀 Way to GO!

    • Rofl Indian November 2, 2009 at 10:47 am -

      Thanks Maria for the compliment. Welcome to my blog 🙂