Tag Archives: Movie

Kambakkht Ishq – The Prologue

Posted on by Rofl Indian

Susie had been hovering around me for the past few minutes doing all sorts of unnecessary things. Surely she had something in her mind.  She had dusted the books on the table five times and washed the same tea cups thrice in the last ten minutes. When she looked like approaching the wash basin again, I could take it no longer.

“Yes Soosie? Is there something that you wished to ask me?”

“N…no saar…”

“Any doubt….come out!” I quipped, trying hard to avert my gaze as Susie stood on her toes and stretched herself in the most seductive manner to replace the cups on the topmost shelf of the cupboard. It was 2.30 in the afternoon and we were nearly through with the day’s OPD.

“Saar…I mean…can I yask something?”

“Hmm…hmm. Yes. Go ahead….”

“Saar, are you going to see a fillum today?”

“Who told you so?” I sat up bolt upright.  

“No saar. I overheard you and Phadnis saar…..” Susie flashed her 32. (Thirty two teeth, I mean. Moreover, that isn’t 32, that’s probably 34 or 36. Whatever.)

“Uh…yes, Faddu and I are going to see Kambakkht Ishq today. So?” I deliberately hid the fact from her that we had roped in Dimpy Minochha as well, and that the tickets had already been booked on phone. Faddu and I had planned to make the most of the afternoon by having Dimpy Minochha sit between the two of us in the cinema hall. We were banking on the assumption that Dimpy would fall asleep sometime in the second half and eventually roll over to one side, resting her head on one of the two gallant shoulders. I knew Faddu badly wanted to win, though I too was not exactly averse to the idea of shouldering Miss Dimpy’s little siesta.

“Saar…” My reverie was broken as Susie dropped all pretense and came straight to the point, “can I also go saar? I promise I will sit quietly next to Dimple docsaab. “

WHAT? She knew about Dimpy too?! I suddenly felt like a fly which had fallen into a bowl of sweet corn soup. Plenty of sweet and cow1corn, but still a soup nevertheless. I brushed aside an unpleasant image of Dimpy’s head resting on Susie’s shoulders and Faddu’s oily head dumped on mine. Susie was eyeing me expectantly with the gaze of a benevolent cow (there, in the pic) that had just been shown a sackful of delicious fodder. There was no choice but to relent.

“Hrrrmph!” I grunted, and reached for the phone. ”Let me see if we still have any tickets left!”

Nothing much happened between then and 3.30 pm when the four of us reached Fun Cinema for the afternoon screening of Kambakkht Ishq. Faddu had grumbled quite a lot on hearing about Susie’s inclusion in the party. Dimpy seemed exceedingly pleased. I struck her name off the samosa list for her misdemeanour.

And Susie exclaimed once, “Saar…I am watching the maternity show after a really long time…” Poor confused girl. Didn’t know the difference between matinee and maternity.

To be continued.

Race: The Philosophy of “Punch” Tatva

Posted on by Rofl Indian

According to the Upanishads, the human body is created from the five core elements of nature. They are Kshiti, Jal, Paawak, Gagan and Sameera Reddy. The fifth element is absolutely indispensable. Looks like Abbas Mastan too looked upon this timeless philosophy of the Punch–Tatva to ensure that the movie doesn’t attain nirvana as quickly as it happened with their earlier rope tricks that went flaccid. The product turns out to be a hastily made emulsion of testosterone and Eau de Cologne, blended with equal measures of frothy whipped cream. The cream smells a little of crap, but the perfume takes good care of that. In the end you get a potion that is perhaps your money’s worth, considering the ample drool factor you get for free!

The Plot

Of course there is a shallow one. Two brothers, raising race horses in South Africa, both in varying shades of grey, scheming and plotting against each other, and each labouring to cover his trail from the prying eyes of the other, or so it seems. Each bro has a personal bimbo in the beginning, who become complexly interchanged during the course of the movie. Each bro seems to have a novel plan up his sleeve. The elder bro is terminated before intermission by the younger one who eyes the insurance money. After many twist, turns and quadruple double crossings, the truth comes out, extracted cleverly by an investigating officer, who, with his own personal bombshell, seems to have a different agenda than what meets the eye. By the end, the unpredictability of the protagonists become so predictable, you lose all hope and submit yourselves to the whims of the director duo!

The Punch Tatvas (without which RACE would have been lost right as the outset)

Kshiti (Terra) – Saif Ali Khan aka Ranvir Singh. Boy …has he been putting on those obscene mountains of brawn! His business as shown in the movie, apart from not shaving, is to look glum and morose, raise racing studs, drive fast cars, bet and lose, bet and win, blow up his rivals by remote control, take off his shirt, use the barns to ‘make himself mixture’ with his ex passion in full view of the horses, look some more glum and morose, sign documents without caring to look, play double crossing games with his bro, his bimbo, his bro’s bimbo and his rivals, and act like a hugely caring bade bhaiya all the time. Once bitten and scratched all over by Bips (during the make happy scene), he is twice shy, and does not take off his pants again. Some of the get ups are shocking though – ganjee (vest), jeans, double tinted squarish glasses and a stubble – reminds one of Mazahar Khan of Shaan. Overall, manages to deliver an average performance.



Jal (Aqua) – Anil Kapoor. As an investigating officer (Robert D’Costa), he adds soda to the rumble. Portrays an unmarried, sexually frustrated detective with a huge appetite for anything that looks round and juicy. Tries to woo his secretary, but her poor imagination stymies his horny efforts. Devours strawberries, apples, oranges, grapes and pomegranates by the dozen, and suggestively leaves the bananas for the subordinate bimbo, who fails to see the natural association. Delivers thoughtful double entendres involving the benign act of sucking (sugarcanes). His performance is fluid, as his character appears to take the shape of the available vessels at any given situation. Though the moustache (French cut + Chinese barber + Thambe’s style), tinted hair and diamond earstuds don’t quite match the role he plays, but who cares really.



Paawak (The Flame) – You guessed it right. None other than Bipasha Boso(m) aka Sonia. Figuratively speaking, leaves nothing to imagination. Acts like a fashion model. Gets real sticky with both the studs in turn. Marries one, gets into the haystack with the other, switches loyalty frequently, and yet somehow manages to establish herself as the only virtuous damsel. Gets most of the footage. Exudes enough oomph to charge all your ‘Excite/Amoron’ batteries. Dresses skimpily on a few occasions where she is required to dress. Blue knickers with a red top! Which football club has a flag like that? Can’t dance. Lip syncs are awful. Always reminds one of that horrible ‘Mehbooba mehbooba’ number!

Gagan (The Sky) – Akshay Khanna aka Rajeev Singh. His role had a huge potential. Plays an incorrigible unrepentant rascal. Loves heights. The Stallone like crumple of his lips is unmistakable. Boozes, takes off his shirt, inflates his chest to match that of Saif’s, walks around with a gorilla like gait, goes to bed with his bro’s bimbo, boozes again, double crosses nearly everyone whom he comes across, schemes ruthlessly against his elder bro and hopes to pull off a 100 million dollar heist. Good performance.

Sameera Reddy (The Steam) –Blissful performance from the gorgeous seductress. Seems to have put on weight. Had no difficulty in portraying a dumb and sexy assistant called ‘Mini’. Very healthy and natural acting! Behaves decently and allows only limited kissing on her cheeks. Considers her boss as God. Anil Kapoor once touches her heart softly from the outside, but she disallows any further divine intervention.

Barf (Ice) – The Sixth Element – Katerina Kaif aka Sophia. Frosty performance. Tries to look glamorous. Adds the necessary chill to the plot. One of her main accomplishments – getting into bed with the younger bro in the …er…nude. Looks both happy and sad. Believes that smiling and acting are synonymous. Wears the maximum clothes of the three, yet manages to show enough skin. Can’t dance. Looked like a trembling coconut tree which has lost all its leaves.

What I noticed which everyone overlooked

The X Ray was that of a pneumonia patient.
You can buy Disprin even in Durban.
The fatso sidekick looked like an Indian team manager.
Katerina Kaif developed a huge pimple on her left cheek midway in the movie.
The horses found the Saif – Bipasha love scene repulsive and didn’t approve of it
Dance steps of ‘Asereje’ were copied.
The fashion designer was fake. His name was Armano!
Dilip Tahil’s beard was not centered correctly
Johnny Lever’s days are over.
Akshay Khanna never took off his pants
The yellow car in the end was a Lexus

The Chequered Flags
Superb locales. Splendid cinematography, Slick editing. Good music.

The Flat Tyres
Unconvincing plot, absurd characters, dumb stunts (apart from the car chases), flat screenplay, forced dance sequences.

Verdict – Overall the movie is worth seeing once mainly because of two reasons. You get a fair idea of a foreign nation (South Africa) and learn about all those practical tips which will help you to succeed in business while dealing with South Africans. Secondly, you may never again see Dilip Tahil and Johnny Lever in the same movie.

Whatever.

I enjoyed the samosa and coke (I said C-O-K-E) served on my seat.

This post was first published elsewhere. It can be read in the original context along with the comments here.

Ramu’s AAG: Infernal Inferno!

Posted on by Rofl Indian

Did Ramu watch Sholay 27 times? If that’s the case, then there should be a law to ban such hideously reckless activity, for it gives rise to a dangerous itch, the horrible results of which are there for us all to see and bear. When RGV announced the pompous remake of Sholay with great enthusiasm, I knew it was going to be one of the last nails in his filmmaking coffin. My fears turned out to be true, and so, even with clear disaster warnings written in bold all over, I took a chance with AAG, braved Ramu’s towering inferno for close to 3 hours and came out aghast with a lot of roasted body parts.

The following crap video is a consequence of the severe mental shocks that I endured. I had originally left it out (considering it to be too mawkish) but now that ~uh~™ and bouncing-bubble are poking me in the ribs, I’m sharing it here for your collective merriment.

MY OTHER SIMPLE OBSERVATIONS AND MISCELLANEOUS CONCLUSIONS….


Urmila: Rocking the boats


An extremely irritated Dhanno coming out of the multiplex

Urmila: Depths…of acting talent!

The cinematographer was earlier working with The Royal Japanese Earthquake Filming Society….his unique style of wildly swaying, swinging, spinning, screwing camera angles gave away this valuable clue. It’s another thing that the poor viewers nearly vomited with vertigo and motion sickness. The assistant cinematographer had probably co-invented the stump vision camera. So all shots were taken from 2 ft. height to enable the viewer to have a clear view of the balls’ movement. .I was enlightened by the fact that after the ‘mole’, the next most useful way of hiding your identity is by wearing a brown moustache. A pair of goggles can compliment the mooch nicely. If used intelligently, the combination of a mole, a moustache and a pair of goggles can hide the differences between a man, a dog, a lion, a police inspector and even an elephant.Ajay Devgan (Heero) cant even steal an ogle properly. Each time he stared at Ghungroo’s ghung…I mean breast pockets, he was caught red handed. He nearly drilled his eyes into Ghungroo’s anatomy. Ogling, like whistling, is an art, and like all other fine arts, needs perfection. Heero is lousy and miserable in the movie with his red hair and should have committed suicide when Ghungroo’s mom didn’t consent for their marriage. Had Veeru known that he would be emulated thus, he too would have given up his claim on Basanti, gulped down a few more mouthfuls of whiskey and jumped off the tank in Sholay.

Prashant (Raj) thankfully dies in the last scene. He didn’t have much to do other that look like a cool dude (what’s a dude?).

Babban reminded me of Waterworld somehow. His makeover was hideous. His hamming was pathetic. His gang had a whole bunch of shrunken old men chiselling away old 12 bore guns which led me to suspect that Jai (from Sholay) probably survived, hoodwinked all, fled to Mumbai, became Babban with the help of Gabbar’s dropouts and kicked as*. Also, Babban as a patient appears pretty difficult to treat and seems to be a physician’s nightmare. Likely to be suffering from tuberculosis, barber’s itch, foot drop, limp, groin eczema, sore eyes, psychosis, mange, lice, scabies, pinworm, impotence, Gilles de la Tourette syndrome, dislocated hip joint, asthma, piles, tics…..where is the doctor?

Babban (Baboon)


The Natural Endowment Policy – If you are a nymphet, naturally endowed, love fig leaves, are thrifty with clothes, can jump, heave and are willing to get wet either at the beach or under the shower, you can become Ramu’s heroine and end up with loads and loads of crappy dialogues. He won’t pay any attention to your horrible, slimy, incoherent, staccato jerks which you may try to pass off as acting. Nisha Kothari was pathetic.

Basanti – (N)oodles of oooomph


Had Basanti and Dhanno seen this, both would have turned up at a lunatic asylum. Sush as Durga Devi gave me the impression of the latest version of ‘Widow’s Vista’. Attractively packaged, but terribly faulted. And literally dying to ‘upgrade’ at the first opportunity! When confronted with Raj’s secret love for her, Durga Devi nearly jumped with glee, chanted har har har har har quietly and went about spinning a day dream.

Durga Devi acting coy.


It was hazardous for Amitabh to experiment with an apple, that too at this age. He should have read about Newton’s laws of motion. It was equally hazardous for him to fiddle with ants, bees, flies and kill hundreds of them without any apparent reason. Flickered his tongue like a snake sometimes. Ugh! But I think it is not really Ramu’s fault and shouldn’t be blamed for the hideous misdirection. He was busy directing 12 other movies at the same time. One hits next week.

Hey, let me show you my tooter



Everyone went completely over the top. It was like a mad rush for the gold medal in hamming. The film is horrid, ghastly and revolting beyond belief. All the guns seemed to have an excess of gunpowder, made a terrible racket when fired, and often missed the target. Background score is jarring, deafening and revolting beyond description. Bizarre and unnecessary references to CIA and Al Qaida appear to inserted to give this movie an international texture. Ramu’s creativity seems to have sunk to the pits really. Is this the same one who made Satya???

Tambi showed promise. If he grows a real moustache, sticks to Ramu loyally and doesn’t eye Ramu’s girls, he may land up with a plump role in the near future.



Rajpal Yadav probably choked on icecream and ruined his voice.



Chekravarty’s career seems to have come to an end with Satya. Though only one glimpse of him was heart warming. And I am still to comprehend how a fingerless Narsimha hurled that hunting knife at Babban’s back. Moreover, he failed to convince as a police inspector, no matter how hard he tried. Ramu should have made him a lawyer or something. Would have suited him better.


There are countless other inconsistencies, to document which I shall need to write two more reviews. Naah, don’t really have the stomach for that.

Burrrrp…….faaarrr*t……

Hazam nahi hua….

This post was first published elsewhere. It can be read in the original context along with the comments here.