“Soo-sseee, next patient please!”
As a nurse, Sister Susie was a fine specimen and seemed to fulfill all physiological requirements of the profession. She was pretty, dedicated pretty dedicated and caressing caring in nature. When I called out to her, Susie was fidgeting with the TV remote absentmindedly. She stood up, adjusted her tunic over her lovely pair of big adjusted her tunic and her lovely pair of big specs, looked for the next entry in the diary and opened the door.
“Meno-ghaaaaar.” (That’s how she pronounced ‘Manohar’)
Manohar Singh stood up from the bench, looking quite nervous. He looked to his left, then to his right, and then entered the room. Upon my gesticulating gesturing, he slowly lowered himself to the patients’ seat, seating himself on the very edge.
“Doxaab, I have many gastrology problems in life. Can you cure me?”
“Ummm….oh! (Can I cure you? Tough question. I ain’t know nothing about astrology). “Please tell me about that gas of yours in detail.”
“Doxaab, it is seve-rear problem from last one year.”
“You mean severe problem?”
“Yes very seve-rear!”
(Severe? Rear? Severe in the rear? Or rarely severe?). “Go ahead.”
“Whenever I eat solid or liquid, it forms gas.”
“Really?” (No big deal. As far as I know, that’s how states of matter are supposed to behave.)
“Doxaab….the gas first rotates in my belly circularly and comes in the chest. From there, it rises up and fills my shoulder and back of neck!”
“If I get burp by this time, I feel better, otherwise gas goes in brain and fills my eyes to cause headache in head. Some gas spreads in my hands and causes swelling of fingers causing great difficulty.”
“Too bad. Did your finger get stuck in any hole recently?”
“No no. I am careful about that.”
“O! Where else does the gas go?”
“That’s what I am telling you Doxaab. Many times gas goes to lower belly and back. Now if I get a fart by this time, I feel better, otherwise the gas goes into my legs and causes swelling of my feet, so my shoes get stuck”
“Yes! Sometimes my whole body gets swollen with gas and I become very uncomfortable. Finally when I am totally swollen, my wife presses my arm here and my leg there and then I get many loud burps and get some relief.”
“Good God! How scary!”
“Yes Doxaab. And because of gas, I cannot sleep with my wife.”
“Whose wife do you sleep with then?”
“No…I mean I sleep with my wife, but I cannot s-l-e-e-p with her.”
“I see.” (What a knot! First he gets swollen at all the useless places. Then he makes measly attempts to sleep with someone with whom he cannot finally sleep with! Quite slippery indeed!)
I had to write a prescription. Manohar wiped his brow. He looked quite exhausted. I wondered whether it was from the gas or the lack of s-l-e-e-p? Susie stood up again, stretched her arms lazily and adjusted her apron over her large pair of and her large pair of specs yet again.
Uff. This lady was so distracting at times….