Ramu’s AAG: Infernal Inferno!

Did Ramu watch Sholay 27 times? If that’s the case, then there should be a law to ban such hideously reckless activity, for it gives rise to a dangerous itch, the horrible results of which are there for us all to see and bear. When RGV announced the pompous remake of Sholay with great enthusiasm, I knew it was going to be one of the last nails in his filmmaking coffin. My fears turned out to be true, and so, even with clear disaster warnings written in bold all over, I took a chance with AAG, braved Ramu’s towering inferno for close to 3 hours and came out aghast with a lot of roasted body parts.

The following crap video is a consequence of the severe mental shocks that I endured. I had originally left it out (considering it to be too mawkish) but now that ~uh~™ and bouncing-bubble are poking me in the ribs, I’m sharing it here for your collective merriment.

MY OTHER SIMPLE OBSERVATIONS AND MISCELLANEOUS CONCLUSIONS….


Urmila: Rocking the boats


An extremely irritated Dhanno coming out of the multiplex

Urmila: Depths…of acting talent!

The cinematographer was earlier working with The Royal Japanese Earthquake Filming Society….his unique style of wildly swaying, swinging, spinning, screwing camera angles gave away this valuable clue. It’s another thing that the poor viewers nearly vomited with vertigo and motion sickness. The assistant cinematographer had probably co-invented the stump vision camera. So all shots were taken from 2 ft. height to enable the viewer to have a clear view of the balls’ movement. .I was enlightened by the fact that after the ‘mole’, the next most useful way of hiding your identity is by wearing a brown moustache. A pair of goggles can compliment the mooch nicely. If used intelligently, the combination of a mole, a moustache and a pair of goggles can hide the differences between a man, a dog, a lion, a police inspector and even an elephant.Ajay Devgan (Heero) cant even steal an ogle properly. Each time he stared at Ghungroo’s ghung…I mean breast pockets, he was caught red handed. He nearly drilled his eyes into Ghungroo’s anatomy. Ogling, like whistling, is an art, and like all other fine arts, needs perfection. Heero is lousy and miserable in the movie with his red hair and should have committed suicide when Ghungroo’s mom didn’t consent for their marriage. Had Veeru known that he would be emulated thus, he too would have given up his claim on Basanti, gulped down a few more mouthfuls of whiskey and jumped off the tank in Sholay.
Prashant (Raj) thankfully dies in the last scene. He didn’t have much to do other that look like a cool dude (what’s a dude?).

Babban reminded me of Waterworld somehow. His makeover was hideous. His hamming was pathetic. His gang had a whole bunch of shrunken old men chiselling away old 12 bore guns which led me to suspect that Jai (from Sholay) probably survived, hoodwinked all, fled to Mumbai, became Babban with the help of Gabbar’s dropouts and kicked as*. Also, Babban as a patient appears pretty difficult to treat and seems to be a physician’s nightmare. Likely to be suffering from tuberculosis, barber’s itch, foot drop, limp, groin eczema, sore eyes, psychosis, mange, lice, scabies, pinworm, impotence, Gilles de la Tourette syndrome, dislocated hip joint, asthma, piles, tics…..where is the doctor?

Babban (Baboon)


The Natural Endowment Policy – If you are a nymphet, naturally endowed, love fig leaves, are thrifty with clothes, can jump, heave and are willing to get wet either at the beach or under the shower, you can become Ramu’s heroine and end up with loads and loads of crappy dialogues. He won’t pay any attention to your horrible, slimy, incoherent, staccato jerks which you may try to pass off as acting. Nisha Kothari was pathetic.

Basanti – (N)oodles of oooomph


Had Basanti and Dhanno seen this, both would have turned up at a lunatic asylum. Sush as Durga Devi gave me the impression of the latest version of ‘Widow’s Vista’. Attractively packaged, but terribly faulted. And literally dying to ‘upgrade’ at the first opportunity! When confronted with Raj’s secret love for her, Durga Devi nearly jumped with glee, chanted har har har har har quietly and went about spinning a day dream.

Durga Devi acting coy.


It was hazardous for Amitabh to experiment with an apple, that too at this age. He should have read about Newton’s laws of motion. It was equally hazardous for him to fiddle with ants, bees, flies and kill hundreds of them without any apparent reason. Flickered his tongue like a snake sometimes. Ugh! But I think it is not really Ramu’s fault and shouldn’t be blamed for the hideous misdirection. He was busy directing 12 other movies at the same time. One hits next week.

Hey, let me show you my tooter


Everyone went completely over the top. It was like a mad rush for the gold medal in hamming. The film is horrid, ghastly and revolting beyond belief. All the guns seemed to have an excess of gunpowder, made a terrible racket when fired, and often missed the target. Background score is jarring, deafening and revolting beyond description. Bizarre and unnecessary references to CIA and Al Qaida appear to inserted to give this movie an international texture. Ramu’s creativity seems to have sunk to the pits really. Is this the same one who made Satya???

Tambi showed promise. If he grows a real moustache, sticks to Ramu loyally and doesn’t eye Ramu’s girls, he may land up with a plump role in the near future.



Rajpal Yadav probably choked on icecream and ruined his voice.



Chekravarty’s career seems to have come to an end with Satya. Though only one glimpse of him was heart warming. And I am still to comprehend how a fingerless Narsimha hurled that hunting knife at Babban’s back. Moreover, he failed to convince as a police inspector, no matter how hard he tried. Ramu should have made him a lawyer or something. Would have suited him better.


There are countless other inconsistencies, to document which I shall need to write two more reviews. Naah, don’t really have the stomach for that.

Burrrrp…….faaarrr*t……

Hazam nahi hua….

This post was first published elsewhere. It can be read in the original context along with the comments here.


 

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7 Comments on this article. Feel free to join this conversation.

  1. ~uh~™ April 22, 2009 at 11:14 am -

    Why leave the ‘supernatural’ video out?
    Good to read it again, well… endowed, with pictures of well endowed, well…pictures….whatever.
    This must be followed with the conversation where I FAQed RGV.
    Good to see old gems 🙂

    Cheers!
    ~uh~

    That was a gem…that FAQed stuff. I can see Ramu squirming in discomfort. He’d never been FAQed like that before! 🙂

  2. bouncing-bubble April 22, 2009 at 9:25 pm -

    Doc-HOW could u leave out the sheer masterpiece video?!I watched it 27 times over, with fmly & friends:))

    Mistake rectified 🙂 Welcome B’Bble

  3. ~uh~™ April 23, 2009 at 10:27 am -

    We want that spooky video.
    We want that spooky video.
    Either upload is directly or upload it on Youtube (preferable) and embed here.

    Cheers!
    ~uh~

    Dunn 🙂

  4. ~uh~™ April 23, 2009 at 10:29 am -

    This ‘bob’ you are replying to is spam. Please add the akismet widget to detect spams.

    Oops! Seems you too have been bobbed 😉

  5. Shekhar August 22, 2009 at 2:56 am -

    Awesome review man!!!
    Lookin forward to the review of Agyaat!!
    Nd BTW, the nymphet is hawt!!! 😉

    RI: Welcome Shekhar. Thanks for the nice comment. Yes, the nymphets are indeed ‘thermogenic’ 🙂